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-   -   new and looking for help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25955)

joshua95602 07-25-2012 10:13 PM

new and looking for help
Ok here go I'm 28 divorced guy after an 8 year marriage I have full custody of my 8 year old son.
I'm currently with my girlfriend of a little over a year now, I've been in mono relations my entire life but always wanted something more. so about two months ago I began to catch up with an old female friend who I held attraction to but never sought to be more, but after talking with her I began to feel emotions for her she expressed she felt the same way about me. so I turn to my girlfriend and begin to tell her about what's going on and how I feel about the two. but my girlfriend and other friend are both mono types and don't fully understand how I feel or why I feel compelled to be with two partners. both make me happy I love them both. but my girlfriend does not understand how I can love two woman at once and not love one more than the other. She is scared that I may begin to feel more for the second girl rather than her I try to tell her it won't happen or I try to tell her my love will never change rather grow stronger but she looks scared and confused. I've never been in a situation like this before and don't know how to go about this. I'm trying to be very open about how I feel and what I want I hide nothing from my girlfriend and my close friend. I hope I can make this work I don't want to loose either girl I would actually in time would like to have them both in a family environment with the three of us and my son.

CielDuMatin 07-25-2012 10:31 PM

Being open is a great start!

if they are interested, find some good "Polyamory 1021" type articles and recommend they read them. That way they will see that this isn't just you being strange, but that there are a ton of other people out here who feel the same way.

cowgirlontherocks 07-26-2012 03:37 AM

Im having the the same discussion with my husband just this evening. He's so afraid that I will have a stronger emotional bond with the other individual we choose. Ive tried to reasure him that that wont happen but he needs time and education, as I do.
I think the more information that we can obtain and include our partners the better off we will be.

kdt26417 07-26-2012 08:16 PM

Greetings Joshua,
Welcome to our forum.

Try introducing your girlfriend (and close friend) to http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html ... It may answer some of their questions, calm some of their initial fears, and make polyamory seem a little less scary and alien.

Also on this site try: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26 ... which may give you some more helpful intro info.

Your ultimate dream of having both of these women in a family with you is a good dream; just don't become so attached to it that it will break you apart if it doesn't come to pass. Some people are just not cut out for polyamory (even if they can accept it in others).

Hopefully people can help you here in this website.
Kevin T.

joshua95602 07-27-2012 06:18 PM

Well I think I'm making progress its slow but it sucks as I watch my girlfriend stress and question how I feel for her. I don't know what I can do to relieve her stress over the situation. should I back away from the idea and hide how I feel for her and my friend? But I want to stay open and not hide anything from her. I'm confused and so is she I'm stuck on the idea of love with 2 partners and ask myself if it would be fair to her I just don't want to see her hurting and me thinking being greedy wanting more love with 2 people. anyone have advice on this I'm confused and question myself on the poly idea it feels right to me but I don't understand why. and I can't explain it to her to help her understand. I don't want to loose my girlfriend.

kdt26417 07-27-2012 07:55 PM


"Should I back away from the idea and hide how I feel for her and my friend?"
No, but, have a care about gushing too much about your friend. That kind of thing can be traumatic for a monogamous partner. Put the lion's share of your effort into reassuring your girlfriend that you are still devoted to her, and that you aren't going anywhere. Try to emphathize with her. This is a difficult change for her to go through.


"I don't want to loose my girlfriend."
This is the main thing to be stressing to her at this time. You are ready for the idea of polyamory, but she may need some time to catch up.

joshua95602 07-27-2012 09:59 PM

I see her stressing and I know what it is she is thinking about but she refuses to talk about what's going on so ofcourse I feel the need to say what's going on I tell her that everything will be ok I'm not leaving nor do I have plan to leave I love her.

Before me and my girlfriend got together she had friends with benefits when me and her first hooked up. I struggled with the idea that she had a multitude of partners. then she came to the idea that I was enough. now I guess I feel like I'm asking for the same thing but I feel my situation is out of love not purely sexual.

kdt26417 07-27-2012 11:37 PM

Well I don't see anything wrong with that; just take some time, and give her a chance to get used to it. Use the time to do more studying about poly for your own benefit, finding out what it's all about, and what has/hasn't worked in the past.

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