Some Assembly Required
Forewarning, this will be a long one ;)
This isn’t something I would normally share with the world. Blindly fumbling in the dark to find just a crack of light isn’t my normal forte. However, it’s not a bad story, nor an exceptional one at that.
I am T. I am a female. I am bi-curious but like dick more. Married to G, 99% straight male loves to cuddle and pamper. We met by chance, online, through chat. It was a whirlwind to say the least. After talking online and phone for a month, we met. We fell in love. We moved in together after just 4 months of knowing each other. That was 10 years ago.
7 years ago we married in a Wiccan/Pagan inspired ceremony. Nowhere in our vows did we commit to monogamy. I should have seen it, I wrote them myself, haha. Within a year I was suggesting we try adding another woman to our relationship, in order to spice things up and to have a full on loving relationship with this woman. At the time, we knew nothing of polyamory, nor of “Unicorn Hunters”. We feared backlash and excommunication from our families and friends.
Twice we attempted to assimilate a woman into our home, only to have it blow up in our faces. I felt so fucking jealous and hated G for wanting to love these other women. After about 6 months of this, we decided to halt our search and to focus on us. I shut down, emotionally and sexually, for years. Our relationship sagged and suffered. I neglected my husband and he resented me for it.
Fast forward to last year. I finally have the balls to suck it up and start facing my fears, my insecurities and found out why I felt the way I did. We end up moving to a house, outside of the city, in a small community that is so loving it’s unreal. My parents move into our house with us. This is hard, but we all eventually figure out how to have privacy and still share the house. G and I start having serious heart to heart talks about what we want in our relationship. I realize a few things.
1. I was not happy with the relationship. I want to explore something with a woman.
2. I want a family. A child or two of our own.
3. I want G to be happy and have a love that wants to be loved by him, and who can help relieve me (he’s extremely touchy-feely and sometimes it bothers me, as I was raised with food being the source of comfort, not physical attention).
4. G has VERY different taste in women than I do ;)
G and I talk about what kind of relationship we want to pursue. I suggest open relationship, but after discovering that is more about sex than a relationship, we agree that is not for us. We are not interested in swinging. We start looking online for clues as to what we want. We discover this forum, and finally start to understand what we are.
After a long time of talking about it constantly, we begin to understand that we want separate relationships. I don’t want to have a Triad, I want someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. He wants someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. We start on OKC and I immediately discover that most of the women interested in me, are not accepting of a poly relationship. Many inform me that I am a sick and twisted pervert for it. Oh well. I discuss with G, the idea of opening up to looking for both men and women. G is fine with it, but is a bit nervous at the same time. Of course, I get a lot of “interest”, that is, until they discover that I am married and not willing to be a fuck buddy. Oh well (again). G gets depressed that no women are interested in him. He worries that he won’t find the right woman to share his life with. We continue to seek others and see what we find.
Flash forwards a bit, and (after disposing of a few septic potentials), a poly couple contacts me. I start talking with S, who is with P. He is interested in me; P is interested in G. Sounds good. We chat online many times, and skype in a group. We talk about what we want (polyfidelitous relationships), and what we don’t want (casual sex). We have a good time talking, and agree to meet.
S and P come to visit, and bring their son, whom we will call Bean. We have a lovely day, and decide to go to their home for the weekend. We are all operating as friends for now. Slow and steady wins the race, no?
The weekend goes well. We enjoy the company and the new part of the province we had yet to see (about an hour from home). We all feel comfortable with each other. Bean loves us, especially G. This floored me, as G is usually uncomfortable with children. This time he bonded with Bean and enjoyed playing with him. He later told me that P and S and Bean are a package deal. He wants to be with P, and Bean is always going to be a part of her life. I was shocked and very happy to hear (and witness!) this :D
P and S have their own issues. They are a bit rocky, but have admitted that they are still willing to see us, even if they broke up. It would be individually however, no group dates or anything like that. They don’t plan on breaking up however, and want to work through their issues. Good to hear.
We feel connected, all of us. We are taking this day by day, since we need to develop a decently solid foundation before we build the roof, haha. We talk about what we would like, in the future. Perhaps sharing a house, all 5 of us, in 2 or so years. We will see.
G is feeling big time NRE. He knows it ;) We talk about it, because he’s excited and wants P to be happy. S and I talk but are more realistic about things, I think. I feel a lot of new feelings for him. I care deeply for all three. We plan on having a few more dates, hopefully individually as well. See how things progress. Right now sex is off the table for everyone. We want to ease into this, not stumble and possibly shatter it. I think it is smart.
The biggest thing is how natural and wonderful it all felt. Knowing we can show affection, touch another intimately and look at another in “that way” without any anger, neither jealousy nor confusion. It’s just great to feel “normal” in our own unique way.
So, here we are. Talking online with each other. They are not out to anyone. G and I are out to my parents and possibly family (if they see our FB, they will know). G’s family knows nothing, and it will stay that way.
I do wonder a few things:
1. If we eventually cohabitate and start families together, how do we explain that to the extended family? I know we could say S donated to father a child for us, and G donated for them. However it seems rather convoluted to me. I know there is time to think about it, but I don’t want it to be something we never think about until it happens.
2. Private space – would be needed. I have pets, and S is allergic to them all. My home will never be pet-free, so they will need to be considered if and when the time comes.
3. Perhaps 2 homes would be better, but next door to each other or something. All I have to go on is Big Love and Sister Wives :P
4. Will we lose more friends and/or family by coming out and cohabitating? What can we do to protect our rights and family from backlash (we are in Canada, less laws to worry about, but I am no lawyer)?
G and I have a much better relationship now. We openly show affection, I do not take him for granted, and he feels loved by me. Being open about who we are and what we want has seriously helped our relationship. Before this, I could easily see us decaying into some stinking goop that no one would want to touch.
So, this is my story-in-the-making. I hope G will join in on this discussion, if he chooses. I will invite S and P to as well, however not sure if they will want to.
Here we are, some assembly required.
I LOVE your title!
2. You would have to get an extremely LARGE home to fit 4-6 adults (if your parents are still living with you) plus any more children that will come along. A duplex that could be converted to have a few shared areas, or even doorways between spaces. Keep the pets exclusively on your side.
For those that suffer with allergies, it can be extremely torturous to be around pets for more than a few hours at a time, sometimes just sitting in the same furniture the pets use is worse than the pet itself. It can also cause some life threatening side effects. For this reason alone, two houses likely on the same property would likely be a better solution. There are better allergy injections around nowadays, which can be helpful, but I would never even consider asking someone to live with a pet if they are severely allergic.
4. Can't say about the backlash of friends, but the way you approach things can make a difference in how they respond. Don't take a negative initial response as their final opinion on the issue. As far as the US vs Canada it depends on where you live in. Many states like California (and other West coast states) don't give a crap about your living situation beyond health and safety regulations (only so many people per # of bedrooms). From what I hear, some parts of Canada have some restrictive laws as well.
***SLOW DOWN!*** I realize you are trying to plan for the future, which is fun, but things are still new and over time, a lot of these things will just work them selves out. There are times when too much planning can set you up to be disappointed or cause anxiety in everyone and that can damage the relationship. Relax and let the relationships develop and unfold naturally for a while more.
Unless your Rosie from the Jetson's, it's almost impossible to keep up with the needed maintenance required to keep pets with someone with pet allergies, then again, it depends on the severity. Also remember the allergies are genetic, and the kids could be bothered as well (I have one that is and one that's not). The less fabrics (upholstery, carpet, drapes, etc) the better.
Both of our homes are carpet free, thank goodness! I would like to get furniture that has less fabric so that it will be easier to clean. Right now a good sweeping daily, and vacuuming (along with using the slicker brush on the couch) daily has helped keep the allergens down. He told us he will know within the first 1/2 hour of being around animals if he will react, so I'm hoping with due diligence, that he will be fine. I don't expect him to be cuddling or petting the pets at all, and they are good at staying away from new people (especially the cats, we didn't see them for a long while the first day, lol!). Luckily Bean is so far not allergic to anything. I don't plan on adding any new pets (except for reptiles), and have been planning on rehoming a couple of the small pets due to my own lack of time for them. We will see ;)
G and I sat down and talked about what we want of this Quad relationship. We want a family unit, love shared and respect all around. We’ve asked S and P for a Skype chat so that we can all communicate what we all want and need.
S has told me he is very comfortable with daily communication, and prefers it. Wonderful for me, as I honestly did not realize how much I want to share with him, the goings on of my day-to-day life. Little, unimportant details that are old and usual with G and I, are new to S and P. I love it! I know, it’s NRE, but that is ok. We have distance between us, so we won’t be able to just burn out too quickly.
G told me he’s read this and he loved it. He said how much he appreciated reading it, from my point. He cares for P quite deeply and (according to S), she for him. So far everything seems to be working well ;)
I actually posted on Facebook, something about Poly. It’s rather blunt, and the only one, other than G, to say something is my biological dad. It’s interesting that he likes and appreciates the idea. I wonder how the rest of my family thinks?
S said he misses me. Major “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” moment :D Don’t get me wrong, I am not head over heels in love with him, but I do see it going that way if we all continue the way we are. I am a little scared of falling in love again. I love G with all my heart; it’s not our relationship I worry about. We’re solid, great foundation. I think I just want to go in without blinders on – just know what we want and what we don’t want.
And I miss them. I love my home and my pets and my daily life. But I miss hanging out with them. P wants to teach me some of her kitchen tricks (she is a chef), and I would love to do some cooking and baking for everyone. I think Bean would love playing with my niece, Doodle.
G and I watched a show on one of the movie channels last night, Polyamory: Married and Dating. I think that is the name. It’s a ˝ hour show, but it was lovely. I was thrilled to see a working Triad and a working Quad. It was nice to see some dynamics, and to see honest emotions. No fluffy cotton candy goop glossing over the fact that people are human, and shit happens. We get jealous. We get annoyed. We get our feelings hurt and hearts broken. But we know this and still trudge forward through it to make our loves and us happy.
So enough for today, I don’t have too much to report ;) But all in all, I am enjoying this path we have chosen. It’s definitely not for everyone, but there is an amazing view ;)
Well, actually I need to NRE for just a moment ;) S has beautiful blue eyes with long dark lashes. G has stunning chocolate brown eyes with long luscious lashes. Damn, I am lucky ;)
Sooo…S and P have broken up. I think. S claims he’s now a single man, but P isn’t saying much. G feels so bad for P, and wishes he could help her out some how. I’m on the fence with what I am feeling about S. I’ve noticed he blames her for all the problems, and never says that he has his own issues or faults. Big flags to both G and I. P admits her own faults, knows she isn’t perfect. I think I will back off a bit with S and see how things go.
Last night G and I spent a few hours talking about what we thought about S and P. We talked through the things we worried about (a huge desire to have children together and yet to keep G and I hidden from family and friends), and both didn’t know where that left us.
Tonight I decided that I don’t want to be a secret. I can handle privacy and all that, and not being open to everyone at the beginning. However, I don’t want to hiding in the poly closet forever, because someone has unreasonable expectations (wanting to be rich and famous before anyone finds out…realistically, how likely is that to happen?).
I think I surprised G by saying that if, in the future, he has a lover who wants to live with us in the home, I am open to that. He was shocked I would be so fine with it. I just told him, my limits are our bed is for us only. He shares her bed and not ours. He was very happy that I was open to it :D I am happy he’s happy ;)
So, I’m back updating my OKC profile. I’m chatting with a local fellow who seems pretty cool. G says he sounds like someone we’d both get along with (fellow laid back gamer type, lol). So I will see if he’s interested ;)
I’ve decided that I am not going to pursue a relationship with S for now. He is blaming everyone and anyone for the break up of his relationship with P. He’s publicly bashing the world and her for this, and that is not sitting well with me. If he can’t hold his own baggage (thank you GalaGirl!), I don’t want to be with him.
I’ve encouraged P to talk whenever she wants or needs, to either of us. I tell G to give her a bit of space, but to tell her he is there if she ever wants or needs to talk.
I’ve been chatting with a local guy, whom I will call JB. He’s cool and likes many of the things we like. He said last night he’d love to hang out with me and/or go on a date. So, maybe ;) We’ll see. He has a more ‘friend’ vibe to me, which is fine as well.
Tried to have sexy time with G last night, only to be met with moodiness and a grumpy man. This morning was much better and has been lovey all day. I like that ;)
So, I am attempting to alter my OKC profile. I feel it’s too long and maybe too much info. If anyone wants to give me some help, let me know ;) I’ll send the link if wanted.
I feel like a blubbery giggly goopy girl right now, but I am heading out on my first real date with S. I know, I said it was likely over, but he wants to make an effort, and I am willing to see how things go. Wish me luck! I am a nervous ball of girl right now :p
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