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-   -   New to polyamory; root of a V relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2595)

inlovewith2 04-20-2010 12:59 PM

New to polyamory; root of a V relationship
 
Hi all,

I'm happy to have found this forum. First a little about me: I am married to an absolutely amazing man and have 3 children from this primary relationship. If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have said that I would *never* be unfaithful to my husband and thought being in love with more than one person was not possible. Oh how long ago that seems!

I met my boyfriend R under some very stressful, even oppressive and probably unlikely circumstances. I was drawn to him right away. He was there for me in a way that my husband could not be. We began a sexual relationship shortly thereafter. My husband found out within a couple of weeks and though devastated, was accepting of R and I remaining friends. Through individual and group counseling, and the irony of his best friend entering a polyamorous relationship with his boyfriend, my husband consented to R and I resuming our intimate relationship. I did not pressure him for this, only admitted that it would be my preference to be with both of them and that I still love R.

He initially was somewhat excited about finding someone else to date who didn't have the abuse history that I have (which has understandably created some major challenges for both of us), but has been striking out. Looking back, he doesn't have much dating experience and it was me who pursued him. He joined a poly forum (and maybe even this one, I'm not sure) and is really trying to work this out. Otherwise, he doesn't really know how to meet someone.

Neither he nor my boyfriend are comfortable getting together at this point. My boyfriend may never be as he social anxiety to begin with. Another V poly group told my dh that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship. I tried to reassure him that we get to define our comfort zones and that we don't know what the future holds.

Admittedly, I feel selfish. I have been in love with my husband for 18 years--he means the world to me. But so does R. He understands me in a way that A never can and he's an amazing man. A is feeling very discouraged at this point and I'm afraid that he will pull the plug on my relationship with R.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and recommendations. I frequently reassure A how much I love him and he totally gets how different people have different things to offer, but he's understandably confused.

What do people think about what I've said about us defining for ourselves? Please be gentle--this has been a difficult time for all of us.

In appreciation....

inlovewith2 04-23-2010 03:13 AM

Hoping for replies this time...What am I doing wrong? Posting to the forum?
 
So, first of all, to be fair, though treated, I'm still struggling with a great deal of depression and anxiety, but I can't help but wonder why I got no replies to my OP (something like new to this forum, root of a V relationship). My husband and my bf are so incredibly important to me, and I need help making this work. My husband is incredible--he is in FL taking care of his parents who both just had surgery and knew I was having a lot of trouble dealing with the difficult news about his Dad and *he* called my bf and asked him to come and be with me.

Previously, he had been told that we weren't polyamorous b/c he and R didn't have a relationship. Truthfully, that may never really develop, but I do think that they both very much appreciate the role the other plays in my life. I'm not going to push them to step outside their comfort zone just b/c of how someone defines what "counts" as a poly relationship. Sorry, I sound defensive; there's tons more to the story including flying accusations from my dear mother that I'm cheating on my dh behind his back when in fact he has consented to us having a sexual relationship.

I just want him to be truly happy with this arrangement too and feel really lost in it all. I shouldn't complain--I have two fantastic men who love me, but being the root has its challenges as well. :confused:

I really hope someone replies....

MonoVCPHG 04-23-2010 04:14 AM

Sounds like you have a healthy relationship...who cares what anyone thinks. Live it!! Please just live it and not worry about what anyone online says. Why waste energy that you could spend loving your men :).

Breathesgirl 04-23-2010 09:17 AM

Your husband called your boyfriend to stay with you while he was away. Sounds like things are working just fine to me :)

EugenePoet 04-23-2010 04:15 PM

Yes, what MonoVCPHG and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing -- it's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.

For instance, I don't hang out much with my GF's husband. I've met him and like him, we just move on different planes. And she did things sometimes socially with one of his past GFs, but not with the current one. C'est l'poly.

Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I mean, BIG kudos! I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)

It sounds like you are the socially skilled one in the vee. That puts you in a position not only of receiving a lot from two men, but of being able to provide a lot -- and with that ability comes possible responsibility. If you want them to relate more to each other then it may be that you are going to have to be both the glue the sticks them together and the oil that minimizes their friction.

Possibilities, responsibilities.

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly the whole structure is more stable.

We often fear what we don't know, and if your husband doesn't know R then he may fear his influence on you. Also, we tend to make guesses about people when we don't have full information, and that can lead to real misunderstandings -- your husband may guess that R is one way, and start acting on that assumption, when in fact R is not that way at all.

So it will probably work better if they can be at least casually friendly. They don't have to go out drinking every Friday, you can just have a 3-person dinner every now and then. Talk together. Talk is good. But you may have to be the one to arrange and mediate. Good luck!

On your husband finding a girlfriend: Tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.

You know, there's the famous metaphor about time being like a river: you can never step into the same water twice, because the water is always flowing past you and away. The Argentine author Jorge Luis Borges turned that around: he said we are like the river, we are always flowing and changing. And that's the way relationships are too.

So it will change. We can't always control or even foresee the changes. But thinking of it as a static thing which must be accepted or rejected because it has one fixed shape is probably a mistake. It does not have a fixed shape. It changes.

redpepper 04-23-2010 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inlovewith2 (Post 27117)
Admittedly, I feel selfish. I have been in love with my husband for 18 years--he means the world to me. But so does R. He understands me in a way that A never can and he's an amazing man. A is feeling very discouraged at this point and I'm afraid that he will pull the plug on my relationship with R.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and recommendations. I frequently reassure A how much I love him and he totally gets how different people have different things to offer, but he's understandably confused.

hi there, I think that you are doing all you can do really. You sound like you are all on the right track.

I remember telling nerdist a million times a day I loved him at the beginning of my relationship with Mono. It helped greatly in time. I did extra things to show him how much I cared for him and our family. It was reassuring for him. I did anything I could think of to show him I love him and still do. He does the same in return now and it has made our love blossom in all sorts of ways.

Breathesgirl 04-24-2010 02:37 AM

Quote:

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly the whole structure is more stable.
I have experienced this. My boyfriend of five years had a relationship with someone whom I just could not like, could barely tolerate. We had a lot in common but commonalities don't make a relationship all on their own, their has to be attraction on some level as well.

On the flip side he also had a relationship with someone I liked very much. We didn't have as much in common but there was the attraction there that couldn't be ignored.

He's currently interested in a co-worker and they're experimenting to see where things will go, or if they will.

Breathes (live in boyfriend) & my Possibility know each other and like each other &, in fact, are out right now playing D & D together as I write this.

Liking your significant other's oso really makes things run more smoothly. It's possible to have other relationships without having your partners get along but it sure does complicate things immeasurably!

LovingRadiance 04-24-2010 11:46 PM

I can't believe someone SAID that to your husband. How RUDE! ! ! !

Your relationship is built by...
...
wait for it...
...
...
YOU and the people IN IT.

That's it.

I'm in a V. Started with me having an affair. Much messier than you describe your situation.
We all live together. They aren't FRIENDS. They obviously KNOW each other-we live together. They are trying to build a friendship.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean specifically about your men not getting together, whether you mean literally standing in the same room or if you mean sexually.

Just in case you mean sexually I wanted to let you know that A TRIAD is where all 3 partners would be sexual with one another, a V isn't like that.

EITHER WAY-don't let what others say bother you.

FYI on this forum, it's COMMON to get a few days when none of the regulars has time to write-and so answers are sparse.
Also-tehre is more activity on the "general" forum than the new to poly one some days. Just look around! ;)

AutumnalTone 04-25-2010 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inlovewith2 (Post 27117)
Hi all,
Another V poly group told my dh that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship.

I have to say that is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. If you've built a vee, then you have a poly relationship structure. Whether the ends of the vee hang out with each other has nothing to do with that.

I'll offer that you should be wary of any information those folks try to give you in the future.

MonoVCPHG 04-25-2010 04:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inlovewith2 (Post 27117)
Another V poly group told my dh that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship. I tried to reassure him that we get to define our comfort zones and that we don't know what the future holds.

I would love to have a chat with who ever let that shit fall from their lips :mad:
This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.


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