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-   -   What to do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26174)

margo 08-03-2012 07:59 AM

What to do
 


Hello all

My "life partner" and I love women.. Going places, doing things, talking kissing and all that fun stuff. So far we have done this with other women together.

New situations arrise and we get stuck.

Recently he met a woman and she is not bi. They did go out on a few dates and he seems like her and she likes him. She does know about me and is still new to this. I have not met her or spoke to her.

I want my partner to be free to do what he wants. It does not seem like she is interested in dating me. So he did mention that if I wanted I can go out on a date on my own. So I happened to get asked for my number from a male which is different. I up until recently only seen myself with my partner and no other male. But he is nice and cute and I could see some sparks .....maybe.

He seen some fliry text messages going on and he got anxiety and upset. He said he doesn't mind if I date other woman just not men at all. So where do we go. I let him date other woman and I just don't know what to do or say in this siutation where I can not date the opposite sex.

What do we do.

Thanks

Margo :o:o:o:o

GalaGirl 08-03-2012 02:02 PM

Quote:

He seen some fliry text messages going on and he got anxiety and upset. He said he doesn't mind if I date other woman just not men at all. So where do we go. I let him date other woman and I just don't know what to do or say in this siutation where I can not date the opposite sex.

You sit down (before any of these dates) and talk it out. Other woman can wait -- nothing is serious there. What is good for the good, is good for the gander.

What are YOUR wants, needs, limits? You sound like you want to date. You are not happy with his proposed limit based on gender/orientation lines. What do you NEED this to be?


What are his wants, needs, limits?

What is his fear speaking to? Is he worried about being replaced? What (for him) makes it ok with women and not with men? Aren't they all people? The same? What makes a bi woman you can both date ok, and a strayt woman only HE can see ok, but a strayt man for you NOT ok?

Is he worried about the stranger person hurting you somehow?

If it were flipped would he be happy? That YOU can see XY but he cannot see XX?

Sort yourselves out calmly.

GG

margo 08-04-2012 06:40 AM

Thank you so much for the reply. Those are great questions to ask? Puts new thoughts into play. It always helps when you get unedited words from other people. You rok.

GalaGirl 08-04-2012 03:06 PM

Glad it helps. I hope you can talk it out and arrive at some kind of framework or guidelines.

I can see hard limit things like "PLEASE! Do not date my mother/father! My nephew! My boss!" Those are very reasonable to have!

But don't date ____ that I want to date just because my DH got a wigginz? Work the wigginz out with me and explain to me why this is so. I am willing to hear.

If it is baggage I need to help you unpack and sort out, I can offer my support and nurture and suggestions. But this is your baggage, so you have to decide what to keep and what to toss out because it no longer serves you well. If you ask my advice I can tell you the blue shirt is NOT flattering on you. Chuck it. But the black jeans are hawt. Keep those.

Not just go "Ahhhh! It's poking me in my baggage! Just don't do it so I don't have to look in there and sort my baggage out! Or here... YOU hold all my baggage that I want to avoid/ignore! Then I don't have to sort OR hold it!"

That makes no sense. I have my own baggage problems to work through. If DH doesn't even want to hold some of his baggage, why do *I* have to carry it? Throw it away, goofy!

I love ya, but dang. Everyone holds their own bag!

GG

margo 08-08-2012 10:17 AM

Hey girl

I totally agree with you.

Humans are so complex and interesting........

On order to do complex things like have multiple partners. You have to be content with yourself.

Dagferi 08-11-2012 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by margo (Post 146371)

He seen some fliry text messages going on and he got anxiety and upset. He said he doesn't mind if I date other woman just not men at all. So where do we go. I let him date other woman and I just don't know what to do or say in this siutation where I can not date the opposite sex.

My answer to him would be fine then you can't see this other woman but you can date other men..... I am sure he will answer with but I am straight.. As you I would answer but yes dear and I am bi and I like both men and women. Why should he get what he wants but you should only get what he wants you to have?

margo 08-12-2012 03:12 AM

Wow what would I do without all these great thoughts from you all. It always helps to get a different point of view.

Hope you had a good day.

Thanks

nycindie 08-12-2012 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by margo (Post 146371)
So he did mention that if I wanted I can go out on a date on my own.

Oh, how "big" of him to "let" you. I mean, it's not like you're an adult with your own choices to make, or anything, is it? :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by margo (Post 146371)
He seen some fliry text messages going on and he got anxiety and upset. He said he doesn't mind if I date other woman just not men at all. So where do we go. I let him date other woman and I just don't know what to do or say in this siutation where I can not date the opposite sex.

Tell him you understand his fears and insecurities, but that you are your own person and will date whomever you feel attracted to and hit it off with. You own your own heart and body, and he cannot dictate which gender you want to share those with. But you can promise to go slowly and help him to deal with his insecurities.


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