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-   -   Looking for friends (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25939)

Buhri 07-25-2012 04:48 AM

Looking for friends

I'm 22 years old, been with my first partner for 6 years, my best friend moved in with us recently and we all discovered we were in love and began a triad polyamorous relationship about a month ago.

The biggest issue in all our lives is figuring out how to come out.
I don't want to be secretive of our relationship and neither do my other two partners.

We like to joke that she's our unicorn. She kind of is.

Anyway, I'd love to hear about you and your relationship!

km34 07-26-2012 04:35 AM

Welcome! There are many versions of coming out all over the site, but you might try a tag search to help narrow it down a bit. If you start typing "coming out" into the box, the various tags like "coming out to family" and coming out as poly" will pop up and you can pick the one that seems most applicable.

Do you plan to come out to everyone (work, family, friends, etc) or just those you're closest to? I know many people have to keep their relationship status a bit hush hush because of careers and all that which can really complicate things when you're deciding who to tell and how to say it.

Good luck!

Buhri 07-26-2012 04:42 AM

Mostly we all just want a way to come out to family. Friends are easier since we all chose our friends they tend to be the kind of people who would be more understanding if not accepting.

I cannot come out at work because of my job (teacher) and they all know my male partner so we stick with my female partner is my best friend who lives with us.
We also all have families of varying religious backgrounds. My best friend could not tell hers without some serious prep.
My male partner chooses to not tell his family also because of their religious background.

kdt26417 07-26-2012 08:23 PM

Hi Buhri,

Just remember there's no law that says you have to come out to anyone. I am in an MFM poly-fi V, and we've chosen to mostly stay in the closet. We have one friend and two family members who know, people we can trust to not spread it around.

Every poly family is different, and everyone has a unique way of doing things that works for them.

To those you choose to tell, just keep it simple, and offer to answer any questions they may have.

I hope that some of this helps.
Kevin T.

Buhri 07-26-2012 11:17 PM

Hi Kevin,

I know we don't have to come out and our male partner has chosen not to come out to his family. My girlfriend and I are fine with that. But I want my family to know how happy I am, I want them to know I am loved and cared for.
My girlfriend also wants her mother to know this because she moved across the country from her and her mom worries.

I also want to come out because we are all roommates and there have been the comments of "Don't you worry about them cheating?" I usually just laugh and say "Not even a little." Omitting the fact that they have my full permission to get it on with and without me.

I mean our family could go for a long time without us telling anyone. Everyone who knows me knows my girlfriend is my best friend and I want her to live with me. They know my boyfriend is someone I love and want to marry. They also know I plan on carrying my girlfriend's child for her someday. We could have kids living with us and everything and still be in the closet, I just don't want to. I like being open.

kdt26417 07-27-2012 09:31 PM

Well I don't see anything bad there; you're just working it out in the best way for you (and your triad).

JaneQSmythe 07-28-2012 04:20 PM

First of all - Congratulations!

It's hard when you are so happy you want to shout it from the rooftops and that is not feasible...so feel free to crow and preen here, in this safe and anonymous forum.

Second of all - one of my first thoughts is that this polyship is still very, very new - just one month old. I am so very glad that so far things have worked out well but you all are likely still in the throes of NRE (New Relatonship Energy) - which is a time for exuberance and romance and lots of fun stuff, BUT it is also a time when we tend to see everything through rose-colored glasses, we assume that the people we care about (friends/family especially) will OF COURSE be just delighted with our new-found love, that OF COURSE we will always be together and live happily-ever-after, etc. (Not saying that these things may not come to pass...just that NRE tends to lend itself to optimism...)

In a polyship there are multiple relationships that need care and feeding to grow healthily (A+B+C, A+B, A+C, B+C - as well as each persons relationship with themself as they learn who they are within each of these relationship (GalaGirl has written some excellent posts here about "polymath"). You all may want to take this time before you are "out" to really be able to focus on all of these relationships without the added stress of having to deal with other people's (friends/family) possibly negative reactions.

It would, IMO, be a shame if the "coming out" process strained the beautiful thing that you are building at this early stage. Take time. Breathe. Let NRE run it's course. No need to make sweeping public declarations (even though you are BURSTING with joy). There is all the time in the world for that...later.


Due to my profession I will never be "out" publically while I am still working.

We are "out" to our friends - they all figured it out on their own within a few months. No sweeping statements - we've talked about it to various degrees when it came up in conversation or when they've had questions. (PS. nobody was particularly surprised - they've all known us for a very long time)

We are not "out" to our families - although some of them likely "know" already, no one is talking about it. We did recently disclose to all of our immediate families that Dude is now "officially" living with us for an indefinite period of time (he has been "unofficially" living with us for a year now). I'm guessing the rest will figure it out once he's been here 5-10 years :rolleyes:.

Just my (rather long) 2 cents.


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