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-   -   Nervous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26092)

Magdalena 07-30-2012 03:50 PM

Hi all, its been awhile since I posted here, like a year ago. At that time we were in what was a possible new relationship, but life happened and she moved on :( I still remain good friends with her, she is just awesome. Since that time we have been living mono, not by choice really, but just no one has come into the picture, until now. So here I am again :)

A quick back story, my husband met this new girl on Ok, she contacted him looking for a possible D/s sexual relationship and that was all. She was recently divorced and wasn't wanting more than finding what she called "subspace". After several emails and conversations, I was sensing red flags in the conversations and felt she wasn't being totally honest about wanting more, whether or not she was aware of them, it was pretty obvious to me. She was also unwilling at that time to agree to some of the terms we set out and that was a deal breaker before it even started, so I said no.

Hop forward several months....I happened to be on another forum and saw that she had a profile and told my husband, I told him if he wanted to he could contact her to see if maybe she had changed her mind about some of the terms. He did contact her and yes she said after a lot of thought she realized she could and would be willing to agree to our terms. We met and talked, it was very pleasant and went well. We went over very thouroughly the terms and all agreed. All went well until hubby and I had a HUGE fight (unrelated to her). I said we need to end any outside stuff until we get our shit together. So he cut it off with her (this being part of the agreement we all agreed to that if any threating or immediate trouble happened we would stop the 'ship') This was about 4 weeks into them meeting up which was only about 3xs. He told her that we had a serious situation and would have to put things on hold. Her response was fine to him, however upon returning home I found a rather rash email. Accusing me of getting on his phone and breaking up with her without him knowing, and how bad that was of me to be so deceitful. I was shocked and explained to her that is not the case, and reminded her that she understood this in the beginning. She then apologized to me for misunderstanding, but from that time forward our communication has been strained.

After about a month of hiatus, my husband and I agreed to pick things back up and return to 'normal'. She agreed to start seeing him again and after a couple of weeks I realized..hmmmm I think she has fallen for him, even though this is what she said she didn't want, what I was hearing was different. I realized going into this type of situation love could develop and it was defininatly a situation that I considered and would have to allow room for if it happened. Hop forward 2 more months to today.

After much, much discussion with my husband and him realizing that yeah she was falling for him, something needed to be done. He shouldnt continue this 'ship' if he felt nothing for her or never could, not fair to pull her along. Being that the nature of their relationship was mainly sexual, he hasnt had a lot of time just to spend with her to find out if he actually could feel for her that way, so we decided for him to start actually moving into a dating situation with her. He presented this idea to her last night, and after a long discussion she did admit to having feelings for him. She agreed but is nervous about it since she has never been in a poly situation before.

Now to me, I am SUPER nervous. I dont think she and I will ever be friends and that was the type of situation I was hopeing for someday, however I realize that I am not the one to dictate who he has feelings for. I also realize that the last situation we were in, I was not ready for and kinda screwed it up a bit. That relationship came out of thin air and kinda blindsided me, we really had only talked about being poly very little. I feel like now I am more grounded and ready to take on this new situation, however I am feeling a little weird about her.

I dont think she likes me and wants him for herself. She has never stated that but its a woman's intuition thing. I trust my husband with my life, but I am nervous about what love can do. I know it makes people crazy and I am nervous about all the nre stuff. BUT man am I really turned on at the same time! Is that normal or am I a super freak, lol. Any newbie advice is welcome, thank you in advance.

snowmelt 07-30-2012 07:08 PM

It sounds like this woman could bring some drama into your life. I just wanted to point that out without going into depth about it. Be aware of the possibility, and talk to your husband about it immediately if she does something that concerns you.


Originally Posted by Magdalena (Post 145941)
I trust my husband with my life, but I am nervous about what love can do. I know it makes people crazy and I am nervous about all the nre stuff.

Make sure you tell your husband this, then let go and talk about stuff as it comes up


Originally Posted by Magdalena (Post 145941)
BUT man am I really turned on at the same time!


Magdalena 07-30-2012 07:53 PM

Agreed, I have already seen a tiny bit before he asked her to date. I noticed she was acting jealous of other girls, not towards me so much, she accepts me I think, but towards anyone else he might be hanging out with. This is what alerted me. He is aware that she is a little drama, but she is also in a very new situation and it is scary for her as well, so I am just being cautious and said we should move slowly. Thanks for the advice :)

snowmelt 07-30-2012 08:32 PM


Originally Posted by Magdalena (Post 145971)
... so I am just being cautious and said we should move slowly.


Also, make sure your husband knows its his job to address all of your concerns as they come up. It important that he understand only he has the power to prevent any dramas that develop between himself and his new girlfriend from coming into the relationship he has with you. If he has good boundaries all the way around, this should work fine.

archbishop69 07-30-2012 08:50 PM

confused a little
If you are asking her to be in a committed relationship with both of you why would a unrelated(to her) issue get her put on the sidelines. That is like a second rate citizen role isn't it . We want you at will kind of thing? Also is she falling in love with you to because she knew it was a package deal kind of no one left behind.

Magdalena 08-01-2012 08:32 PM

Never mind. This was all a big lie. They had been cheating behind my back since January and conned me into it. My husband finally came clean. Pretty fucking heart broken right now. Guess I was right. Intuition was right.

Skater21 08-01-2012 10:00 PM

So sorry.
Hi Magdalena,

So sorry to hear that. I hope that you can pick up the pieces and find some peace in your heart. Betrayal is never fun, but at least now you know, better than continuing to be in the dark. Do what is best for you and protect your heart. I wish the very best going forward, whatever it is you decide to do.


LovingRadiance 08-01-2012 10:55 PM

Mag-I remember you from before. I don't remember the whole story-it's your screen name I recall-because I loved it.

There's nothing I can say to help-but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

GalaGirl 08-02-2012 03:29 AM

Grrrr. :mad:

I feel your pain. Sigh. :(

WHY people do this Muppet Show thing instead of just playing like honorable Jedi? :eek:

It's not like polyamory says "No!" -- it just says "Slow, please. Be easy with my heart too."

Sigh. It is only in the human simmer that we get the opportunities to become our best selves. You are at a crossroads moment.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.


Know you have my support from afar in your time of need, even if the expression of it can only here be so tiny.

*hugs again anyway.*


Magdalena 08-03-2012 02:36 AM

Thank you everyone for your care. I am still working through the feelings and am still numb from all this. I have ran up and down the emotional scale several times. I am a pretty big mess right now, I am not sure where I will end up here. I just cant figure out how I can forgive such massive betrayal. Not only did they cheat, they premeditated a story to make me think they had just met, when in reality they had known each other for at least 4 mos. They made up a big story on yahoo chat so we could all talk and meet. UHHG

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