Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Hi all (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=261)

dVdT 05-14-2009 11:06 PM

Hi all
Hi- I stumbled upon this forum while searching the web for something that would help me deal with this new-to-me polyamory in my life. I definitely need some help with this stuff, as someone who is emotionally monogamous and with a partner who was 'supposed' to be the same, but has now developed strong feelings for someone else who happens to be living with us...I don't want to get into a ton of detail here, as I don't know the best place on this forum to post details, but I need to figure this stuff out. I'm not opposed, really- I just am flailing about in the dark, emotionally, and don't know anyone to bounce this stuff off. The three of us have made a point to talk as openly together and individually as we can, but I still have some 'issues'... I'm willing to give it a try, I think, but I need to just...I don't know, talk about it with someone /some people who have some experience with this stuff. This is all moving way too fast for me, but I'm only one of the people involved.
Thanks, & look fwd. to communicating here.

River 05-14-2009 11:44 PM

Welcome aboard, dVdT!

I must say, I have really good feelings about where you are at, as you stated it. You're stating just how it feels -- scary, upsetting -- yet you're open to exploring and learning.

We're here to help. Also, there are many books and articles and other web-forums to check out. Read here and we'll all share some resources and ideas and experiences with you. You're gonna be fine!


WaywardDruid 05-14-2009 11:57 PM

Welcome to the Forums.


Just Me,

Danny40179 05-15-2009 02:21 AM

Welcome to the forum. This is definately the place for you. I have one piece of advice. You said that you are trying to be as open as you can be. What's holding you back from being completely open?

Also, what are some of your "issues". Once you have those out in the open it'll be easier for you to talk about them in particular so everyone can figure out how to make them better.

Good luck and please ask any questions!!

Ember 05-15-2009 02:23 AM

Good luck, and keep those lines of communication open. Welcome to the group.

dVdT 05-15-2009 03:01 AM

I'll try to answer a few questions, and maybe learn something in the process myself :)


Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 1063)
... You said that you are trying to be as open as you can be. What's holding you back from being completely open?

Also, what are some of your "issues". Once you have those out in the open it'll be easier for you to talk about them in particular so everyone can figure out how to make them better. ...

(little bits of text snipped to highlight questions)

well. Thinking about it, honestly the only thing keeping me from being 100% honest all the time is the fact that my husband's happiness is really, really important to me, and this relationship makes him happy. I know that he cares very deeply about my well-being, my comfort, and how I'm dealing with this, and that makes me feel good, as does the fact that he's told me repeatedly and reassuringly that he doesn't love me any less, we are solid and have been through so much together, I'm his best friend, and I don't have to worry about losing him or him suddenly finding her more important to him than he is..and that's good, no, great that he tells me that and wants to be totally sure that I know those things. On the other hand, I guess I'm not secure enough or evolved enough or what-have-you to not have a visceral reaction to knowing that he is in love with another person, and is sharing with her intimately those feelings that go along with sexuality when you love another person. I guess I'm jealous? I don't know...I have never had a problem with either of us having casual or friendly sexual encounters, and we have always been open in that way. I really like this girl who's become a part of our lives, though whether I would have chosen her for a partner I'm not sure. I enjoy sex with all three of us immensely.

So I guess what I'm saying is that what's keeping me from being 100% up-front is that I don't want to necessarily hold him back from what he's doing because that would make him unhappy, if I told him it felt like a knife in my heart when I hear him kiss her on the head and tell her he loves her. It actually physically hurts...I just never expected this, and that's one of the problems- he tells me he never planned this nor expected this (feelings developing for her in the way that they ahve) either. So then of course my mind goes to the worst possible scenario: "if you didn't expect to feel this way, and you do, and say that you can't help how you feel, what will happen NEXT that you don't expect? What if you start wanting her more than me? What if you decide you've had your time with me and that was great and all, but now you want a relationship with her only?" I mean, he has promised me that that will never ever happen, that I'm his wife & first love & family and he would never do that & doesn't want to hurt me at all. It doesn't help me either that she's very, very pretty, younger, thinner, etc and i know he finds her extremely hot & that their sex is really good. He *says* not like ours, it's nothing like what we have together...then why do I feel like this? I enjoy sex with people too...but emotionally, I'm a one-person person.

...I don't know. As you can see, I'm totally just walking around in the dark here trying to figure this out.

and what are some of my 'issues'? damn...I'll have to save that for another post, this is all I can handle at the moment. :) thanks for listening.

River 05-15-2009 03:29 AM


I respect and appreciate your honest communication here immensely! You're clearly on one of those which I call a "steep learning curve". And that's great! What an opportunity!

We're all so different, aren't we? My love, Kevin, (12 yrs.) and I ... have a very different experience than yours. We'd be more hurt if the other had "casual" sex with someone we didn't really care about much than if either of us were to truly love another and also have that be a sexual relationship! We'd both celebrate the other's love, if that happened -- and we'd probably love to share a lover, the both of us--as in a "triangle" or "triad".

So it's funny.... I know several people who feel more hurt or (in the negative sense) "vulnerable" if their partner falls in love with another than if they "just have sex" with another. I suppose it has to do with what is called "emotional exclusivity/monogamy" as contrasted with "sexual exclusivity/monogamy". In my own case, I'd be extra, super happy if Kevin really did love another--in the full-on way. It would be good for him, so it'd be good for me. It would open him up more! Great! I'd get to bask in the glory of it. He'd not turn away from me, in that. And if he did? I don't think it likely, but if he did, I'd be ready to love another, again. It wouldn't lay me low. I've already been there. Once is enough. Well, I got cut lower when things fell apart with "R". It hurt a LOT. Still does a little. But all-in-all, a corner has been turned and I know that my primary relationship simply HAS to be with myself. My happiness cannot depend on another--but can be enhanced by another. I can only give as much to another, embrace another, forgive and love another, as I may do within myself, with myself. And I won't lose myself until the day I die.

Maybe that's why I feel so free? Because I have turned a corner, and love myself so much. Finally, after all of these years of witholding. I feel I can weather any storm. And that's the corner I have turned. I am here for me, come what will or may.

It is good here.

Danny40179 05-15-2009 03:36 AM

You guys sound a lot like my wife and I when we transitioned from swinging to being poly. We had a very similar conversation where I told her the same thing. I wasn't expecting this to happen!! She had much the same reaction as you did. There's only one thing that you can do in a situation like this. (I mentioned it earlier) You all need to be able to talk openly. I know that you don't want to upset your husband, but these conversations aren't always easy. But they're so important and absolutely necessary to make this lifestyle work.

That brings me to my next question. You said that you like the other woman, but you don't know if you'd have picked her for a partner. Do you think that has anything to do with some of your jealousy? Is there something about her that just resonates as bad or wrong with you? I've learned to listen to my wife's instincts. (I'm a man, so I don't always listen with ther right...tools) Again, these are things that YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND only need to discuss. (Yes, there are times when you and the hubs are going to need some healthy alone time and that's OK!!)

Quick story. My wife liked our current gf, but didn't love her at the beginning of our relationship. It was only after some time that both girls realized they loved each other. I'm not sure if you're bisexual, but that obviously helps that particular situation.

Last and I'll shut up for tonight. LOL If you want this relationship to work, and I mean TRULY want it, then you're going to have to forget everything you ever knew or were taught regarding love and relationships. I say that because you have no idea what the human heart is capable of. (One more story. My wives and I were completely content living as a triad and then BAM, in comes someone that blew all of our worlds away. I didn't think it was possible to fall in love AGAIN, but it seems that's what's in store for us) Use this forum to bounce ideas off of people and to get advice. I wish this place was around when we were starting!! :)

dVdT 05-15-2009 04:01 AM


Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 1070)

That brings me to my next question. You said that you like the other woman, but you don't know if you'd have picked her for a partner. Do you think that has anything to do with some of your jealousy? Is there something about her that just resonates as bad or wrong with you?

(bunch of good stuff snipped to answer just one more question tonight...oh and yes, she and I are both bisexual. Which is great, really.)

answering your question quoted above...I really only meant what I said, that I don't *know* if I would have chosen her as a partner. I am a slow-moving person when it comes to friendships of any kind, and honestly I'm, well, really picky when it comes to who I let deep into my life. I don't want to sound like a snob, because really I'm not, but I just don't *like* that many people, never mind *love*. (if you put any stock in personality types, I'm an INTJ and I'm an engineer- I guess I'm pretty typical of what you'd think about an INTJ engineer when it comes to being extroverted, etc).

I have my husband, 2 close friends, a reasonable circle of acquaintances, and that's enough for me. This is moving faster than I would have liked, is all. Does she have qualities I like? well, yeah. And a few I wouldn't select in a friend, but some of those are a result of the fact that she's 26 and he and I are both 39. She is basically a good person, I think, willing to communicate, and genuinely likes me and respects me and says that she absolutely doesn't want me to get hurt, she doesn't want anyone to get hurt.

Hell, I don't know. all I know is I want everyone to be happy, and right now I am not, and I want to figure out how to get there. Whether that's in this 3-person thing, or not, or just by myself even, identifying what it is in me that causes this pain when I experience him sharing what I thought for so many years was "just for us" might help me deal with it and figure out whether I can do this, or not. I don't know, but I'm not making any decisions or anything, just trying to figure it out. If that's possible...people are SO DARN COMPLICATED! I can design an integrated circuit, but I can't figure out what's going on in my own head & heard. (sigh). thanks...

Mark1npt 05-15-2009 05:31 AM

dVdT....I hear you....for a minute I thought you were my wife, as I've heard this song before but then I realized she just joined this site today and your handle didn't match hers....that was freaky!

But really, it sounds as though the two of you have identical thoughts, worries, fears and pains.......there are small differences in our circumstamces, like neither woman being bi, and we're all a little closer in age, but that's about it.

I can tell you that what you're feeling is normal but I can't yet tell you how to work thru it as we are currently tackling that same dilemma. Honest communication is working so far and as others will tell you that seems to be the key. This jealousy thing needs a quick answer and a fast cure but there doesn't seem to be one.

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:11 AM.