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-   -   So it Begins (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26173)

lionessjlf 08-03-2012 06:00 AM

So it Begins
 
My husband has recently come around to being poly. After much discussion and pure honesty I must say it went pretty smooth. He still has some issues/boundaries to sort out, but so far so good. I am delightfully basking in the glow of how well our relationship has grown thus far and am looking forward to more.
He is going on a first date with someone tomorrow night and seems to be excited about it. I am even more excited than him. I am hoping this will be a positive experience for the both of them. I have been in contact with her via email and we have some common interests which will make it nice to form a friendship with her. We were originally going to all meet but decided to let them see if they click before the two of us meet.
I decided to write this for all the 'newbies' who have recently opened up thier relationships.
He is still concerned about me, (awww) I guess because this concept is so new and foreign to him. I have to constantly reassure him and encourage him. I am very proud of him, his honesty, his openess, his being able to share how he feels. It's a huge step for him as he has been programmed mono his entire life. So with fingers crossed, it begins.
There is nothing more sexy than someone who strives to know themselves and love what they know!
I will update after the date

lionessjlf 08-05-2012 03:10 AM

They had a great time on thier date. I however saw red flags all over the place. My husband totally disregarded the only boundary I gave him. I asked him not to get drunk. He did. We had a discussion about it and he immediately got defensive. I understand this was the first time fot him, but he is clearly not ready.

Then there is the issue of the massive amounts of text messages. Literally 50, in one day I feel she is moving fast. Way too fast for my comfort level which he was fully aware of. NRE after one date of dinner and drinks? There is clearly a big RED FLAG. We have decided to do some more work on our relationship before trying again. I am taking full responsibility for this as I feel I may have pushed him. Sigh, what a mess.

Glitter 08-05-2012 05:23 AM

Hmm, were the messages funky to you? Or just the amount of them? I wonder because I tend to send a lot of messages to my potential love, because he's told me he appreciates the contact. I should find out what his wife thinks, I don't want to cross any boundaries with them :)

Hopefully you will have better luck next time! And remember, it's not a race ;)

Magdlyn 08-05-2012 01:50 PM

Oops! It's not classy to get drunk on a first date!

Welcome to the world of watching your primary experience NRE. It can be unsettling, the intensity...

KyleKat 08-05-2012 02:10 PM

Quantity of texts is nothing. I text like crazy. My wife gets annoyed because I'm tied to my phone all the time, but it's not because I'm talking to another girl or anything. It's because I'm on my phone. NRE develops at different paces for different people.

The drinking is definitely a problem. The other stuff I feel is natural. But that's me. Everyone is different.

newtoday 08-05-2012 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lionessjlf (Post 146367)
My husband has recently come around to being poly. After much discussion and pure honesty I must say it went pretty smooth. He still has some issues/boundaries to sort out, but so far so good. I am delightfully basking in the glow of how well our relationship has grown thus far and am looking forward to more.

How did he "come around" to being poly?

I was reading your initial threads and they stated he was clearly very Mono.

Perhaps the drinking was his way of coping with a very uncomfortable situation. And the amount of texting is him getting caught up in some extra attention.

Either way, I don't believe that this is going as smoothly for him as you think it is.

lionessjlf 08-05-2012 04:52 PM

It was both the quantity and the context of the texts. I won't go into details, but they have cowgirl written all over them. Newtoday, you hit the nail on the head, he is definitely struggling. We have hab many conversations about both of our comfort levels and he seemed to develop amnesia the minute he got out the door. I have a huge issue with things moving fast. He knows that. I a little bummed out but on the positive side, I know what areas need more work.
Thank you everyone for your input, I am really happy to have found this site, it's the best!

lionessjlf 08-05-2012 05:13 PM

I also agree that the frequency of messages is normal, to a point. If they were normal getting to know you type. They just met. They have known each other a total of 5 days. Face to face for six hours. The rest of t has been through phone or email. The context of the communications were more of the 'can't wait to hold you in my arms, wake up next to you, spend the weekend together, have you to myself' type of messages. Scary red flags. In that short of time? I feel is not normal.

Glitter 08-05-2012 09:54 PM

Hmm, it does sound like serious NRE. Is she poly? Has she ever been in a poly relationship? It could be just NRE for her. I agree the drinking isn't a good thing, especially if you both agreed not to. If you were to see my hubby's texts to his interest, they are the same way. Not meant in a cowboy way at all, just he's very excited to get to know her :D He's cute that way. I tend to text a lot as well, but more every day things. Hopefully you both can sit and talk about what these feelings are and what to do about them :)

lionessjlf 08-06-2012 12:14 AM

Her and I have opened up the lines of communication. We are all going to get together and chat. She is new to poly and was very considerate and understanding of my concerns so I'm feeling alot better about it. My hubby and I had a long talk today as well about my comfort levels and boundaries again. He has a clear understanding and all and all went well. I think that maybe since the two of them have never been in this type of dynamic before there will be alot more issues that will come up. As long as we're all capable of honestly communicating about them as they come up, we'll be OK.


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