Seeking Advice for the 'Secondary' New Polyfidelitous Triad
Hi there. I am excited and relieved to find this site!!! I've been reading books and websites trying to learn some guild lines for my not-as-unique-as-I-thought triad. I am a bi woman, they are a hetero couple. This is the first and only polyamorous relationship for us all.
The basics are that a year ago I met a beautiful married couple and we hit it off immediately and intensely. A few months into 'play time', we were all in love with each other, much to our surprise (at least mine, as I was avoiding the 'L' word for many years). We are all intimate with each other nearly every time, though I've spend intimate time with just our man on a few occasions.
About nine months ago, I was laid off. Six months ago, my teenage son and I moved in with my couple and their 2 teenage daughters. This is currently a 'temporary' situation as I become licensed in another industry and begin a new career. We are only 'out' to my friends and some family. Our children do not know that we are in love (at least we don't think so :o)
Now that we've been living together for quite some time, I find myself in an emotional pickle. While I love being with my couple every day, it is becoming increasingly difficult to be satisfied with quick kisses around the corner and every other weekend some intimacy when the kids are gone. While it makes me happy to know they are intimate and I love seeing them kiss and fondle each other, :D, I feel left out. I want to bring up the subject of 'outing' us and living as a family in truth. However, I'm not sure my girl is on the same page and I'm honestly afraid that if I push too hard, I'll end up with less than a 'secondary' position:(.
We haven't really discussed the practicalities of our triad. I've asked them each to research some of the Poly websites so that we can have a conversation, however, they have not yet. I'm afraid that my girl, while she loves me, is uncomfortable and may be jealous of my intimate contact with her husband and that our he is purposely ignoring my request because he likes it the way he sees it is right now.
While I encourage and enjoy when the two of them spend time together and he also encourages me to spend time with her alone (she & I are not intimate alone together), I feel like I'm 'off limits' to him unless we are all together. While I respect this and it was easier in the beginning, I am a very sexual woman and I feel a bit selfish but my own needs are not being met.
I know this is long, however, I'm a bit desperate for sound advice from those who have experience and are willing to share some wisdom.
Welcome to our forum.
From your description of the situation, it doesn't sound like there's enough communication (and not good enough quality of communication) going on. You should be able to express your needs, and feeling of being left out, and you need to know that they are hearing you and listening to you. I think you will probably have to out yourself to the kids soon. Even pre-teens are sharper than we adults usually realize, and your teens are likely aware that *something* is going on.
You can't force your companions to do these things for you, you can only ask. At some point you may have to ask the really tough question: Are you being treated fairly? and if not, what will you do? You can't choose other people's actions, you can only choose your own actions. But make sure you do communicate a lot. If they won't communicate, at least set the example for them.
I suspect they are a little caught up in their own enjoyment of the arrangement, and aren't aware of (or thinking about) your struggles with it. The types of struggles you're describing usually worsen over time, unless all three of you get on the same page and work as a team to help all three persons get what they want.
Are you allowed to date, in addition to being with this couple? It's one potential way of taking care of yourself, if you're allowed. Even if you're a secondary, you have rights. Don't let yourself be put in a position where your needs are always "second place." You deserve better.
Can you tell me more about your situation? Any little detail may help.
I hope some things get better for you soon.
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