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-   -   Curfews...? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2616)

biglover 04-23-2010 12:46 PM

So I and my partner A are exploring our newish open relationship. I say newish because tho we have been open for a year now, we still haven't been able to do much. This is because we are working through all the kinks together.

Now A has been very patient with me in waiting for me to get to the right comfort levels for different things and has encouraged me to explore it on my side tho it has been a very bumpy road.

Now she has someone of interest, W, whom she would like to explore. We have been openly talking about the progress of the situation for quite some time, because we believe that communication is key.

However lately i'm feeling a little twisted around and almost manipulated.

She asked to make plans with W, without mentioning there would be intimacy as a possibility though it is in her right to ask for and expect it, that i apparently agreed to, but then later after i okayed the plans informed me of the intimate intentions.

Now I understand that she is eager to explore her side of the open relationship and i have gotten to a point where i am comfortable enough to deal with it happening, but we were supposed to be at a function later this night together and i mentioned to her that that day may not be the best idea because it is the first time she is doing something solo and i don't know how i will react.

Now she heard me out and sgreed that it would not be the best idea and moved the plans to the day before during the day and she agreed to see me after in the evening. this is what will be happening now at this point. but one thing is not sitting right with me...

I asked her if she could give me a ball park time of when I will be seeing her after the encounter and she refuses to give me one because she doesn't want a curfew. She is meeting W at 11am and if it were still on the original planned day of friday she would be meeting up with me at around 8 or 9 because we agreed to go to that event together.

So i told her that if i haven't heard from her by 8 or 9, I may not want to see her after the encounter because its a long time to be sitting around waiting for her to do whatever with someone else.

I feel like i could be put to calm much more if she just gave me a general time by which i will see her after. I don't think this is too much to ask for and they will have plenty of time to hang out or do whatever.

This also bothers me because many times when i had been working on something with someone else (not A) A would give me curfews or freak out if i didn't respond to messages, etc. Essentially make things very difficult for me to do anythign with anyone and i would always comply to whatever she needed.

Now I feel like i'm the one who needs something and she refuses to help me. This being said she has done a lot positively to get me to this point in our relationship, but with this last step of offering a little time security, I think that i can do everything without freaking out or losing my shit.

But this particular lack of consideration with this regard has really started making me question my love for her and i'm scared and afraid that this encounter might become a catalyst to something far worse than breaking any curfew. I scared that i'm falling out of love with her and this situation isn't making it any better.

I have no idea what to do.

I understand that the curfew thing and i don't want to put that on her tho she has made my past encounters very difficult and unintimate. I have provided her with all the security i can for her encounter and i feel like i need just this little ball park time more, and if she isn't willing to give me that than I don't know if i can do this or even be with her anymore.


Losing my mind...:eek:

Quath 04-23-2010 01:43 PM

Maybe ask her to give you a call at a certain time later on in the evening to check in so she can tell you if she knows how long she will be out. For the first few dates, I think it is natural to want to know the specifics of what you can expect. I think as time goes on, people can get use to more general plans.

While she is out, do something fun for yourself. Don't do anything where you may just watch the clock or obsess on what is happening.

If you didn't want a curfew, then you can unserstand why she doesn't want one. Maybe now she can appreciate what she was asking for when she wanted one from you from before. But if neither one of you really wants a curfew, then get rid of the idea now while you can.

biglover 04-23-2010 02:05 PM

I have made plans with a friend and a 24. so i think that i can keep myself distracted.

I have thought about asking for a check in call. She has said that it is possible that she may not do anything intimate and that they may just hang out. so i feel like if she called to check in and was like " nothing happened yet but i think it will for sure i'll call you when i'm done" won't sit very well with me and may increase my anxiety.

I think That eventually we may be able to get rid of the curfew thing, but for the first time i don't think it is much to ask that she do the same i did for her my first time. is that fair?

I feel like if this blows up and we continue doing things like this in this fashion i would need a rule of having a specific time for all later encounters. and would do the same. Curfews never actually bothered me all that much but i can see how they might.

I guess i just feel like we are working backwards. If she can give me a time range this time, (which isn't even really a specific curfew) then i can ease into the whole general plans thing much more as you were saying. but if she can't even help with this on the first time then i question where this is all going between us.

I want the open thing to work and thrive, but baby steps. I get that its a control thing and i just feel like i've had my share of being controlled in this situation reversed and now this is all i'm asking. But she won't move on this.

thanks for the advice tho, a check-in is something i will give thought to.

redpepper 04-23-2010 06:39 PM

I agree that it might be best to find something so distracting that you barely notice the time. I don't see why it should be an issue to just send a text at say 10 pm to say what's up and where the night looks to be heading. It is also a matter of her telling who she is with that she will get in touch with you at 10 and would like to be home by such and such time. That way no one is left in the dark and the date can follow a natural flow of time, rather than everyone guessing where it is going to go. There is no need to get it all done in one date anyways. There is lots of time and other dates to look forward to. Why not plan on a certain number of hours and then if things aren't accomplished then make a plan soon after for another date.

When I have dates with my partners I usually set a time frame. It just works better. There are no expectations of more or less time that way and whatever we are doing is accomplished in that time frame. For instance, last Saturday I spent time with my boy in the morning, then I went for a hike with derby from 12 to 6.30. We had dinner in that time frame too. At 7 I was at Mono's house for the evening and stayed until 1 the next day. Nerdist knew that I would be home then and that he would have a chance to go out then as that became my boy time. He got home at 3.30 and we had family time for the rest on the evening, until the boy went to bed and then it was me and Nerdists time together. Everyone knew when I would get there and when I had to leave. There was no expectation or issue, it's just how it works best with more than one partner. At lease for us.

biglover 04-23-2010 08:46 PM

Its because this is the first time she will be doing anything solo without me and part of the agreement was that she was going to spend the day with him and then see me in the evening. This is why a txt or something at 10pm is too late for me.

the problem is that she refuses to give me even a rough time of when i will be seeing her in the evening even tho she agreed to see me then and because she refuses to give me even a ball park time i feel like that might mean i won't get to see her that night and that would break the agreement.

She has been really good about helping me to a certain comfort level because she has done this b4 and i haven't. but this is a big step and i only feel like i can handle it if i have an idea of at least ok this is when i will be seeing you around.

It wouldn't bother if she was even late or something, it bothers me that suddenly there is a lack of consideration. I don't know if its just because she is eager or since she has waited awhile to do something, but i'm pretty sure it isn't because of the other person involved.

I just don't know how to deal with this because she won't take how i'm feeling into consideration or is now starting to accuse me that i'm being too controling and just don't want her to do it or i am trying to delay it. and it really hurts because i've gotten over the jealousy and the worry, but its just this one consideration and suddenly it feels like i'm asking too much.


MonoVCPHG 04-23-2010 09:22 PM


Originally Posted by biglover (Post 27381)
it bothers me that suddenly there is a lack of consideration.


That would bother me too and on the surface this is what it looks like to me.

biglover 04-23-2010 09:32 PM

But she doesn't see it that way and i'm sure she wouldn't mean to, she just sees me asking for this as being a way to control the situation and i'm sure i could get to the point of not needing a specific time, but this is the first time and its something to work towards. but this feels like a step in the wrong direction. and i feel like it would make me less likely to want to continue this.

She sees this as me ruining it for her or something. i don't know...

MonoVCPHG 04-23-2010 11:05 PM

Perhaps you can explain to her that starting off with solid boundaries is the way to quickly remove them. Here is a link to a thread that discusses how quickly things can change when boundaries or requests are respected.


biglover 04-23-2010 11:14 PM

thanks i am checking it out now...

biglover 04-23-2010 11:25 PM

this is definitely good positive re enforcement. however it is not other peoples's boundaries i'm worried about it is hers in a way because for this time i need her to oblidge me and my needs and then i think your right. I would find it much easier to relax into letting go of those boundaries.

This whole stint however is pushing me to an edge in our relationship and i feel like running away...very far...

is this what i should be feeling? or should i ttry to get rid of it. I know ultimadums are crap but i feel like if she can't help make this work then i can't do it and we are done...

This is scarring me MUCHLY.:eek:

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