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-   -   How do I come out to new second partner? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26019)

Merlyn 07-28-2012 06:41 AM

How do I come out to new second partner?
Hello, I am really new here. Thanks to a lot of reading Ive done on here and especially the Anapol book I finally realized , and accepted that I am poly. What a relief, its like being cured of this ridiculous blindness society imposes.

In a bold all or nothing move I came out last weekend to my partner, we have been in an open sort of relationship for about 4 years. Although she accepeted my lifestyle, and has gone as far as wanting to meet some of my other partners there has been a lack of communication and jealousy. I always just assumed she wanted mono and would never get or accept me. There was a huge wall between us that has just been torn down. Previously I had just figured she would get tired of my screwing around and move on like the rest, I had no way of describing how and why I needed other partners.

A new level of communication, openness, acceptance and compersion has since emerged. We are both actively and effectively dealing with jealousy issues and we now even talk and fantasize about 3 somes and what kinds of guys/girls we are both potentially attracted to. So here's the catch...

I met a girl at easter, she's not 'the one'. She's the 'other one'! No way to to describe the connection chemistry, closeness and love we experienced. I really fell like these are the 2 girls I could settle down with, start a family. Partner #1 would be into it. What she described as far as what our 3rd partner would be is 99.99 this girl. Its like she was made for us.

However she lives 2 provinces away (fucked up as this is, but the same province as my #1 and literally the same place I will be moving next year, too good to be true...) Since we only spent a few days together we havent gotten into really serious territory yet, but all signs are good. Like if I thought I was mono, I would know this is the one. No one wants to hear my sappy shit, but trust me it is real.

So. How the heck do I even bring this up? I am thinking she might just bolt, think I tried to deceive her or something like that. Truth is we only had a few short but amazing, life changing days together and in my bliss I never had the opportunity to get there. There was such an amazing connection she is so inteligent, aware, and enlightened, and communication is so open. I just want to be open and be my self and I have so much love for her. I dont want to deceive her but I also dont want her to think I am some sort of weirdo.

It seems like a perfect situation I just dont want to ruin it. I also know it might just be the newness of it all.

Any words of wisdom aside from 'just be honest'? I mean real practical things, how to start this conversation? I dont know if she's a unicorn or hbb, or whatever. This is really new territory to me and I am just trying to keep this amazing evergy together and is not exactally easy. It kind of puts a lot of pressure on the situation, any help would be greatly appreciated.

Narayume 07-28-2012 03:28 PM

Take her out for a cup of coffee and tell her that there is something you should have mentioned earlier, but you were worried about scaring her off and you really, really like her. Then tell her that you and your partner are in an open relationship. Explain how being poly works and that she by no means has to be anything other than friends with your partner. Be prepared for her to feel betrayed by you not telling her earlier or weirded out.

She might run for the hills, but get back to you a week later and you can send her some info material. She might run for the hills and just be gone. She might ask you lots of questions, so be prepared to answer them and not be offended when some of them seem unfortunate.

You might want to make up your mind as to what you envision her to be if you guys work out. A secondary? Another primary? Do you really envision yourself in a triad or do you think you could be happy in a V? Those will influence your answers and you have to be as honest as you can. You might also want to consider if you imagine that there might be a third after her or if you are really aiming for two. It might not come up, but if it does, then you want to be prepared.

Essentially - be honest, try to be prepared and do not take it hard whatever she says, as she is likely to be shocked and a little hurt.

nycindie 07-28-2012 06:40 PM


Originally Posted by Merlyn (Post 145714)
So. How the heck do I even bring this up? . . . I dont want to deceive her but I also dont want her to think I am some sort of weirdo.

It seems like a perfect situation I just dont want to ruin it.

"Ruin it" - oh, jeez. Do you hear how that sounds? Like a two-year old holding onto a toy he doesn't want to have taken away from him. Just put your big boy pants on and tell her the truth. <<Sigh>>

I am someone who doesn't think that the conversation about poly or non-exclusivity always necessarily has to happen before any involvement at all, but as soon as I get an inkling that there is interest in continuing, I would never let it drag on past three days/dates with someone without letting them know up front. The easiest time to tell someone is always when a relationship is new, before deeper feelings develop.

If things have reached a point where you are referring to her as a partner, I'd say the time to tell her was yesterday! Hello.

There's always a risk she won't stick around, for any number of reasons, but do you want it to be because you hid something important from her? And if you lose her, you lose her, that's life. You're infatuated, but you will survive. Living honestly is always the better option, even if we must lose an opportunity we think is ideal to do so. So... time to get over your trepidations and do the grown-up responsible thing. Be honest.

JaneQSmythe 07-28-2012 07:44 PM


Originally Posted by Merlyn (Post 145714)
Since we only spent a few days together we havent gotten into really serious territory yet, but all signs are good.

I don't have any suggestions, mainly because I can't envision having "spent a few days together" with someone and not talking about relationships. Anyone who has talked to me for 5 minutes knows that I have a husband - he's in practically every anecdote I am likely to tell (and now I find the same thing happening with Dude - although I leave out the true nature of our relationship unless I am actually friends with the person I am talking to).

Perhaps my confusion as to how this seems to come up so often on these boards stems from the fact that I am never talking to people with the intention of trying to develop a relationship with them. For me the progression is always: talk to someone interesting -/-> friends -/-> FWB -/-> lovers -/-> relationship (I don't actually have a "dating" stage anywhere in there - I don't know how that even works). The progression may stop anywhere along that continuum, I have made it to "relationship" exactly twice - but I can't envision myself getting close enough to someone to consider having a relationship with them without going through all of the stages preceeding that...(OK, I guess I could see having a fuckbuddy that THEN became a friend and proceeded through the phases from there).


Merlyn 07-28-2012 09:50 PM

Clear as mud, I know...

Well Partner #1 is a FWB type of thing, open arangement so I can do what I want with a clear conscious and up until now has been don't ask don't tell, be safe. Only in the last week has it gotten to what you might call 'relationship'. I am starting to understand an accept myself and I wanted to end it unless she could accept me. I wanted to be sure she didnt really want mono, and to know it was something I could not be. Green light.

Partner #2 just happened and we both aggreed to not get into a relationship. Neither of us wanted anything serious, just enjoying great sex, lots of non sexual physical contact, and the most amazing intelectual stimulation and connection I have ever experienced. This led to some intense emails, and phone calls, we are just bonding like crazy.

I just dont want to inject extra drama without being able to communicate in person. We are going away together in August, and if it is feeling like it might become a relationship I just want to be upfront with her. I also know she is no ones toy, and is also seeing other people. It's been really open and honest and I dont intend to change that. I would definately consider the potential of a relationship with her in whatever form, were just not there yet. So that pretty much answers my question.

I guess Partner #1 being really into it just adds a layer of complexity I was not ready ffor.

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