Discovering Poly, first night alone fears
Hello everyone, I will start with a background story before getting to the stuff I could use some help with.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years now happily. A few weeks ago we went to a music festival with a friend of hers and my girlfriend and I wanted to propose the idea of a threesome to her. She approached her and asked if she could kiss her, she said no and laughed it off. We decided to hold back on asking her for a threesome but later that night while we were sleeping the friend came in kissed my girlfriend while we were in bed together. I was awake but eyes closed as not to alarm anyone since it seemed to be very secretive.
The next morning they both pretended nothing happened and in the days following they spent some time talking about it without my knowing of their meetings. I knew something was happening but I was being lied to, my girlfriend admitted to me after I questioned her about her strange behavior that her friend had developed feelings for her and according to my girlfriend they kissed but nothing else happened during their meetings. We had a good long talk together about it and it seems that they both have never felt any emotions or sexuality toward other girls but they are both developing feelings for each other.
Before I even learned about Polyamory or what it is I told her that if she wants to explore this that I am willing to let her. I have a very liberal attitude and given specific circumstances it seemed like a rare opportunity for both of them to explore these new feelings and sexuality's, so I told them to meet, talk, discover, and that our dreams of a threesome can wait because of all this. I only requested of her that we be completely honest with each other and not hide anything or it would ruin both our long loving relationship and their new found feelings at the same time. They talked together again and my blessing seemed to calm their fears of ruining any existing relationship. But they wanted to wait until all three of us could talk together to go though with anything.
in the days following this I did a lot of looking around to see if I could find anyone in a similar situation as mine, and behold! Polyamory! It made me feel so much better to find out about this world of people that can have multiple loves and work in a safe ethical way as not to hurt anyone. I shared this information with my girlfriend and her face seemed to light up and she seemed interested and relieved. I have found this forum particularly useful to help me solve though the details of something like this, which is why I am here posting this to you kind folks.
Now here is where things became tricky for me and where I could use help;
The other night we all three gathered to talk about our thoughts to the friend who does not know of our Poly research. Though the conversation went well we never specifically mentioned Polyamory to the friend because she is leaving in a month and thought we did not need to introduce new stress. We talked about how I will be fine and they can go explore these new feelings, in fact I encouraged them to spend time together and that I could take a trip away for them to be alone. It was nice when the conversation was over, I think they had no more fear of getting between me, and I felt comfortable that they would communicate with me. We all ended up spending that night in the same bed and out of nowhere a threesome sexual encounter (first time for all three of us). I am happy to say that the night could not have been better, we all had a great time, spent equal time with each other, cuddled, etc... That was the first time the two of them had been with other girls in bed.
The next day they came over again in the evening. This is where things got weird for me. I told them I know they wanted some time alone together, and I wanted to give them that time alone. The friend has too many roommates and I did not want them to have to spend the night elsewhere for money like a skeezy hotel for something like this. I offered to sleep in the other room while they spend the night together. I really wanted them to be together for themselves, my girlfriend came into the other room to make sure I was again OK with this and they went to the other room together for the evening.
Within minutes I became overwhelmed with anxieties, fear, but not necessary jealousy because I wanted them to be alone with each other. My heart raced, I was sweating lying down, and having a really hard time sleeping knowing that they were in the other room having sex and spending the night together. I tossed and turned and over-analyzed until the friend left the next morning and my girlfriend came in to lay with me. I was able to calm down after that and she tried to console me but was still confused about her feelings with everything. I reassured her that I want them to have time alone together, and I really do. But how do I get over this horrible feeling I had that night when I was alone in bed. I want to be able to relax and not worry and allow them their time without the urge to bother them.
The other tricks are that our place is really the only feasible place for this to happen, so I will always be very close to where they are having sex and spending the night so much so I have to avoid going in and bothering them. Also the friend leaves in a month and I want them to have time together, but not so much I feel left out. And lastly and weirdly we all enjoyed sex together as well, and want to do it again, how can we mix this into things without going overboard?
Thank you all for reading this long drove of mine, the last two paragraphs are where most of the fears and problems lie.
Your answers to your questions are inside YOUR polyship, with YOUR polyship peeps.
What I do not get a sense you have is a solid framework, covenant, or contract (use whatever vocab y'all use) for HOW you agree to be together. Here's how I roll in my poly gamebook
This has not happened yet for you because this polyship configuration has NOT been well defined. That conversation has to happen first.
What is this? A baby "V" with your GF as the hinge with "special occasion" only threesomes maybe? A baby triad trying to grow? WHAT?
Expect wiggins as your body clears the endorphin highs. Do your poly aftercare stuff. Learn this about yourself and what it is you need to be reassured.
You are also experiencing Tug of Change. Remember you are in transition here with your relationships with these people. It can feel like Tug of War of the Heart. But there is NO ACTUAL WAR on. It is Tug of Change.
Change is scary sometimes. This new partner person is NEW. Are they from the Muppet Show? Things higgledy-piggedly? Or are they from Star Wars honorable Jedi with good ethics? You are gonnna find out!
So... get your gamebook down for this polyship configuration, and the actual configurtion itself.
What is THIS? How to we agree to be together in THIS so we are in right relationship to each other?
I think addressing these things will help your heebie jeebies.
WOW. I can totally relate. How do we get over the feelings that we feel? Mentally we can. Mind strength . The way I see it we already went over a big hump to admit that an open relationship is best. What to do what to do.
Hi JimBoy. Yeah I too have struggled with those intense feelings. I am part of a triad, but my wife and GF are very much in the throes of NRE. we enjoy the threesome experience, but they also want time alone. The GF wants time with me and maybe some sexual stuff...but is not quite comfortable with me yet. She is very comfortable with my wife (we are all women) and very much wants to have her spend the night. I have watched them make love and it is very intense. Mostly I think it is beautiful. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed,a little jealous, and insecure. I feel like an outsider. We interact very well together sexually. I know its my shit that needs to be worked out. My best offer of help is to talk...A LOT...with both your partners. Talking about what you are feeling helps, and you can make a gameplan for when the two of them spend the night together. I myself am working up to that. I want them to have their time and explore their relationship. But it's not easy knowing that you get to spend the night alone. Make sure things are solid with all three of you before you move forward.
One thing I realized is that I am not getting what I need out of our existing poly relationship. My partners are aware that I am looking for something more and understand. You may be in the same situation.
Hi Jimbo, though my situation was slightly different then yours, be it that this involved my wifes boyfriend, but similar in the sense it was a new relationship for them.
When he would come to visit, we would all typically share the large king size bed we have, and often times they would have sex, even with me in the bed with them, but I would not participate, and typically they would sleep close together through the rest of the night. Since he was able to visit on very rare occasion, about 4 times a year, I wanted them to have the opportunity to have alone time. So on the second or third night of his visit, I offered to sleep in the guest room so they could be by themselves. Throughout the evening, as we hung out, made dinner and had drinks, the more nervous I felt about them being alone when we decided to go to bed. Finally we decided to head to bed, we walked upstairs, and at the top of the stairs, kissed my wife goodnight and her boyfriend thanked me, before heading into separate rooms.
Just like you said, my heart raced knowing they were having sex in the other room, that they would sleep close and cuddling through the night. Finally I fell asleep and woke early the next morning and went downstairs, drank coffee and went online, killing time while they continued to sleep, exhausted from the night before. Awhile later, I could hear they had woken up, but did not get out of bed, I actually could hear them having sex for a bit, then I believe they fell back to sleep again. All of which made my heart race and felt a bit alone.
Finally, I have to admit, it seemed like forever they came downstairs and we all hung out, had coffee and I made breakfast for all of us.
Seeing the smile on my wifes face, having had the opportunity to spend time alone with her boyfriend actually made me feel really good. Her boyfriend was very appreciative also and once again thanked me for the time alone with her. I knew that after he left at the end of the week, it would be months before they would see each other, so I did make a point of it to give them as much alone time also. I think the feeling of compersion over powered any jealousy that could have been there, and the anticipation is so much worse then when something actually happens. But they are all normal feelings.
You should feel good about yourself that you give your girlfriend and her girlfriend some time together alone, and the appreciation you get in return from her makes it all worth it, and her happiness is even more payback.
|All times are GMT. The time now is 12:54 PM.|