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-   -   Secondary Jealousy ... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26256)

Passionate1 08-07-2012 07:32 PM

Secondary Jealousy ...
 
I have been married to my husband for 17 years now. We began this journey together as swingers and this is how I realized that I am poly. He is still very much a swinger. I am not. I have met and fallen very much in love with another man who could very easily be mono but has no issues sharing me with my husband. It has been a very rocky start because we are working out so many new facets but I believe one very worth the trials we are going through. My problem right now is that even tho I have pulled away from "swinging with men" because I am quite content and happy to be with the two I have I am interested in continuing to see women occasionally. More specifically with my husband. This frustrates my boyfriend because he feels excluded. While I could see eventually in the future sharing a woman with him, for now I am not quite ready for that. We are still in the honeymoon phase and frankly the thought of sharing him right now does NOT make me happy. As a disclaimer I am not entirely a huge fan of sharing my husband either so this isn't a new personality shift for me. (please save the hypocrite remarks... I am well aware of how this looks and is something I am truly striving to work on myself.)

My question is that my bf has asked that i not have 3somes with my husband at least until he is able to be included with his own (he feels it very unbalanced). This upsets my husband because he believes my bf is now dictating our sex life... ugh... help. They both raise a valid point. and I am truly caught in the middle.

GalaGirl 08-07-2012 07:47 PM

Both men are missing the point -- They can air out all the wants they want to air out so you take them into consideration. But wants are not NEEDS and you have to air out YOUR OWN wants, needs, and limits. What might that be? Here's what I'm hearing or at least think I am hearing. And to me the solution is right there, but you aren't excited about having to DO IT.

BF WANTS:
  • I do not want you to have 3somes with your husband.

BF SOFT LIMIT

  • Until I can have 3somes with you too. Cuz I feel jealous/excluded.

DH WANTS:
  • I do not want bf to dictate what we do in our sex life.
  • I want to have threesomes with you and other women.

YOU WANT:
  • To have sex with husband and another woman.
  • To not be put in the middle because BF is dictating your sex life with DH
  • To not be put in the middle because DH is not willing to help you assuage BF since he's new. Wouldn't DH appreciate YOU being welcoming to one of HIS spice people?

YOUR SOFT LIMIT:
  • OK sharing 3somes with BF, but later down after this honeymoon period. (How long is honeymoon?)

SOLUTION:

  • YOU have to tell BF to step off and not put you in the middle.
  • YOU have to tell DH it would be nicer if he were more willing to discuss the addition of the new person to the polymath in a more graceful way. Seriously -- he won't DIE without swinging threesomes for a few weeks!
  • You have to clarify your soft limit position to BF so he sees where you are coming from.
  • You have to clarify your soft limit position to DH so he sees where you are coming from.
  • You have to tell both men to NOT treat you like a sex dispenser. You are a PERSON, not a THING.

FOR HUSBAND
  • 1) DH -- to help me out here, would you be willing to a temporary hold on threesomes? Because I'm your wife and you love me? I need feedback/negotiation talk there.
  • 2) DH -- I am not a sex dispenser. I am bothered that you get mad about BF wanting to restrict your sexing first and how I feel right now trapped in the middle second. Wassup with that? That is a limit. I am a person, not a thing.


FOR BF
  • 1) BF - You cannot dictate how I have sex with my own husband. (Is this in your framework for how to be together?) We use protection and stick to safe sex rules. Do not ever stick me in the middle like that -- that is a limit. And that is not kind. You would not like DH telling us how to have sex now would you?
  • 2) BF - You and I can talk about threesomes later down the road. I am open to this. I am not say NEVER. I am saying "not yet since we are in this honeymoon phase and I'd like to enjoy us together as a couple for while first." I love you. Is that so horrible? To want to enjoy you in your wonderfulness?
  • 3) BF - How long is reasonable soft limit before we revisit this topic? 6 mos? 3 mos? I am willing to work with you. But please do not treat me like a thing -- I am not a candy bar everyone can have a bite from just whenever they feel like it. I am a person, and I have to give consent. That is a limit.
  • 4) BF - If you feel upset, jealous or excluded, how can I best support/nurture you through that? What is the upset speaking to? The jealous is speaking to? The Excluded is speaking to?

HTH!
GG

Passionate1 08-09-2012 08:42 PM

Uhmm.... seriously WOW! and Thankyou soooo much!! I can happily say that to a certain degree I did just about all you outlined soooo beautifully! And I can also say that it has been resolved to a much more satisfactory manner and I believe we are ALL happy with the solution and will revisit it later down the line. There is another happy outcome from all of this as well... it seems that my husband and my BF have been able to have some very deep meaningful discussions and their bond has improved through this.

GalaGirl 08-09-2012 09:28 PM

Yay! Glad to hear laying it out logically and speaking up for your wants, needs, and limits in your trio thing there has moved it forward.

Glad to hear the metas (Dh and BF) are owning their own bags and developing their relationship too.

WTG! I love happier mediums being found.

GG :)


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