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TornAndCofussed 07-25-2012 08:23 PM

First time posting
Hello everyone, I have been looking at this site for quite some time now, maybe 2 yrs, and desided to join. Excuse me for I will have MANY typos, sorry just look at the name LOL!

Anyway, I have been married for 23 years out of 29 years together with my DH, and while I love my husband,(D) I have been in love with someone else for over 20 years also. In the begining I was just fucking around with J for about 5yrs, and we parted ways. I never stopped thinking of him, and occationaly looked for him. Well about 2 yrs ago I found him online and living in Fl. so I called and sure enough it was him, and a flood gate opened, I felt like the Grinch, I could actually feel my heart, like it was growing bigger in my chest.
So, my DH knew about J as a friend, but yes I was hiding it, and lying to him about J, but as of this Jan. I opened up and told D the truth. Hardcore Truth, about the affair, and my feelings for J, and how I found him again, and was talking to him thru emails, and phone calls.
J did call in 2001 for a small chat, and when he found out I had a child is when he fell of the face of the planet. Now when I found him this time, the first thing he said to me in an email was " I will NOT be a homewrecker". Well after telling my husband the truth, it did not wreck our marriage, and made us stronger than ever before, But 6 months went by before we talked about it again, and I had to tell D that, my feeling for J are not going away, it hurt him of coarse, but the older I get, I feel like time is slipping away from me, and it makes me sad that I may never see J again.
Now at the end of May I desided to tell J that I opened up to my husband, and it sent him into hiding. He will not return my calls or emails, and it is killing me that I have not told either of them about wanting to be open. Hard to tell J when I can't reach him :mad: and don't even know if I should bring it up to D if I can't find out how J feels. I know this may sound stupid, but I don't want this if its not with J. I have had LOTS of oppertunities to have affairs, but if it wasn't J, it wasn't worth it. Even after 15yrs. I am so fricking torn, I could use some advise please. I know I will probably get lot of ill comments for not comming all the way clean yet, but I need help as how to do this.
Thanks for listening, and any advise that comes my way.

CielDuMatin 07-25-2012 10:07 PM

Well, forget J for the moment - he's disappeared and may or may not reappear. I think that you and your husband need to mend the trust between you - you need to 100% come clean with him. Be honest about what happened, and how you feel. That may cause some upset, and you need to let that settle.

Then you may want to talk with him about what could happen is J ever shows up again - what sorts of things would he feel comfortable with, and what would be completely out of bounds. That may take a while, and lots of talking, but you should eventually reach a common understanding.

Then, if and when J ever shows up in your life again, you can go forward in the knowledge that you and your husband have made an agreement.

Now, as to what may be going on in J's head - that's a whole different story, but I don't think that is something you should be needing to worry about for now.

TornAndCofussed 07-25-2012 11:47 PM

Thank you for your reply Ciel, and I have come 100% clean to my husband back in Jan. Actualy, we are at a very good place, and have been since I told him. Mostly because he knew there was "something" there throughout our entire marriage, he just didn't know what it was, and now he does.
D and I have been together for almost 30yrs, so we know each other pretty well I wouild say, thats why I knew it would be ok when I told him about J. Yes it did hurt him, or as he put it " the affair I can deal with, it's knowing you love him that hurts". I hated doing that to D, but I have had a LONG history with depression, and I know NOT being true to myself was one of the main proublems, hiding and lying for years fineally wore me out, and it wasn't fair to D either.
My proublem is how do I come clean about wanting to open my marriage to either one of them? The way I feel right now is, if J would talk to me, and he doesn't want any part of something like that, I could move on. But if I talk to D first, then find out J wants no part of that, I have caused more hurt for D. He loves me very much, and despite his beliefs, he might say ok for me, even if it kills him inside. He knows my love for him will NEVER go away. EVER. He just wants me to be happy. Don't know how to tell him I think this could be the answere.

snowmelt 07-26-2012 12:42 AM

I agree with CielDuMatin. I'll just add one thing. J seems like a very unstable person. It seems to me he will add instability to your life. Do you want that?

Romantic attraction can have a powerful pull on some people. You know what its like to be with someone for decades. You know the intense romantic feelings diminish over time. The unstable behavior J will bring into your life will be in your life to stay as long as he does.

Do you really want that?

kdt26417 07-26-2012 07:36 PM

Hi T&C,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like J has cut off contact for the time-being. There's not much you can do about that.

Re (from TornAndCofussed, Post #3):

"But if I talk to D first, then find out J wants no part of that, I have caused more hurt for D."
In the short term, perhaps. But in the long run, you have established a precedent that you will tell the truth to D, and that he can depend on you to tell the truth. That's worth a great deal in any relationship. Don't be afraid of it. D will appreciate that too, after he gets past the initial "owie" phase.

Just tell D you have feelings for J (if he doesn't already know that). Assure D that you still want to stay with D, 100%. Remember that love is not a limited resource.

How can we help?
Glad to have you here,
Kevin T.

TornAndCofussed 07-26-2012 08:40 PM

Thank you Kevin, like I said before, I have been going thru this forum for a long time, reading and learning, but I have to say whenever I read your post, most of the time if not all the time, you have a way of making people feel better about their situation. I will take every word to heart.
To Snow, I am starting to think maybe I am the unstable one, this has been driving me crazy for a while now, and this is all new to me. I don't know how D will take this once I tell him. J & D both know each other thru me, and have always liked each other too, until now, D not so much anymore. But now that I opened up to both of them, a whole new scary world has opened up on me since I have been hiding it for so long. My life (only in my head) is like a tornado of emotions.
I have told D that my feelings for J are not going away, (not in a mean way) and I know it hurts to hear that but I feel like I need to be honest, Sometimes even when I know he doesn't want to hear it. URGGGGGG!
I guess being honest is what is so new to me, and I am not very comfortable with it yet

kdt26417 07-26-2012 08:58 PM

I'm sure it will get easier in time. Just hang in there with it.

snowmelt 07-27-2012 01:19 AM


Originally Posted by TornAndCofussed (Post 145520)
I guess being honest is what is so new to me, and I am not very comfortable with it yet

That sounds very honest. Sounds like you're taking the time to acknowledge yourself, and get to know yourself better. That's a very good thing. It takes courage to be honest. The same kind of courage it takes to be happy. I applaud your courage.

Most people have uncomfortable feelings from time to time. Remember, instability/stability is all about what you do when you have uncomfortable feelings. If you're feeling fear, for example, and you make a decision or do something in reaction to that fear, that action will most likely create more instability in your life. If you take no action when you're afraid, or consider any action very carefully before you do it, that means you are stable. Just because your afraid of something doesn't by itself mean you're unstable.

Mature, level headed, stable people feel fear and other uncomfortable emotions from time to time. The fact that they don't let those feelings make their decisions for them is what makes them mature, level headed and stable. If you're able to admit that being honest with yourself is uncomfortable, you're in the process of turning your steering wheel toward stable. I applaud you.

By the way, if the guy your interested in is unstable, and you become more stable than he is, I'd be willing to bet you'll lose your interest in him. You'll be much more interested in stable people. Wouldn't it be more fun to enjoy the people you have relationships with, rather than wonder about them?

TornAndCofussed 02-21-2013 07:00 PM

Well hello again, It has been a while since I posted any up dates mainly from feeling ashamed of myself for STILL not having "the talk" with either D or J.

BTW since my last post I found out there was a whole "miscommunication" issue since I talked to J last, he was not in hiding, but upset with me over an email he thought I sent to a friend of his, and I never sent any such thing, and for someone to put words in my mouth just sends me to a whole new level of anger. Besides the fact that someone is trying to get in the middle of this. NO. NOT THIS. Although I do have to give them the benefit of the doubt, since I am sure they were just looking out for their friend.

Back to why I am here, I spoke with hubby again last month about J, and how this isn’t going away like before, it has become more of an obsession than ever. I am constantly fighting the feeling like I'm a bad person. D knows I still love J, and it makes him terribly sad to hear this, so it makes me sad to know I’ve done this to him. I feel like if I keep bringing up the problems I deal with (in my head and in my heart), it will push D to the point of just saying fuck it. I know how he is about us having a mono marriage, he would rather me cheat on him, (and that way he doesn't have to know first hand) than for him to know and fight the real thoughts in his head.

I really hate that I haven’t expressed my feelings about poly to him yet, mainly I feel like he will not understand, and think I just want permission to fuck around while I am married. How can I bring up the subject to someone who has never even heard of it, this to D will be just another "WTF are you doing now" thing.
Any advise on how to start, because these fellings are not going away.
Thank you for listening

kdt26417 02-21-2013 08:18 PM

As far as talking to D about poly is concerned, there's a post about it from Ppercs at:


Poly is in the news all the time. You can find updates at:


Other helpful sources of information are:

"Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino
Franklin Veaux's poly pages

And there is a lot to read right here on Polyamory.com (e.g. the Golden Nuggets board). Somewhere amongst all this reading material, you might find something that would help you introduce the topic of poly with D.

You should ask D where his sadness is coming from, although I suspect it's because he figures that if you love J, then you must not love D as much. Love is not a finite resource, but somehow D must come to his own epiphany about that.

Hope some of this helps.
Kevin T.

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