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-   -   Negotiating Rules (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2601)

WalksThroughFire35 04-21-2010 03:44 PM

Negotiating Rules
 
Anyone have a fairly exhaustive list of rules and sexual behaviors for negotiating non monogamous relationships?

Derbylicious 04-21-2010 03:57 PM

Are you looking for a checklist? I'm not all together clear on what you're asking for. I don't know if there is anything like that out there because what it tends to come down to is what everyone involved is comfortable with. Rules tend to relax over time as well. I don't think I've been much help.

-Derby

WalksThroughFire35 04-21-2010 04:06 PM

yea, a checklist perhaps ... I'm having a hard time even just finding a list of sexual behaviors outlined on the internet. You would think that wouldn't be too difficult.

So yea, I'm looking for a list of sexual behaviors to negotiate and I guess a list of examples of rules/boundaries.

Ariakas 04-21-2010 04:16 PM

ummmm...in reference to what? Like what you allow your partner to do with others?...or are you getting into the kinky side of thing to?

I think you will find most checklists are too generic. If you take even basic acts

Dating
Kissing
Fondling

Each of those is different for each couple/person. Dating for my wife and I is something we have always done. We hang out and go out with people individually all the time. Kissing is something we don't have a problem doing with others. But lots of people have that as off limits.

You may have to conjure one up for yourself.

Derbylicious 04-21-2010 04:29 PM

It's not great, but it might be a start to get a conversation going.

http://www.search.com/reference/Huma..._and_practices

vandalin 04-21-2010 04:34 PM

When my hubby and I were first talking about what would be allowed (it was our first foray into poly afterall) we actually spent time describing and coming to a consensus about how WE were to define physical acts. Everyone has different ideas as to what constitutes what, even for the most basic terms. I had a boyfriend who thought "making out" was having sex!

As I was the one with an interest in someone else, I let my husband tell me what he was comfortable with at the time and then if I had questions or felt he left anything out, I just asked him, "well what about this?" As time went on, the boundary changed until he was comfortable with the idea of my having sexual intercourse with this other person...probably should have a chat with him again to see if this was just with Elric or with any gent I happen to develop a relationship with.

It's all about communication. Sometimes it's easy once you get started talking about it. Whatever you do, do not worry about "fine tuning" everything. Just a good general or semi-specific definition that you both can agree upon is great.

Good luck!

GroundedSpirit 04-21-2010 09:13 PM

Hi Firewalker :)

Here's our "rule"..........

"Rules" are a tinfoil shelter that offer the weak and thoughtless a false sense of security. Until the first good wind comes along.

We want nothing to do with "rules" !

Instead what we want & need are love, kindness, compassion & thoughtfulness (awareness).

If you can surround yourself with that and ACT in that manner a need for false shelters goes away.

I'd be careful of "rules". As we all know & say - rules are meant to be broken. And usually are because we can't have the foresight to see every possible combination of circumstances that life may throw at us.

But we CAN always choose our actions with the best intent for all concerned.

GS

Derbylicious 04-21-2010 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 27213)
Hi Firewalker :)

Here's our "rule"..........

"Rules" are a tinfoil shelter that offer the weak and thoughtless a false sense of security. Until the first good wind comes along.

We want nothing to do with "rules" !

Instead what we want & need are love, kindness, compassion & thoughtfulness (awareness).

If you can surround yourself with that and ACT in that manner a need for false shelters goes away.

I'd be careful of "rules". As we all know & say - rules are meant to be broken. And usually are because we can't have the foresight to see every possible combination of circumstances that life may throw at us.

But we CAN always choose our actions with the best intent for all concerned.

GS

I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby

MonoVCPHG 04-21-2010 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 27216)
I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby

Good point Derby..things like fluid bonding do reruire certain safety rules I believe.

I get what GS is saying though..if we act out of compassion and awareness the necessity to have rules for the most part is negated.

LovingRadiance 04-21-2010 09:49 PM

[SIZE="4"]YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/SIZE]

The book "Opening Up" had an exhaustive list. It was a lifesaver for us.
Everytime we tried to think about it we all got that "uh, duh" look on our faces cause our minds went blank.

The book had a GREAT checklist-pages and pages and pages long.


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