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-   -   Newbies and Veterans. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2599)

redpepper 04-20-2010 10:40 PM

Newbies and Veterans.
 
I made a new friend this week that started a conversation with me about being a veteran to poly. It was about a symposium that he was on whereby the panel talked about Newbies expectations of poly Veterans.... I shall quote, "newbie's tendency to assume the poly veteran is going to be confident and comfortable when the newbie goes out to play with a new lover." He suggested that us veterans are leaders in the community also and I wondered about that statement as it seems to be out there in my poly community where I am.

two fold question....
1. Is there a tendency towards Newbies thinking that veterans should be more capable of over coming some of the major poly issues such as jealousy... etc.?
and
2. How do you feel about the word "leader" as far as veterans in the poly community go?

Ariakas 04-20-2010 10:44 PM

1 - no I don't think so. I expect some people in general will be better at handling jealousy etc. Being a veteran may mean you have more experience in dealing with jealousy, but that doesn't always mean much. Its almost akin to speaking with someone married 4 times about being married. Will they be better at it then the unmarried couple? :)

2 - hmmmmm...how bout mentors?...the idea of "leaders" brings about an exec level role that may grind peoples gears the wrong way. Just a thought :)

MonoVCPHG 04-20-2010 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 27154)
the idea of "leaders" brings about an exec level role that may grind peoples gears the wrong way. Just a thought :)

I have the same response..perhaps because I have been in the military for 20 years. It's not so bad when people consider others leaders through their actions, but when someone refers to themselves as a leader I just want to give them the big "fuck you".

LovingRadiance 04-20-2010 10:59 PM

SOME people think that if you are "naturally poly" or a "veteran poly" that it should be easier for you. I think it's a crock of shit.

I told Maca yesterday that it's not EASIER emotionally, it's EASIER to make yourself do what you have to do if you are DISCIPLINED in your training of yourself.

Like running-the RUNNING itself may or may not be EASIER after 6 months of doing it daily.
BUT making yourself get out of bed and do it is easier-because you have gained discipline in your behavior. You may still feel like "FUCK THIS I DON'T WANT TO RUN RIGHT NOW" but you make yourself get up and do it-the MAKING yourself part is easier after you've been disciplined in doing so for some time.

The same is true for me in DEALING with my feelings of jealousy etc. I still FEEL them just as intensely-but I find it easier to deal with them in the way I have outlined as appropriate-because I've been disciplined in making myself do so for years......

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 27159)
I have the same response..perhaps because I have been in the military for 20 years. It's not so bad when people consider others leaders through their actions, but when someone refers to themselves as a leader I just want to give them the big "fuck you".

YES! I concur.
And personally I'd rather share my experiences "in case some pertain to you" than tell you what to do because I am experienced and therefore "I know"....

Sure I know what worked FOR ME-but that doesn't mean it will work for anyone else! :eek:

MonoVCPHG 04-20-2010 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 27152)
1. Is there a tendency towards Newbies thinking that veterans should be more capable of over coming some of the major poly issues such as jealousy... etc.?
and
?


I do think that people with more experience will have a more "eyes wide open" approach. Skills will be learned and pitfalls considered before they become issues, not all the time of course. I would take a look at the development of your and Derby's relationship as an example....a very positive example :)

I think you have both been extremely mature and clear headed which I personnaly feel is creating a great foundation to explore further.

Derbylicious 04-21-2010 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 27165)
I do think that people with more experience will have a more "eyes wide open" approach. Skills will be learned and pitfalls considered before they become issues, not all the time of course. I would take a look at the development of your and Derby's relationship as an example....a very positive example :)

I think you have both been extremely mature and clear headed which I personnaly feel is creating a great foundation to explore further.

Did I just earn veteran stripes? :D So much for mature LOL.

But I feel the same way about people calling themselves leaders. I think it's something that has to be earned and recognized by others. And just because something has worked for you (the leader) doesn't mean that it's going to work the same way for anyone else.

I do think that newbies do expect a more rational approach from those who have been in pervious poly relationships. For the most part they probably aren't wrong to expect it. It's like rasing kids, with the first one every stage is new and you always feel a bit lost. With any children after the first you have an idea of what's going to come next. It might not be any easier but at least you have some tools to try out.

-Derby

redpepper 04-21-2010 11:03 PM

my friend suggested "experienced model" when referring to veteran poly folk... I like this term better I think. Experience doesn't mean "all knowing."

It's when people take on the roll of leader of a community without realizing that community expands far beyond their realm that has me concerned. I read on line and watch what happens and see holistically how it can be narrow minded and dangerous to assume one is a leader or in some kind of control. As it is with anything in life... When I am thinking I have my ducks in a row, chances are that is when my ducks are not in a row and I have forgotten something valid and important.

Not that I don't enjoy peoples thoughts and organization of events etc. I have organized my own events, like the one that I am organizing this summer with a friend of mine to go camping. I struggle with being looked to in organizing and being put higher up on some weird poly pedestal for doing so. I am just someone who likes to organize and hopes people like to come to what I organize.

I used to organize a monthly play date for my boy when I finished my maternity leave as I wanted to stay in touch with the mums I met. I enjoyed it and it served a purpose. I don't want to fall into the same rut of being looked to for that kind of thing as I was then and got burnt out. I see that happening with everything I join and for some reason people like to make leaders out of organizers. That is simply my roll in a group. Nothing more nothing less. I attach no control, even though I seem to be handed it on a platter. It seems that some people like to attach control to leadership rolls and that makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable. Especially when that is directed towards me... unfortunately I seem to be handed this task of separating myself from that often. Especially at work. I like to be where the people are, not in some managerial position that holds expectations. The only time I like control is when I am in my Mistress role ;)

I guess this is where I also struggle because I have experiences with poly as an "experienced model" that others don't and that also puts me in a position of becoming something I don't want....

I am talking about this and have actually come to a place I think that I am not looked on that way. I think it has come with a price though.... as I don't feel like I am now part of my community here as much as I did. All my own doing, but I am just now finding the balance between belonging and not allowing myself to fall into doing more than I am willing. Always a balance always something to work on...

maca 04-22-2010 01:44 AM

Quote:

I used to organize a monthly play date for my boy when I finished my maternity leave as I wanted to stay in touch with the mums I met. I enjoyed it and it served a purpose. I don't want to fall into the same rut of being looked to for that kind of thing as I was then and got burnt out. I see that happening with everything I join and for some reason people like to make leaders out of organizers. That is simply my roll in a group. Nothing more nothing less. I attach no control, even though I seem to be handed it on a platter. It seems that some people like to attach control to leadership rolls and that makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable. Especially when that is directed towards me... unfortunately I seem to be handed this task of separating myself from that often. Especially at work. I like to be where the people are, not in some managerial position that holds expectations. The only time I like control is when I am in my Mistress role ;)

Dam I was going to say it sounds like you need a DOM:eek: But you killed that response ;)


I can tell you that experience does NOT make dealing with relationship and personnal issues EASIER but as my Beautiful wifey said practice will make it easier to control yourself from doing stupid shit.

As for "leader" Im a control freak therefore I dont give people leadership status easy or often, but if they "EARN IT" then Ill give it. Time in a situation does not make you a leader. I like the " experienced model " term though.


Peace and Love
Maca

McGroover 04-22-2010 04:38 AM

I'm the new friend
 
I'm the new friend redpepper referred to, who did the discussion panel on this topic at the Sharma Center in Seattle about a year ago. Hi everybody.
Thank you, redpepper, for calling me over here.
The term I suggested instead of "leader" was "Experience Model," rather than "Experienced Model," which to me sounds too much like a reference to wear and tear than to purpose. My piece of sod PT Cruiser is an experienced model. lol.
My point was that your experiences may serve as a model for ones of my own that I may wish to give shape to. Everyone may serve equally in this respect, regardless of poly tenure.

redpepper 04-22-2010 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McGroover (Post 27255)
My piece of sod PT Cruiser is an experienced model. lol.

Hahaha.... that's awesome..:p

Yes that becomes a whole new thing altogether.


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