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-   -   How long with a new relationship before adding a new partner? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25937)

IrisAwakened 07-25-2012 01:19 AM

How long with a new relationship before adding a new partner?
In your experience, how long do you wait in a new relationship before adding another partner? Is there a basic time, or does it depend on the relationship?

I am just curious as to what everyone else thinks about this, as it seems to have been up for interpretation in my own relationships. One guy found that 6 months was too early and another felt that 2.5 was long enough. I would hate to put an arbitrary time limit on something like that. So how do you deal with it?

GalaGirl 07-25-2012 02:54 AM

People I want to connect with are not on train schedules that are predictable.

So I just don't bother with that. I go from the gut. If my gut is feeling sparks, I offer a friendship and I'm content to leave it there.

It doesn't have to grow to romance level for me to enjoy it.

I have a low polysaturation point so I just don't like to seriously date more than 2 at the same time to avoid plunging me into emotional rollercoaster.


LovingRadiance 07-25-2012 03:28 AM

That really depends upon the relationship.

I can't even begin to estimate a guess.

I know personally, a person has already established friendship with myself and my partners and kids before I will consider dating them. But, as to how long I would be in a relationship before considering adding another.. I haven't a clue.

I guess, cause I've been in a relationship with my guys for so damn long.... :confused:

nycindie 07-25-2012 04:50 AM

I don't think there's really a set time frame to use as a standard, but one could ask themselves, "How much energy do I have to put into starting a new relationship now?"

When I first chose to pursue polyamory as an approach to relationships, I was newly separated. So, I thought that, since I was starting at "zero partners" and my goal was multiple partners, I should begin several relationships at the same time. I started dating a few people and I still think it's possible to start a few relationships at once. But in actuality, I had some issues in my life I didn't want to face, really, so having multiple romances was a much more exciting thing to focus on!

Things started fizzling out with my guys and all of a sudden I was at zero again. Then I met someone and dated others after I started to see him, but those other urgent issues in my life began demanding my attention, and I had to deal with it all, finally. Eventually, I felt much more prepared to pursue other relationships. And things seemed to move in that direction without too much effort.

So I believe that if it's the right time, you'll know it. I don't think there is a formula. I think it's more a question of how much can fit into one's life. Things will start happening and falling into place for an additional relationship to work itself into one's life exactly when it's time for things to start happening and falling into place.


Originally Posted by IrisAwakened (Post 145262)
So how do you deal with it?

Hmmm, what is the "it" in your sentence,"how do you deal with it?" Do you mean "how do you deal with starting new relationships?", "how do you deal with your partners starting new relationships?", or "how do you deal with your partners' reactions to your starting new relationships?"

IrisAwakened 07-25-2012 06:41 PM

Good questions NYC! I am wondering what I really meant by that too. Basically I am having issues currently with my new partner who is trying poly for the first time. We have been dating just 3 months now and a month ago he started courting another woman. I didn't feel like we were solid enough to jump into that, but i knew that wouldn't be fair to him. The situation is complicated bc his love interest isn't from this state, is only here until Oct and has a boyfriend already. She also isn't exactly supportive of him being poly, although she admittedly doesn't want to break us up. Like I said, it is complicated.

Right now I just want to learn from our mistakes, as I have made a similar one in the past that ended a relationship. I guess the only true answer is to communicate these fears and failures in the beginning of a relationship, with the understanding that NRE can wreak havoc on a current relationship, if left to its own devices. I am back in the dating field. My sitch with my bf still unknown. Today he mentioned that he might have to choose between us, and I really don't think that is fair. It hurts me to think that I mean so little to him. But I may be over reacting?

GalaGirl 07-26-2012 04:25 AM

Just goes to show how different we all are.

Me? Being with partner for 3 mos? I told then BF/now DH I intended to keep dating others. To me closing up at 3 mos in was premature. So... what did I care if he was courting others? So was I. That's why it is D A T I N G.


She also isn't exactly supportive of him being poly, although she admittedly doesn't want to break us up. Like I said, it is complicated.
Not really complicated to me. BF forks over the BF play book, and if she cannot hack playing there, she makes her choice. This one is not your bag. You steer clear other than stating your own wants, needs, limits for the polyship tiers it affects you on and you butt out and don't get into monkey in the middle on the tiers that aren't about YOU in your polyships polymath.


IrisAwakened 07-26-2012 11:48 AM

Thanks GG! You bring up some good points. I like that "BF forks over the BF play book, and if she cannot hack playing there, she makes her choice." That would be awesome if that is how it were. The issue here is that he is the one making a choice, based on what he thinks she might think. No actual communication is there to back this up. Its pretty ridiculous to me, but I am hanging in there, waiting for our date so I can communicate with him.

I guess the real issue is that i am dating someone who is open to poly, but not committed to being poly. Because then, it wouldn't be an issue. I feel like he is realizing how difficult being in a poly relationship can be. Also, how much more effort it takes to find people who are ok with that.

On the upside, I am talking with another guy who is already poly, and it is just great to find support in that manner. At this point I am pretty sure things will end between me and my bf, because I really don't want to be a part of his "choice" because I am pretty sure he will choose her. But again, I am going to communicate with him first and let this thing work itself to the appropriate end.

GalaGirl 08-01-2012 03:20 AM

How is it going?

You seem to have a clear head there.

BF not being firm in his own wants, needs, limits toward his OSO. Him being all namby pamby making it hard for YOU to work with him on the polyship tiers that DO affect you.

So since he's being all namby and not giving you clear communication or feedback, you get close to a point where you need to make YOUR choices and just not take his input on board then. He's not using this air time to know and state his wants and needs for them to be considered.

Hoping you are well.


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