Dying on the inside and out
I'm a coward. I'm courageous enough to admit that I'm a coward, but none-the-less I run when things get out of hand. Because of this, I have destroyed the lives of two beautiful people. Not once have I ever intended to hurt anyone. I have never laid a hand on any of my mates. I have taken physical harm before, but have never dealt it. What I have done is far worse. I lied.
I knew how I felt about marriage deep down inside since my senior year in high school. I knew I was bi-sexual and polyamorous but I never spoke much about either. I had one friend that I told about my homosexual side. He never told anyone, ever. Talk about a true friend. I was however, involved with a few different girls.
I didn't sleep with any of them, but I did take them on dates, and there was quite a bit of making out. I tried a few times to converse about the idea of love not being exclusive and most of them would laugh off the topic. Everyone thought I was crazy for suggesting such a thing. There was one girl that entertained the idea. I've long since lost contact with her. There was another girl who would be a better starting point. Her name is Laura.
I fell in love with her around the age of 13. Of course, at that age it's hard to say anything absolute about yourself, especially at long distance. It was around 17 when things started flickering. She fell in love with another guy and she even told me. She didn't know what to do so she just stopped talking to me all together. That was rather devastating for me. We did pick back up nearly a year later and started talking. She told me how it's possible to love more than one person but that you have to pick only one.
Needless to say, the conditioning of my brain my entire life has been traumatic at minimum. I had a super religious father whom I loved dearly and could never tell about anything above personal. I had an emotionally disturbed and abusive mother. She would never stand for anything I said about anything. My music and art has been nothing but irritating to her. I kept a lot bottled in me for years, even now. I screwed up early, and now I don't know if I can fix anything.
I met Jill close to the end of high school. I started spending more time with her than anyone else. We did a lot together. It was with her that I had my first truly intimate intercourse with. I'm not ashamed to admit that it was awesome. I've fooled around with a few different people, but prior to her I only had intercourse with one other person. And that first person was not meant to be.
...Forgive me if I seem crude, but the honesty feels pretty damn good.
I was selective about sex. A lot of people think I just want to sleep with everyone. Honestly, the thought turns me on, but I'm not like that. I got really close to Jill. I started ignoring other people, and then she got pregnant. She was only 18. Of course, her mother found out, then my parents found out. My anxiety was messing up my brain so bad I was lost as to what was going on. If it wasn't for parents hating each other and lashing out, I would've been happy about it.
My father told me what I had to do. Not wanting anymore "bloodshed" I went with my fathers wishes. I married Jill. We had a beautiful baby boy and named him in lineage with my father and I. the next two years we have two more kids. I regret none of it. I love Jill, and despite my feelings of "marriage" I think ours was good. It was good that is, until our environment got to us.
My father got sick and he was dying. I moved down to NC to help take care of him. He's gone now. I sat next to his bed and watched him fade away. It's another story for another time, but the point of bringing it up is that it also messed me up. Right before I came down here, Jill and I were staying at her mom's house. I do not get along with her family. That was the start.
It's extremely hot in NC which goes against our original habitat in VA. It's been four years and I have not adapted. On top of the heat, we have moved so many times. We can not manage our money at all. Jill has a problem with buying crap all the time. I would keep money away from her so she wouldn't spend it. That only made things worse. She's not a very clean person either. After living stationary on our own for the first time, I realized how much it sucked.
We were not meant to live with just the two of us. It simply does not work. Tension grew and it got to the point it was like living separated in the same house. My stress got the better of me. My mind was so clouded, despite love, I thought she was fading away. Then I met Leigh.
I would come home from work and Jill and I would fight. Being a coward I would leave because I didn't want to fight. I would stay with a friend of mine over night and come back the next day. Then we would fight about that. It's easy to see how the cycle gets worse over time. In the middle of all this I meet another woman and without graphic detail, I had an affair.
I fell in love with another person. With all the madness, I was so consumed, so clouded, and so distraught I did everything I could to hide it from Jill. At the same time I did everything I could to hide my feelings about Jill from Leigh. When I was with either one, I told them what they wanted to hear, I was unconsciously manipulating both of them. I feel no shame in love, no guilt in my affair. I share no guilt except that of lies and deception. I knew what would happen, and it is now.
Each woman demands that I be exclusive. I can't help the way I feel, and I love both. I can't really communicate with Leigh anymore unless I lie about it to Jill, on account of all the threats Jill has made to Leigh. Each one despises the other, but both refuse to let go of me. I've been on the verge of suicide a few times over this, but have learned to maintain with the use of music and cutting.
I have tried therapy. I pay someone money for me to sit and talk to them which Is something I can do with someone else for free. I can't find advice or anyone to help me. I don't need medicine, what I need is resolution. I need acceptance, and understanding. I feel like I will never be happy, and nor will those I've been involved with.
Keep on writing....
Wow, what a powerful start to your blog. People read this part of the forum a lot, and your story will touch and help others just by existing. I had a strong reaction to what you've written, and your circumstances - it's your personal space, and I don't care much for judgement calls made in blogs, so all I will say is this. You have a right to be a happy human being - the journey to get to that place is not always a straight shot, and the experience of living our lives is not always what we expect it to be. Keep on writing!
Please, read through some of my blog. I know your pain. I've struggled through the "it's hopeless" faze.
You can make something beautiful of your life.
Honesty is a must.
I lied for years. WAY wAY WAY too many years and hurt myself, my husband, my boyfriend, my kids.
But, on September 25th, 2009 I made a change. Promised myself, honesty all of the way. It hasn't been an easy path-but OMG the benefits have FAR outweighed the negatives.
Some people can't handle it-and they've left. Others who I thought were goners, have stayed and still others I thought never to see or hear from again have re-appeared! Not to mention the wonderful new faces in my life.
Write, read, learn and grow.
Don't tie yourself to a sinking ship. It's ok to try to work things out-but, not to the point where you give up yourself.
So, take some time to rEALLY identify who you are, what your bottom lines are for being able to manage a relationship.
Honestly and openly lay them on the line and then let the pieces fall where they may.
It may mean losing both of those you love right now, it may not.
Either way, stay true and honest throughout and it will get better!!
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