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-   -   The Finances (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25930)

Lu2k155 07-24-2012 06:37 PM

The Finances
We are actively seeking a third or a small group of no more than 4.

My question is this:
How do you deal with the finances of things. I and my love are business owners, we want the group love to be a success. When you love someone, there are limits for the sake of the whole, but functioning as a group could this be considered offensive?
But where do you draw the line with finances or do you draw the line?
We both are generous people, could this be a thing for us to be taken advantage of? Got many questions.....................about that.

dkj4 07-24-2012 06:59 PM

Hi there,
I am currently in a TRIAD and all our finances are together but we all have different bills. We all hold are careers and one does the mortgage other does bills and the other does all fun and family entertainment. It all can work but u truly have to trust the person or persons and all have a schedule.. :D

LovingRadiance 07-24-2012 07:00 PM

I would say-to begin, finances are best kept separate.

However, there's no saying it must stay that way.

In our V, we all live together. They both work, I'm at home with the kids. They both have their paychecks auto-deposited to my account so I can manage the bills.

But, that requires a good deal of trust. I've known my bf for 19 years and my dh for 24 years. We've all lived together for 10 years and the finances became fully blended about 4 years ago...

CherryBlossomGirl 07-26-2012 08:41 PM

Do the things you want to do.
My husband and I are both business owners and are successful as well - we enjoy the finer things in life, and have the means to do so. We have been in situations where we pay for everything, and situations where we split. Generally I go with what feels right for the situation, and whom we are involved with.

When we were in a quad, we almost always split everything. They'd pay for their half of dinner, a getaway, a fun night out on the town, etc. Sometimes two of us would host the others, and then we'd pay for all of the food/drinks, but they'd often show up with dessert and a little present for having us over (they never hosted us, as they had rules about "play" happening in their house). I bought all of the safe sex gear that I wanted him to use (good quality condoms, lubes, etc), because that was a priority for me, but he sacrificed some days at work when he got a vasectomy so that he couldn't impregnate me.

When dating poly/single women on their own, it often depends on what we want to do. If we want to go to a pricier restaurant, but our girlfriend is a student, then we pay. We can always choose dates that she can afford if she wants to treat us to something - a picnic, beers, or ice cream. When we want to go to the symphony and stay at a nice hotel, we pay, but she's welcome to treat us to a bottle of wine, or pay for parking, etc. I might send her flowers, or deposit money in her bank account for lingerie shopping, etc, whereas she would make us a mixed CD, or cook dinner for us, or give us nice back rubs for a less expensive present.

Our current girlfriend is great with money and is financially stable, but we still have treated her to the first couple of dates, as we are dating/pursuing her and want to honour her. She wanted to pay for dinner the other night, but I could only bear to concede to have her pay for her half, because if I had known she was going to want to pay I would have been more conscientious about what I was ordering.

So all in all I think it comes down to: Who can afford what? Who wants to do what? I don't think it needs to be all that balanced with dating, but living together needs more of a negotiation/place for finding a balance that worked well for everyone, and didn't leave anyone feeling taken for granted. Perhaps if you're with someone who can't afford much, they could take over a larger portion of household responsibilities (grocery shopping, keeping house, etc) so that they're making a contribution that is different than financial. However, if you're in a position to support a lover who wants to live with you while they, say, go to school, I say do it! You'll be having a fabulous experience and getting to share your love with someone else, and if it's easy for you to provide financial support, then I say why not?!

Our last shared girlfriend that we lived with paid nominal rent (like $300 a month or something like that) to contribute to household expenses, and paid for 1/3 of the grocery bill. We took turns buying stuff like wine, or treats, but I was fine with that as she was a working professional. We didn't need a lot of money from her, so I didn't ask for much in terms of contributing. She did take over a bunch of the household chores though, which was really sweet of her, and appreciated as we're all so busy in our lives. Gave us more time to relax together, spend time with friends and family, etc.

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