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-   -   Supporting SO in break up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2615)

findingme 04-23-2010 12:04 PM

Supporting SO in break up
I have posted a couple of times before about the poly (or not so poly) relationship that I am currently in. For a brief background, Long term partner started relationship with someone else - I had always known this was likely, but struggled/ing with my own self-confidence to fully accept the change- although I am improving in my own jealousy management. An added complication that she is married, but husband doesn't know, hence my comment about not so poly.

However, we are moving to a different country in a couple of weeks, so their relationship will as good as end, although I suspect they will stay in contact on the internet. So since they are going to have to split up anyway, I'm going to have a chat with him after we've moved about in the future NOT getting involved with people where their SO doesn't know . I don't really want to add to the pain that he's currently feeling, and she is too, as they are very much in love. I don't like seeing him hurting.

I want to be able to help him while he's going through this, and I suspect the best way is just to be there, but there's a little selfish side of me that still hasn't fully come to terms with him being in love with someone else it is hurting to see him being so distraught over someone else that's not me... not that I want him to be distraught over me of course! It's that it very much brings home exactly how much he loves her, and it's something that I can't help with.

I also know that there will be another relationship at some point in the future (he's poly, I think I'm mono, although have never met anyone that has tempted me to think about it really). He says that it won't happen again because there is too much pain from this one and he doesn't want that again. But based on human nature he will, of course, heal and at some point I am sure he will meet someone else that is special and has a link with him. So I intend to stay on this forum and try to keep thinking about the ideas and emotions involved so that maybe next time I will know myself a little better and have some techniques to meet a new relationship in a positive fashion (although, once more, if it turns out another time that it's someone else who is not telling their other half then I'm going to have to let him know that I disagree).

In one way, I also wish that the situation hadn't been as it is, and that we weren't leaving because I was just beginning to find ways of dealing with it, and only starting out on the route. I really like her and get on with her and if it could have been possible I think that I might have enjoyed some aspects of discovering this side of life with two other great people involved.

I'm waffling a little now I think, so I'm not really looking for any kind of response, maybe more just trying to think out loud, rather than make a point. Sorry!

kamala 04-23-2010 12:27 PM

I have experienced a lot of what you're talking about. It's a strange place to be in - there's a lot of mixed emotions, or there was for me, when my partner started having problems with his gf. On the one hand, I was sad for him, and wished he didn't have to go through the pain of it, on the other hand, I was slightly relieved that, at least for a while, the complications and challenge of another person would disappear for a while, and on a ...uh... third hand, I was stressed too because I liked her and didn't want her to leave either! :)

You're right though, there's nothing much to do except be present, in whatever way works for you both, and let him mourn her. It might be shitty to see him visibly express the degree of his love for her, but supporting him through it could deepen your relationship, and you can learn a lot about yourself, and him, through this break up.

Good luck :) Hoping you can help heal his heart :)

redpepper 04-23-2010 07:21 PM

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would hope that she has learned not to cheat on her husband... ? any sign of that? probably not. grrr....:mad:

Maybe next time he could find a woman to really sink his life into, for your sake and everyone else's. It really is a far better ride that way and can blossom into loveliness.

I hope his heart heals quickly and he realizes that cheating on someones husband is not successful poly (IMHO).... he is lucky to have you by his side... know doubt you will have a wet shoulder.

findingme 04-24-2010 12:15 PM

I think it's more likely that what will happen is that she divorces her husband as their relationship has very rocky for quite a while before this anyway. Hopefully then she can start afresh with a new approach to future relationships.

And once we are through this period, hopefully we will come out the other side stronger than before and able to approach any new relationships as great experiences to be had and shared! :-)

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