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-   -   Poly married to swinger dating mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26212)

crushed 08-05-2012 04:34 PM

Poly married to swinger dating mono
Im wondering if anyone has come across this situation. My husband, for all definion purposes, is a swinger (or wanna be), I consider myself poly, and my bf identifies as mono. My husband struggles sometimes that I love my boyfriend. He is open to our relationship, and had a relationship himself for about 1.5 years, but he never fell in love With her. He's admitted he gets lonely when I spend time with my boyfriend, but doesn't have fear that I will leave him. He's said he's not looking for a relationship with another woman, however he'd love to have someone to chat and have sex with. My bf did cheat on me about a year ago, but has since determined he isn't interested in dating other women, or having sex with other women. This is hard for my husband who seems to think that makes me and the bf more of a couple, which I disagree with, however I can totally understand how he feels that way. My husband at times indicates a desire to meet women, and I have no idea how to help him with that. It's not really something I see many women open to. I'm also trying to help my husband learn to accept that my bf is ok with this vee and is looking for nothing more, and is not looking to end my marriage. Any advice would be great.

WhatHappened 08-05-2012 05:26 PM

I'm not sure I have advice per se, but my BF really has been much more of a swinger, while his wife was more into relationships, and it seems to have been working for them for many years. I guess it's whatever people are comfortable with, and probably the reassurance each of them has that the other is not going anywhere.

Passionate1 08-06-2012 05:46 PM

Oh boy... i think that you just wrote about my life. My husband is very much a swinger and still struggles with the idea i can actually be in love with more than one person at a time. My boyfriend would happily be monogamous and simply share me with my husband (not at same time) for the rest of our lives. However, I am still in the "swinging" community to maintain that lifestyle with my husband and that hurts my mono bf.... and its a terrible circle. So, I empathize greatly with you in your situation.

GalaGirl 08-07-2012 07:33 PM

Have you all talked in trio already? All 3 in the room and BF state to husband that he's not looking to break you up?

Past that, most of the stuff is on your DH. That he thinks you are BF are more of a couple -- yes. You are a couple. And? It is one dyad in the larger polymath of this polyship. So?

It is not on you to solve his lonely when you go out with BF. You can say "I am sorry you are lonely" but the answer is you NOT going out. Because you have to do your own time management and share with DH and BF fairly.

You are responsible for providing support and nurture and a listening ear. Not do work FOR him in relationships. Everyone carries their own baggage.

DH has to find ways to keep himself busy so he is not lonely. If he wants to meet women -- go! Look at online profiles, join an interest group for his hobbies so he meets people with same interests -- mingle out there!

He is responsible for his own stuff. Is he wanting you to be his wingman or something?


LovingRadiance 08-08-2012 12:20 AM

My bf is mono and hasn't had anyone but me in 15 years. Dh hasn't said, but based on the encounters he's had over the years I would say he's more a swinger than poly and I am definitely not a swinger but am very much poly. It can be difficult. It forces each person to really own their own shit and deal with their own shit.

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