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forgottennow 07-27-2012 06:21 PM

Wife and I are looking to become poly
 
To start I'm 31 she is 29 we have been together for 12 yrs. We have some questions about being poly 1 does it work and what are the pros and cons of being poly? 2 what is the best way to get into a poly relationship with another person? 3 what is the best way to approach a person that we would like to be in a relationship with us? We have a a few threesomes in the past and it worked well with no regrets or bad feelings. She has been with a woman a few times and does in joy a ladys touch. What are some key points to look at before we get into this and is it better to start with some one you know or start with a new face cause we have some one in mind that we would love to be with us but not sure she would be willing to open up to this so what is the best way to talk to her about it I know I asked that already but it is very important to me and her to get a answer about that question. Thank you and hop to get some great feed back.

SunsetMan 07-28-2012 09:18 PM

Hi Forgottennow,

I am still pretty new here, so I cannot answer all of your questions, but the first and foremost important thing in a polyamorous relationship is ... of course ... total and complete openness and honesty with your partner(s).

If you have any misgivings, fears, hesitation... or conversely excitement, goals... and if you know what it is you are hoping to get out of this, then now is the time to air these things. Talk the subject until you are blue in the face!

I think such a talk or series thereof can only have positive and reinforcing results.

That may be a little Captain Obvious of me, but... that is what I can contribute for the time being.

kdt26417 07-28-2012 09:47 PM

Greetings Forgotten,
Welcome to our forum.

Re: does poly work ... not in every case, but in many cases, yes it does.

Re: what are the pros and cons ... perhaps the biggest drawback is the lack of mainstream support. Other pros and cons largely depend upon the personality that is uniquely you. For instance, is polyamory important to you; do you want it in your life? Is communication a challenge for you? etc.

Re: the best way to get into a poly relationship with another person ... I personally advocate getting to know people as friends first, so that poly gets talked about before it becomes a "hot-button" issue. But for some people, breaking right out into the dating scene and taking it from there is preferable.

Re: the best way to approach a person you'd like to be in a relationship with ... I suppose the direct approach would be best as a rule, e.g., "We are interested in developing a relationship with you, and wonder if the feeling is mutual." But I think you'd want to get to know that person as a friend for awhile before that.

Re: key points to look at before you get into this ... I would spend some time reading the various threads on this site. Probably the top three points are honesty, communication, and compassion. Commit yourself to getting better at all three.

Re: is it better to start with someone you know or start with a new face ... I think that depends on the individuals involved, but often starting with someone you know is a good advantage. Like I said, discussing poly with someone while still in the friendship stage with them creates a kind of "safe place."

Re: what is the best way to talk to her about it ... I'd probably start by just telling her you identify as poly, and what that means to you. Find out what her thoughts are on the matter before investigating any potential mutual attraction or what have you.

Hope some of this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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