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-   -   What if it all feels suddenly very not good? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25943)

viviana 07-25-2012 11:49 AM

What if it all feels suddenly very not good?
I hate being one of those people who only posts in forums like this when I have a problem and want advice, but this is my first post, and I need advice.

I'm in a complicated situation at the moment, and events over the weekend have left me feeling very raw and upset, and I'm finding it difficult to figure out why. First the background situation. I have a g/f (lets call her P) and a male partner (we'll call him B), who up until friday morning were together, but didn't have a sexual relationship. Friday morning, P, B and I were all in bed together, and ended up having a 3sum. There have been a lot of occasions when P has watched B and I having sex, she really enjoys it, but on friday she wanted to join in. We all had a lot of fun, and it was wonderful to take our relationship to this level.

P has always enjoyed open relationships, and because she didn't have a sexual relationship with B, he was happy for her to have sex with other guys, but he doesn't want to know about it. I did have a sexual relationship with him, and he was not happy for me to have sex with other guys.

P went away this weekend, and I knew there was a good chance she would hook up with someone while she was away, and I was happy about that. She got back, and I asked her for the details, and we had some utterly mind-blowing sex. The three of us all rode the glow of it until yesterday evening, when I had to come home and get on with work.

I had a minor wobble monday evening/tues morning, but after talking with P, I felt fine again, and genuinely happy she had had a good time, and had brought that energy home with her, and we had reconnected. However, I went to bed last night and suddenly got hit by the hugest wave of emotions, and was up until about 3:30am this morning just sobbing. I know there's a lot of things going on in my head at the moment, but I dont know where to start with working them out.

There are things she shared with the guy she hooked up with over the weekend, that I know I can't share with her - and that hurts.

I guess in my head I had prepared for her to have sex with someone else, but I hadn't prepared for her to spend the whole weekend with him. She loves the snuggles and pillow chat as much as the sex, and I'm jealous of that intimacy she shared with him.

I'm pissed off that she can have what I so much want.

There's a lot more going on, i think as well, but if i was to go into it all in great detail, I'd ramble on for pages, and end up sitting here sobbing again, and being no use to anyone! My main shock is that the negative feelings suddenly hit me so hard and so out of the blue, when up until that point, I was cool with it all.

I guess my real question is - is this ok? Have other people had this sudden hit of negative emotion in a way that they weren't expecting?

sparklepop 07-25-2012 12:28 PM

Hi :)

Firstly, that sounds very normal to me. I felt for a long time, that being poly meant having no bad feelings about things. It was through this forum that I realised... emotions are what they are... and we don't have to be robots.

For me, at least, it seems that emotions are particularly strong when we face any kind of new situation.

Some people also feel emotion more strongly than others.. i.e. crying.. whilst some people only have minor twinges.

Now, why is it that you can't experience intimacy with her? Are you in a primary relationship with B and are only supposed to see P sexually?

How about this thing where you can't sleep with other men? Are you happy with that arrangement?

I think that emotions are complex things. It seems that you are feeling a little bit of insecurity and a little bit of envy.

The problem with envy is that is can breed resentment. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling it... but you have to try to address why you're feeling it. When nobody but yourself is standing in your way, then it's just envy. If someone else is preventing you from having something, envy can turn into resentment towards that person.

I do also feel that emotions can hit us at unexpected moments. A few months ago, my girlfriend and I went to an event and ended up playing around with a girl together. It was only kissing and touching, no sex. It was fantastic at the time. Hours later, when I went to bed on my own, I had these strange pangs of sadness. It really disappointed me that I was having them. But I worked them out in my head and basically, I was just missing a connection with my GF, because we'd hardly paid each other any attention all night. I felt a little guilty.

Usually, we can pick apart emotions and this helps us to deal with them. Other times, we know what they are, and just have to ride them out.

Either way... what you are describing sounds perfectly normal... and I'd love to hear more information if you would like to share. :)

viviana 07-25-2012 12:42 PM

Thanks for your reply Sparklepop, it's reassuring that I'm not in a situation that's very unusual!

I think that the fact it's a new situation is definately a big factor. She's had sex outside our relationship once before this (and this wasn't discussed/agreed upon beforehand) and has fooled around with a couple of friends a few times, but this is the first time that she's had sex with someone else, spent the weekend with them, and the first time i've wanted to hear all the details. I'm torn about wanting to know the details of future encounters - I love to hear what she's been up to, and when she's all happy and glowy like that, she wants to share!

I'm not sure i explained myself right about the intimacy.... P is my primary partner, so we do have a lot of intimacy between us. I guess I feel more threatened by her sharing intimate moments with others than I do the sex. She gets something from them sexually that i'm not able to give (the logic in my brain says), but she can get intimacy from me, so why would she want it with someone else? I know it makes no sense, and even just sharing on this forum here is helping me to realise what things I am feeling. Sometimes when we look closely, we realise how rediculous our feelings are.

I'm not sure how i feel about not being able to have sex with other men. I'm definately envious of the freedom P has, but I also understand the reason B feels that way, and he has said he is happy to slowly explore it (beginning with things like us going to a swingers club, so he can be involved). But to a certain extent, if i had that freedom, I know I would probably have to face up to my own insecurities/shortcomings - maybe it's nice to have B as the reason I dont do it, than knowing that it's something in me stopping me doing what i want.

It's good to know that this is normal and i'm not totally failing at poly/open relationships! Looking at it logically, I know i'm reacting so strongly at the moment because i have been neglecting my own need for other people - for friendship as much as anything else. I've realised that that is an issue, and I am taking steps to address that.

The more i type, the more issues it sounds like i have!! I've been putting a lot of work into my relationships, and my work recently, and I think i've been neglecting myself a bit, and having a lot of realisations of things that should have been obvious at the moment!!

sparklepop 07-25-2012 01:36 PM

It's ok to have issues :) and it's definitely ok to feel overwhelmed when you are exploring them.

Maybe it's me, but I find it fascinating to uncover the reasons behind why I feel certain things and why I act certain ways.

I liked what you said about the possibility of having B as an excuse for hiding from your insecurities about other men. I'd say just take things one step at a time and maybe tackle that issue once you're in a more secure place with the P situation.

I completely understand the difference between intimacy and sex and how that can make us feel when are partners are doing either with another.

My GF loves her husband and has an online partner whom she loves. Aside from that, I haven't yet had to deal with her falling in love with someone new. I've only just, after a year or so, got to a place where I'm pretty comfortable with her having sex with other people. In our relationship, we are polysexual. We do not even have overnight stays... and so far, we haven't really wanted them. I know that if one of us falls in love with someone else and starts to want weekends away with other people, that will be a new kind of struggle.

So I commend you for your bravery in dealing with it!

As long as you guys continue to communicate with each other and be gentle with each other, I'm sure that things will get easier over time. Hopefully P is sympathetic to your feelings, if you bring them up. And there's nothing wrong with bringing them up. It's a good thing.

If you are open to the idea of the two of you loving others, not just being sexual with them, then the fear of it will improve over time. Making sure that you and P set aside time to be 'relationshippy' should help you to feel important to her, and her to you.

That being said - if you only want to be polysexual and just have extra sexual partners, the fear will dissipate, but you do have to make sure you're both on the same page.

For example, I know I am capable of loving more than one person - I have done before. Currently, I do not want to be in love with anyone else but my SO. I have a complicated life and need to keep things simple ;) I don't hold hands with my other partner, we don't cuddle much, we don't do overnight stays... for us, this helps keep it in the FWB realm, which suits us both. If I started going away with her for weekends, my girlfriend would be understandably scared; because it's not the framework we've agreed on.

What framework have you and P agreed on? Just outside sex, or outside sex including love / extra primary partners?

GalaGirl 07-27-2012 08:50 PM

Mind blowing sex huh? Then an emotional blaaah time, that was buoyed by P, then another clunker on down?

Could it be subdrop? That's what flags to me.

The endorphins from the mindblowing sex experience leaving your system and leaving you sensitive and all blah. I know this article comes at it from the kinkyside of town and not the polyside, but the body hormone stuff of sex (of any flavor) is real. Body is body is body.

Know this, so you don't have a premature wigginz on your polypeeps. Thank them for the metasex soooo wonderful it puts you up and over the edge and gave you the mega sex hangover. :)

I don't often see it written from the "polydrop angle," so my apologies I could only find "kinkydrop angle" for you. In a rush here so... I leave you to google better.

But the neuroscience of sex and the hormone load is fascinating to me.


Dealing with Subdrop
As an aspect of aftercare, we should also note that a phenomenon known as subdrop often occurs after a good scene. This can occur quickly or may not appear until several days later. Subdrop is a state of depression and moodiness that often occurs after a heavy scene or where the submissive is away from their dominant for an extended period of time. It is the result of increased prolactin and cortisol levels. Aftercare isn't something done only immediately after a BDSM scene, it should be something the Top should do in follow up with the bottom for several days afterward. This should especially include phone calls to check on the bottom when personal contact can't be made.

For methods of countering the effect of subdrop, please visit Ten Ways to Fight Subdrop.

You can google others.


sparklepop 07-27-2012 09:59 PM

That's a good point GG!

Sub let down and top drop are recognised... I know that I experience top drop.

But perhaps there is a general sex drop too! Any surge of hormones and emotion is bound to have a come down.

Next time you have a threesome together, share a packet of salty crisps (I mean chips, if you're in America, haha)... and some chocolate!

GalaGirl 07-28-2012 01:36 AM


But perhaps there is a general sex drop too! Any surge of hormones and emotion is bound to have a come down.
I think there is no "perhaps" about it. I've had sexdrop in various contexts. If it cranks up to "mind blowing" level, I just expect a sex drop of some kind.

Still not the right article I wanted to share, but getting there.


Just read up on it. And again -- knowing this, you can recognize a "drop" and not have a premature wigginz on your polyship peeps just cuz you... well.... are basically sex drunked UP and sex DROPPED hangovered! :D


viviana 07-30-2012 06:56 PM


Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 145627)
Mind blowing sex huh? Then an emotional blaaah time, that was buoyed by P, then another clunker on down?

Could it be subdrop? That's what flags to me.

You know, now you've pointed this out, I feel kinda stupid.... BDSM and kinky stuff is a big part of my life, I know what subdrop is, but never thought my experience last week might be the same brain chemical type issues! You're right though that feeling that drop coming, and knowing what it is can definitely help out, and allow me to do what is needed to combat it.

P and I had a long, long talk Wednesday night about what we want out of things, and where we want the opening of our relationship to go, and we are on the same page. We'd both ideally like friends that we can have sex with when we feel like it, if we can share some of them, that would be great, but we don't have to.

I actually ended up meeting her "hookup" from last weekend on Saturday night, at a party, and we ended up getting along really well. Meeting him did put my mind a little more at rest - he treated me with respect as her primary partner (which i've figured out is something which is important to me - that others involved are aware that P and I are a couple, and that is not going to change), and P had a real "squee" moment when she saw me and him getting on so well.

I never expected this journey to be an easy one, and I am totally expecting more wobbles from both of us in the future, but we came through this one and it has made us feel closer together, and realise that we do have a lot of the skills we need to do this. If there are more wobbles, we will get through those as well - especially now i realise that i can treat them in a very similar way to subdrop!!

GalaGirl 07-30-2012 11:05 PM

Yay. Glad that perspective helped you then. :)

I suspect poly <---> bdsm crossovers happen like they do because it's the same-ish sometimes in vibe...

poly sometimes can feel like edge play of the heart and sometimes body.

bdsm certainly is body edgeplay and heart edge.

I have decided yet how the mind/soul buckets fit in there if people are made of mind, body, heart, and soul.

I'm working on that for myself. (I tinker in my head a lot -- that's my fav playground.)



NovemberRain 07-31-2012 05:48 AM

Thank you for that quote about aftercare. I really liked that. One of the sweetest moments I ever had was the first woman I ever had sex with, she called me the morning after. She knew it was my first time (it was the primary reason she wanted me), but she knew I would have issues at home. I was living with parents, and they had specifically asked me to not be out late that night, and I was; also, it was raining. We were under no illusions that we were forming a relationship. But she called, and said she was just checking on me, and wanted to be sure I was okay.

I wish more people thought like that, and took care to be kind in that way. It would make the whole world better.

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