Frustrated Poly Husband
My husband (hubs) and I have been married for 23 years, being open on and off since the beginning. Up until now, those periods were unsuccessful because I wasn't participating, just allowing him to seek sex in other places. For the past 9 months we've been open and poly. He had a gf, but they broke up. At about the same time, I met my wonderful boyfriend (bf) who is as happily married and poly as I am.... Perfect!
So, for the past 5 months I have been happy with hubs and bf. The problem is that hubs doesn't have a secondary partner. He hates being left alone when I go out with bf.
Hubs admits that if he had the committed secondary partner he craves that his loneliness wouldn't be an issue. He is so frustrated because he hasn't found a new girlfriend. I constantly have to hear about all of the really messed up women out there and how no one will ever want him. I'm so frustrated! I feel that hubs is so miserable because be doesn't have what I have with bf, which he desperately wants, that he wont find the woman he's looking for.
How do I get hubs to relax? He's never going to find the woman he's looking for being so unhappy with what he's got in his life right now, which is a good job, wonderful grown kids, great friends, a supportive poly community, and a fantastic wife!
I'm curious to see the responses to this, as I am in a similar situation as your husband...
I want them to have their time together, and we have even had some fun together as a threesome, but I have this other part of me that gets resentful and envious when they get their alone time, as I am having a very hard time finding a GF in the area -- this problem is greatly exacerbated by living in a very conservative area and holding a public job that requires quite a bit of discretion...
I go through my gamut of emotions and try to deal as best I can, and try not to burden the wife with it too much as she is too kind and sensitive to me and tries to sacrifice their time to keep me happy -- which does but also makes me unhappy because I know I am interfering in their time! AAAAAAAGGH!!
Emotions and feelings can be such a pain in the ass!!
You ask HIM, not here.
It is his responsibility to know his wants, needs, and limits. So pal, line em up here. What is it?
You state yours:
You both make possible solutions to try over the next month.
a) get counselor and talk more there
b) heart to heart with another friend, journal NOT WIFE place to dump brain. Give wife only cliff notes version not "processing" long pages of raw material.
c) post here online to air out
d) have lots of sex, physical labor, exercise, mental creative labor, soul prayer labor. Sometimes energy from one overfull bucket (heart bucket) can easily diffuse in another bucket and steam valve there. Like people wanting to make love after a death.
e) something else I did not think of.
Check back in at end of month to see how possible solutions went, where temperatures are at now.
GG is correct, it's his responsibility to define what he wants/needs and state it.
At the same time, I understand, as my husband has found himself in the same position too.
One of the things I see, is that he isn't willing to put in the time to meet PEOPLE (see, generally) every day and therefore, he doesn't happen upon opportunities to date as frequently.
When one is LOOKING FOR A DATE-they come off desperate. But, I have male friends who are simply social and are out all of the time FRIENDLY with the world-who have no issue finding a girlfriend-in fact can't stop women from WANTING to date them.
The biggest difference is that they are out in the world being social and friendly without expectations on a daily basis. Not-polite, SOCIAL and FRIENDLY. THey make friends and they keep in touch-and that leads to "I know someone you might like..." situations.
Interesting timing. Why did he or they break up? For 23 yrs he's had no trouble finding a date but now that you finally get in the game he's stuck.
Sounds like he's poly when he's seeing people and nots so poly when on the bench.
Ya...it's not healthy to do the...well if you go out on a date every Wed, I need to go out every Wed on a date or it's screwed up. My husband used to go bowling every Wed night, so my default date night with my boyfriend was Wed. Bowling is over so he keeps himself distracted if he doesn't want to be home alone feeling aimless. When I wasn't dating anybody and my husband had weekly or more dates, it was my job to keep myself busy with hobbies. Your husband perhaps needs to find a nice regular hobby that ideally you can coordinate your date nights with your bf on.
We do have a default "no more than 2 dates a week with somebody" that is open to negotiation if we get in a position where we want to see somebody more than that, but as it stands, we feel it's our job to make sure we aren't infringing on the others free time. It's a last resort to pull the "I'm bored and lonely so you shouldn't be having fun" card. If we let that be dependent on if the other was in a relationship or not, it wouldn't be that fair to the people we dated.
GalaGirl had a great answer, as did everyone else.
I hear you - there's only so much you can take. I also hear him - it can suck!
Envy is a vicious beast. It's a new one that I'm trying to slay. Jealousy and insecurity are taking a nap for a while ;)
My GF's husband gets extremely envious of her success with men. And God, he whines on about it. Every single time someone messages her, he makes some kind of 'yeah, but woe is me' comment. It drives us crazy. He lets his envy override absolutely every opportunity to express happiness for her. In fact, I don't think he ever says he's happy for her, until they argue about his envy.
Sympathy can wear thin.
I do understand how your husband feels.
I've been struggling lately, because I'm a Domme and am having problems finding a sub. I'm dating a girl who looked like she was interested in that, but has now professed to be completely vanilla.
I came home last night really deflated, down, frustrated, etc.
I woke up this morning and my girlfriend was in Domme Heaven. She'd been to see her new BDSM play partner. Then she went home and Dommed her husband. Then she got online and Dommed a guy online.
She was all buzzing with excitement and telling me all about it.
I was moping in Domme Drought City.. .and she was brandishing her whip all over the rooftops of Domme Delight City.
Out came the envy demon... I kept trying to kick him back in his mouldy little cage... but after an hour of hearing this excited Domme ramble, I had to say, "baby, I'm so glad you're happy, but given that you know how fed up I was feeling last night, can you have a little more tact and maybe leave me in peace instead of rubbing this cake in my face when I'm starving?" ;)
My point of this example is... has hubby always been the envious type? Is that in his wiring? Or is he going through a rough time, watching you be poly AND having to deal with being on the mono side of it for now?
I definitely think he needs another outlet.
I do believe that out of all the poly emotion demons, envy is the most pathetic little creature. Oh, I do hate him.
I will only acknowledge his existence if my girlfriend is really doing something unnecessary to prod at him.
So.. it's a two-fold thing. Do you think you ever, unwittingly, rub it in hubby's face? Even if you don't think so, could you ask him if he thinks you do? Could you set up an agreement whereby he promises to stop whining on, but tells you if you're doing something specific that really pinches those envy demons?
I think essentially... he can do nothing but try to sort himself out, hope to find another person and stop feeling so blue... and from your end, you can be as tactful and sympathetic as you can, to help him through this time.
Thank you all for the input. I'm going to find a time when he's calm and talk to him about another avenue to vent. I want to know what's going on with him and I'm his best friend, the person in whom he feels most comfortable confiding, but I can only take so much negativity. I know he's going to take that as rejection and that is going to make things worse. I guess all I can do is show him and tell him how much I love him
He has made clear that he does not want to jeopardize my relationship with bf...he really likes bf and knows that I am the happiest I've been in years having both of these wonderful men in my life.
Wow, this would irritate me to no end. Being envious of others is so exhausting for everyone. You could show him this thread, if he starts to mope even more after you talk to him. I personally hate having to walk on eggshells around my loved ones. If I were you, I would tell him (gently but firmly) that polyamory is not a race or a competition, and that he needs to put his big boy pants on and stop whining. It is quite common for there to be a period where one person in a poly couple does not have an additional partner while the other one does. I could understand it if he is still upset and mourning the end of his last relationship with the gf, but to be constantly complaining and always miserable because you have another love and he doesn't, sheesh, what sour grapes - it's like he's two and having a tantrum. I'd be saying "grow up already!"
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