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butterfly 01-20-2009 05:09 PM

Couple in Pitt
Hi We are a married couple in Pittsburgh and are new to poly. I just accepted being Bi and am working on being more open about it. We just recently broke up with our girlfriend of about a year with her saying she couldn't handle it. Not really sure where we go from here but we are trying. Will be nice to talk to others who have been in this kind of relationship and can understand where we are coming from.

nethergirl 01-22-2009 05:04 PM

Well I'm not sure what your situation is, why was she having problems and what couldn't she handle? :)

butterfly 01-24-2009 08:40 PM

Don't really know what she couldn't handle...that's all she will tell us. Just said it was all too much. Her and I were doing pretty well I thought but she was pulling away from my husband. Never could find out why. Communication was a very big problem with her. This was the first relationship like this for all of us so there were alot of issues that came up along the way but with communication and honesty we thought we could handle anything. Guess the main issue all along looking back at things was that she was never fully into a relationship with him from the start, so that put alot of stress on things.

nethergirl 01-26-2009 06:12 PM

Yea.. communication definitely is key.
You also have to remember that when you get into triad-territory its not so black and white.. the new person coming in may not be attracted to you equally and it's unfair to her to assume that she must be. Personally I handle relationships individually, like if she liked me and not my boyfriend only i would date her, but if she liked both of us then all three of us have a relationship or she has a separate one with me and a separate one with him. Perhaps she was just uncomfortable being expected to like both of you.

butterfly 01-29-2009 04:12 AM

That was the understanding from the very beginning and she agreed several times throughout the time we were together that that is what she wanted....a full equal relationship with us both so it was always a struggle going on somewhere. Guess just live and learn to do better the next time. My husband and myself are not looking for individual relationships...we are a package deal so if that means we don't have our triad so be it.

nethergirl 01-29-2009 10:05 PM

I definitely understand what you are saying.. I figured she probably agreed to it but saying and doing are two different things.

I am glad you are very reasonable about it like 'we are a package deal so if that means we don't have our triad so be it."

I've found its pretty hard for triads/quads etc to work out evenly.. or sometimes they start out that way but one half wants to break up, or one half gets closer to eachother than the other half.. its tough!! good luck to you

AutumnalTone 01-30-2009 05:28 PM

I suspect you'll encounter that more than once. A girlfriend broke up with me last autumn with a "I'm just not a poly anything" statement. She'd never come to terms with it, apparently, despite months of being involved. Heck, she and I have a child (from a long ago fling) and that couldn't help her get comfortable with a poly arrangement.

As for where to go after a breakup, well, it's much like going through a breakup from a mono relationship. My wife, who was never involved with my lover (a vee), has been looking actively for a girlfriend. I'm still not certain I'm quite ready for another lover, so I've just been trying to meet people without any thought to another relationship.

Some friends of ours had a triad break up. One of the women announced she had to move away on her own to pursue her dreams, leaving the other two in her wake. They've not, as far as I can tell, even thought of finding another partner. The triad had been together several years, plus the woman who left had been involved with the man for longer--and those two were married.

The dynamics of any situation after a breakup will differ as those affected work through it in their own fashions. Give it time and I suspect you'll find yourselves drawn to somebody new some time down the road.

nethergirl 01-30-2009 09:59 PM


Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 81)
The dynamics of any situation after a breakup will differ as those affected work through it in their own fashions.


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