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-   -   How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26159)

Nathan 08-02-2012 01:28 PM

How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one?
 
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

KyleKat 08-02-2012 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nathan (Post 146290)
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?

AnnabelMore 08-02-2012 04:05 PM

Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?

Nathan 08-02-2012 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 146298)
So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 146300)
Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?

Yes, at the moment Aurelie does engage in sex with him much more than she does with me. This is because both his wife and I have agreed that they can see each other whenever they want. Before they had set nights together, which they still do have, but now he can also come to my house to see her when he wants to, and Aurelie can go to his. Aurelie has said that they are taking advantage of this new freedom, and that they are experiencing a NRE type energy. I'm happy for them to share this together at the moment.

Normally, our sex life is very active and loving, so it's not a matter of who gets the most sex, him or I, it's more as you suggest, that he is more successful at meeting her sexual needs than I am. I have seen them together, and they do have a really incredible sexual chemistry together, and I'm happy to see her have that in her life.

I asked the question because I think that it would be unusual for guys to be as calm about it as I am. I think part of the reason for this is because I'm turned on by her being with another man and that someone is more able and better equipped to satisfy her than me. It was something that I was very embarrassed about, and it took encouragement from Aurelie for me to come to terms with it. The three of us are very comfortable with the sexual dynamic we share now, so it's great.

I think that we are very honest with each other, and this really does help our poly relationship.

Are others as honest with each other, or is it a case of people saying things like.........

"I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true.

Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?

It's like when mothers tell their kids that she loves them all equally, when in truth, this is rarely true. She may treat them equal, but in her heart, she will have a favourite.

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?

Thanks

LovingRadiance 08-02-2012 06:02 PM

love and having a favorite are different to me. I have 3 kids of my own. I love them all equally.
BUT my favorite is the one I get along with best.
The one who gets the most from me is the one who I've had the longest AND shared 6 years alone with.

But-favorite isnt=to any aspect of the love I have for them. Its about who I enjoy most to hang out with.

The same is true with my guys.

It's not as clear cut as you define-but one of them is primary in many ways and the other is primary in some other ways.
Ironically, the one I have the least sex with is much like you said-takes it well and easy going about accepting that he doesn't fulfill that part for me as well.
But, the one who I have the most sex with tends to be insecure about it (WTF?).

I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.
HOweVEr, I certainly have a favorite for who I confide in and am most vulnerable with emotionally, I have a different favorite for who I party with etc...

Favorites come into play regarding what activities I want to participate in-there are different people who are my favorite for different things.
But love-totally unrelated.

GalaGirl 08-02-2012 09:13 PM

Aw.... you guys sound like you are in a good place in your polyship. It's tender bittersweet sweet. I so love that feeling!

The feeling of ***It's wonderdul! It's horrible! It's wonderful! Gah! LOVELOVELOVE! WHEE!*** :D

Quote:

Are others as honest with each other,
Yes, DH and I are that honest with each other.

Quote:

or is it a case of people saying things like..."I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true. Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?
In previous V where I was MFM hinge? In our previous "V" arrangement, this was not yet earned. It was a soft limit.
  • Both knew I loved and was seeing the other.
  • Both knew I would NOT dicuss sex information beyond hygiene needs.
  • Discussion of personal preferences, abilities, proclivities and so forth was guarded under the Covenant of the Bedroom. (the soft limit)

So there was no cross-sharing of TMI information beyond names, when it went loverly, and what was needed for safer sex hygiene. DH (Then BF) was the most comfortable with the intrigue first on that one I think. I was ok with it for ME but uncertain with the others owning it. I would have been willing to go there and lower the TMI wall a bit to let some other things flow to find out. OSO had the hardest time with TMI walls coming down. So they stayed up to his comfort zone so we could be at the slowest speed person. Then all were mostly fine. Yay for happy medium solutions.

Quote:

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?
Should the TMI wall be down?

DH and I honestly confess to it being part of the whole polydragon chasing turn on. But that is shared WANT, not a NEED in a new polyship should that emerge. (We are closed at this time.) So I'll just enjoy via compersion peekies that YOU are there in your polyship.

*** throwing confetti ***

YAY! It's is wonderful! Horrible! Wonderful! Wheeeee! Thanks for sharing that peek into your world. Made my morning. :)

warmest hugs,
GalaGirl

Hannahfluke 08-02-2012 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nathan (Post 146290)
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

This pretty much sums up my life. My husband is definitely my primary, because our lives are so entwined with our boys, our house, shared finances, etc. However, my boyfriend is definitely my sexual primary and my husband's girlfriend is definitely his sexual primary. I get jealous of it sometimes and I know he feels bad occasionally that my boyfriend brings out a side of me that he doesn't, but it's just the way it works out.

Brid75 08-05-2012 12:17 PM

I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.

Magdlyn 08-05-2012 01:42 PM

Just to represent for the queers (speaking as a pansexual woman)... my gf miss pixi (3 1/2 years together), used to be much more sexual with me for the first year or so, but because of various things going on in her life, anxieties, health issues, job loss, her drive has lessened. I've also been dating men met thru ok cupid the whole time we've been together, and since my sex drive is extremely high, she has always found it a relief that I can let off some steam with other people.

After a long search for "Mr Right," and kissing many frogs, I met The Ginger in early January of this year. We click on many emotional levels, and share many interests, AND, he is just as super horny as me. :) We only see each other once a week on average, but generally have 3-5 sex sessions on that overnight visit.

I'd love more sex with miss pixi though, and it's taken much patience to overcome feeling rejected sexually by her since NRE faded. Also we used to do a lot of kinky stuff she's no longer that into. However, we do manage sex a couple times a week, sometimes basic vanilla 20 mins stuff, once in a while a bit of a flogging or something...

Every now and then, for no apparent reason, her drive will rev up and we'll have intense sex once or twice a day for a few days in a row. I enjoy it while it's happening and go with the flow!

AutumnalTone 08-05-2012 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nathan (Post 146290)
I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.


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