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-   -   Secondary doesn't know about me (primary)...what to do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2591)

ellie 04-20-2010 03:15 AM

Secondary doesn't know about me (primary)...what to do
 
So this is all still new to me...been in an open relationship for about a year. We call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, go on trips, spend holidays together etc...

Even though our relationship has always been open, he has just started to explore it now. I've only had one other partner since we started dating.

It concerns me a bit, that he hasn't told this girl who he has been dating for about 2 months about our open relationship. I have stuff over at his place that he hides whenever she comes over. He has told her it is casual and he is seeing other people.

To be fair, I do know every aspect of their relationship because he has told me. But something just doesn't feel right in my gut. Shouldn't he be honest with her and not lead her on?

From what I know about her, I know she does want a monogamous relationship but she's agreed to a casual one with him.

Has any one else been through something like this...I sure haven't figured out all the answers :)

LovingRadiance 04-20-2010 03:19 AM

I haven't been through that, but I can say that we have a rule that before a second date can be had with anyone, the person has to be told of our dynamic, which means that they know about us.

Personally I feel that honesty being so important to the key understanding of what Polyamory is means that one must be honest with themself and ALL of their partners or potential partners.

In our situation we've extended that to everyone in our life....

ellie 04-20-2010 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 27079)
I haven't been through that, but I can say that we have a rule that before a second date can be had with anyone, the person has to be told of our dynamic, which means that they know about us.

Personally I feel that honesty being so important to the key understanding of what Polyamory is means that one must be honest with themself and ALL of their partners or potential partners.

In our situation we've extended that to everyone in our life....

I agree with you 100%, I think that's why it doesn't feel right to me. To be blunt he is on the younger side (27 and I'm 32). He is honest with me but not with her. When I had my secondary partner, he was aware of my situation. I believe in honesty as well.

He stated he will tell her if she is around for any length of time. Just strikes me as a bit uncaring.

LovingRadiance 04-20-2010 03:28 AM

Do you guys have a boundary list/agreement/ or anything?

We found that was VERY helpful. We each wrote out what we personally needed in order to "do poly" then we got together and went over those things, created an agreement sort of like Maca and I's wedding vows except that it's more of a "living document" in that we can change things if we all agree to it-and we have.

Trying 04-20-2010 03:32 AM

He should have told her from the very first. It's just plain rude.


If i were that girl, I would feel extremely hurt. It happened to me; I agreed to a casual relationship but I didn't find out for a while that the reason we were being casual and not official was because he had also started seeing another girl and i had originally been under the impression that i was currently the only one.



It hurt a LOT. He is going to hurt this girl and she will feel betrayed if he doesn't let on that "seeing other people" means "seeing one specific primary person for the past year, oh yea btw she knows all about you."


it just seems inconsiderate. She should have a better idea of your relationship dynamic besides "seeing other people" which could totally mean just random hookups or other casual interests, not a long-term primary relationship.

ellie 04-20-2010 03:37 AM

We do...when he went on the 1st date with her we sat down and discussed everything (it was his idea to be in an open relationship from the beginning).

We came to mutual agreements (such as no weekends, holidays, rare traveling) and consessions. It continues to be a work in progress.

We never discussed when in the dating process with a secondary it should be brought up that we are in a poly relationship. He tells me not to be concerned about their relationship and he will handle it. As he is keeping it casual.

I feel a bit bad I guess, I don't want her to get hurt and with him not being honest with our situation kind of hurts me a bit. And I thought mono relationships were hard! :)

LovingRadiance 04-20-2010 03:37 AM

Honey-it doesn't seem inconsiderate, it IS inconsiderate, to both women.
But yes-I concur and I'm so sorry you had to suffer that as well!

We as people need to really put some time and effort into considering the long term potential consequences of our actions-which it sounds like he isn't. :(

see if you can get your hands on the book Opening Up at a used book store (always cheaper that way).
It has a GREAT list of "things to consider when making a boundary list in an open relationship".
We found it VERY eye-opening and VERY VERY helpful! I think we've avoided a LOT of issues we would have struggled through unwittingly simply becuase of that book.

ellie 04-20-2010 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trying (Post 27085)
He should have told her from the very first. It's just plain rude.


If i were that girl, I would feel extremely hurt. It happened to me; I agreed to a casual relationship but I didn't find out for a while that the reason we were being casual and not official was because he had also started seeing another girl and i had originally been under the impression that i was currently the only one.



It hurt a LOT. He is going to hurt this girl and she will feel betrayed if he doesn't let on that "seeing other people" means "seeing one specific primary person for the past year, oh yea btw she knows all about you."


it just seems inconsiderate. She should have a better idea of your relationship dynamic besides "seeing other people" which could totally mean just random hookups or other casual interests, not a long-term primary relationship.

These are my thoughts exactly. I keep trying to tell him this, and he asks why am I concerned about her feelings. That he has told her it was casual and she hasn't asked anything more or pushed the issue.

I don't want any one to get hurt...I just feel like a rock in a hard place, I just want him to do the right thing.

I'm sorry you got hurt..I agree it sucks in big way :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 27089)
see if you can get your hands on the book Opening Up at a used book store (always cheaper that way).
It has a GREAT list of "things to consider when making a boundary list in an open relationship".
We found it VERY eye-opening and VERY VERY helpful! I think we've avoided a LOT of issues we would have struggled through unwittingly simply becuase of that book.

Thank you for the recommendation, I've heard about it but rarely have found it in my local bookstore...I'll have to order it online!! :)


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