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-   -   Because you're poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26202)

Josie 08-05-2012 12:20 AM

Because you're poly
 
I guess this is more of an angsty/disgusted announcement than anything else really:

I was on a night out tonight and was explaining my relationship and what it entailed to friend at the pub. One of our friends next to us overheard and was very impressed by the idea of a woman who was okay with their boyfriend having sex/relationships with others. He was a little over the top about it but I didn't really mind.
Cut to the end of the night.
I go to hug him - he's moving away tomorrow, so I made sure to give him a hug and wish him a good journey. During the hug he declares that I have to kiss him goodbye. I good-naturedly try to turn his head to give him a peck on the cheek. This is when it gets awkward. I was grabbed in death-grip type hold and informed that I'm:
'In a poly relationship and so you HAVE to kiss me'.

I had to spend a good time wrestling away.
Now I'm used to people being a bit handsy and not taking no for an answer but I thought this was just plain rude and incredibly presumptous.

Does this happen a lot if you're in a poly relationship and open about it? Are there good ways to broach the subject with people that will hopefully prevent this kind of reaction? I don't want people to think that they can force me into something because I'm poly and therefore *must* want it.

PS - sorry if this isn't in the right section, I didn't know where to put it.

crushed 08-05-2012 12:41 AM

I have no advice unfortunately. It seems that women tend to react in astonishment that I am OK with sharing my husband with another woman, and he in sharing me. I get a lot of "I could NEVER do that"... and my reply is "OK"... with men I typically get the pervert stare, and wanting to discuss my sex life. I guess, I have boundary issues myself, but this seems to cross a line for me.

GalaGirl 08-05-2012 02:09 AM

Quote:

This is when it gets awkward. I was grabbed in death-grip type hold and informed that I'm:
'In a poly relationship and so you HAVE to kiss me'.
That's where I would go -- knee to the groin. :mad:

Some men seem to think they are ENTITLED to a woman's body. And that knowing she is polyamorous = she's some candy bar just anyone can have a bite from any time they want.

It's polyamory, not polyfuckery.

Thppppt.

You have my sympathies. Been there before, and brought person to account swift and fierce.

That's crap is just fresh. And that's why that button exists -- "bi, poly and I STILL won't sleep with you!"

GG

lovefromgirl 08-05-2012 03:14 AM

That has never happened to me, and if it ever does, whoever tries it will find himself at the wrong end of a kick to the junk. I hope I am wearing sharp shoes on that day.

I suppose not associating with this... "person"... is not an option?

JaneQSmythe 08-05-2012 04:21 AM

This hasn't happened to me specifically because I am poly - because not too many people know that. I have has somewhat similar experiences, however, when people know that I am bisexual. Just because I can be attracted to both men and women doesn't mean that I am attracted to YOU - Jeesh! (This harkens to straight guy fears that all gay men want them - really? Are all the straight girls falling at your feet as well? You seriously think that you are "all that"?)

Apparently poly and/or bi means "sex fiend" to many men. Hubs suggests stomping on their instep before kneeing them in the groin - YMMV.

JaneQ

castle33 08-05-2012 07:33 AM

my problem is that once someone knows i'm poly they just start thinking of me as a swinger. no dissin' the swig dancers out there but it's not my cup of booze. i'm too lazy to be a swinger. so when they think of it they only want to hear about the sex part. i don't even care about sex that much. yes i like it but i want my good company over anything else. i want my husband to have a friend in my mate and i should find a friend in his.

and then.. men are just jerks sometimes after a night of beer and bars. he sounds like a friend that needs to move away... far far away.

Josie 08-05-2012 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by castle33 (Post 146575)

and then.. men are just jerks sometimes after a night of beer and bars. he sounds like a friend that needs to move away... far far away.

Funny you should mention that actually, as he is moving quite far away, unforunately, in a month I'm moving closer to him and he wants to come visit -ugh.
Although if he did visit and try anything like that again, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would comply with the above suggestions and smack him one.
....I'm not really one for violence but even I pretty much strangled the guy in order to get him off me.

Although, as you said, sometimes people are just jerks when they've been drinking and are uneducated on a topic, so I've sent him a cautionary message explaining poly and warning him not to try that again if he ever comes across another poly individual and plans to walk away unscathed.

BoringGuy 08-05-2012 01:44 PM

I'm sorry to interrupt like this; a friend recommended this forum to me a couple of months ago. I've been reading the threads but have not felt moved to register until now. That's why this is my first post here in this thread.

It sounds like you were sexually assaulted by this "friend".

Quote:

Funny you should mention that actually, as he is moving quite far away, unforunately, in a month I'm moving closer to him and he wants to come visit -ugh.
Although if he did visit and try anything like that again, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would comply with the above suggestions and smack him one.
....I'm not really one for violence but even I pretty much strangled the guy in order to get him off me.
"IF" he visits? :eek: Did I read this right? It should be "IF I decide not to press charges" which it sounds like you're not thinking about doing anyway. I'm the first to admit it probably wouldn't accomplish much to get the police and courts involved at this point; but it makes me dizzy to think that you even would remotely consider having this person remain amongst those you consider "friends" of yourself.

Tonberry 08-05-2012 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 146545)
It's polyamory, not polyfuckery.

It goes beyond that, I think. I mean, yes, it gets annoying when people assume that poly = sex with random people rather than poly = able to date when already dating.

But even if you were having casual sex all over the place, you never HAVE to kiss/have sex with a guy. That mentality of "others get it so it's owed to me" is pretty terrible. What about respecting people's consent? It's very dismissive and not limited to being mistaken about what poly is.

I mean, even someone who has sex all the time, with all kinds of people, without actually being attracted to them (I'm thinking a prostitute, for instance) still has the right to refuse customers, no question asked.

Because everyone has the right to decide what happens with their own body.

This specific thing has never happened to me, but upon learning I'm poly, many male friends have just assumed we'd have sex at some point. It wasn't "ok, so you have to have sex with me" but more "cool, so when are WE having sex, then?" but it was extremely annoying anyways.

What gets me is that learning I'm single doesn't cause anyone to assume they're going to get sex with me. Learning I'm taken and available at the same time, however, does. I'm just the same as a single person, in terms of what I want to do. I just happen to also have someone already. Why is it so hard to get?

BoringGuy 08-05-2012 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 146598)
This specific thing has never happened to me, but upon learning I'm poly, many male friends have just assumed we'd have sex at some point. It wasn't "ok, so you have to have sex with me" but more "cool, so when are WE having sex, then?" but it was extremely annoying anyways.

With friends like these, rapists are going to start losing customers.


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