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-   -   Affection in front of metamours (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25909)

AnnabelMore 07-24-2012 01:25 AM

Affection in front of metamours
 
In your relationships, how acceptable is it to show affection to a partner in front of that partner's other partner(s) (your metamour(s))? I got to thinking about this because of a post in which someone was talking about feeling sad when she saw her partner cuddling with his new partner (this was a vee, not a triad).

Personally, I have two partners (Gia and Davis) but only one metamour (Eric, Gia's husband), so this question pertains to me and Gia showing affection in front of Eric, or Eric and Gia showing affection in front on me. Although our relationship is emotionally a vee, we have threesomes from time to time (mmm), so in theory you'd think it'd be all cool to show all sorts of affection to each other whenever... certainly, when we're in sexy threesome mode we unabashedly show each other all sorts of affection, kissing, cuddling, etc.

However, thinking about it, I think that both Eric and I are much more reserved with Gia when the other is around versus how we might act alone. Like, if it's just me and her, I might randomly grab Gia and kiss and nuzzle her. I might even still do that with Eric elsewhere in the house, because if he passes through and sees it it's no big deal... but I wouldn't do it right in front of him except to say goodbye at the end of the night. Just seems rude. And as much as I wish it were otherwise, I DO feel some jealousy over the time that he and her get together (which she and I don't get much of lately), so I really appreciate the fact that they aren't usually overtly sexual or even particularly cuddly around me if I'm not going to be included. I would probably be much more chill and compersion-y about it if I had all the her-and-me time I could possibly want right now, but all three of us know quite clearly that that's not the case. :/ So, yeah, I appreciate their discretion all the more.

So, how do displays of affection in front of metamours factor into your relationships, if at all?

LovingRadiance 07-24-2012 04:28 AM

Maca and I tend to be pretty affectionate, but GG and I are not (in front of Maca).

We're also a V.

I tend to be somewhat uncomfortable with anything beyond a hug or cuddle in front of either (with the other).

With one of his gf's Maca did anything and everything in front of me. But was awkward doing anything with me in front of her.

The 3 "almost" gf's which lasted under 3 months he tended to be very affectionate with them in front of me, but not vice versa.

Which is ironic-because in front of GG he tends to try to be very affectionate with me-but I don't allow it.

Phy 07-24-2012 05:45 AM

We are quite reserved as well. Kisses are OK, as long as they aren't of those kind that get you out of your clothing within some seconds. Cuddling is something we do all the time and not only restricted to the couples but everyone with everyone. (Yes, the two guys are cuddling each other :p Or to phrase it more precisely, Sward loves to cuddle Lin.) Holding hands, other signs of attachment and care are OK as well, none of us has a problem with that.

In my case it comes down to my personal taste. I don't like 'showing off' in a way. I am well aware of others around me and I have never been someone to display my affection in front of others. And it doesn't matter if those people are strangers, friends, family or my other partner, I am quite protective of those moments and want to enjoy them in private, just me and the partner I am experiencing them with.

NovemberRain 07-24-2012 06:49 AM

I haven't been able to get them in a room together since we became a vee. However, we've all known each other about 9 years before we were a vee. When I was living with CBF, and FBF would come to visit us, I would often pet his hair (he has lovely long dirty blond hair) or hug on him or give scritchies. He doesn't tolerate overmuch touching so it was pretty limited. But CBF loves him too, and knew that he didn't have much touch in his life, and fully supported it. I honestly don't think that boy could be jealous if he wanted to.

I suspect FBF would be more uncomfortable watching me and CBF be affectionate. But finding out will have to wait. We were all supposed to go to the state fair today but CBF flaked on us.

Tonberry 07-24-2012 09:19 AM

I don't think I'd be as affectionate in front of a metamour or another partner, but then again, I don't think I'd be as affectionate in front of anyone at all. There are some displays of affection that are a bit too intimate to happen in front of others.

Mind you, that's not my natural instinct, I'd just be affectionate everywhere, but I've learned to tame it as it made people uncomfortable (either the partner I was kissing/snuggling, etc, or people who were present).

Now I'm more reserved and although I don't have much experience with it, I assume I'd be similarly reserved in front of metamours or other partners, unless we were all comfortable with it and knew that.

LovingRadiance 07-24-2012 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 145131)
I don't think I'd be as affectionate in front of a metamour or another partner, but then again, I don't think I'd be as affectionate in front of anyone at all. There are some displays of affection that are a bit too intimate to happen in front of others.

Mind you, that's not my natural instinct, I'd just be affectionate everywhere, but I've learned to tame it as it made people uncomfortable (either the partner I was kissing/snuggling, etc, or people who were present).

Now I'm more reserved and although I don't have much experience with it, I assume I'd be similarly reserved in front of metamours or other partners, unless we were all comfortable with it and knew that.

I'm giggling. The red-so me!!
:)

BrigidsDaughter 07-24-2012 06:54 PM

One of my favorite things about my relationship with Wendigo and Runic Wolf is that they encourage me to be affectionate with both of them. For example, last night I was cuddling with Wendigo while Runic Wolf was playing a video game and Wendigo gave me a nudge to let me know that Runic Wolf was in a spot where my cuddling him wouldn't be distracting. :) However, I don't give Wendigo any more affection that hugs good bye infront of Pretty Lady, even though we've had foursomes in the past. She is uncomfortable with too much PDA from the two of us. From what I've been told, Wendigo wasn't much for hugging and cuddling before I came into his life. (Well, me and a few of our other female friends who will cuddle with everyone and anyone non-sexually and kind of forced hugs onto him).

CielDuMatin 07-24-2012 10:01 PM

We act in front of each other as we would act in public with just the two of us (whichever two that would be).

Aurelie26 07-25-2012 12:25 AM

It's not a problem for us. My bf Nathan is a very affectionate person, we are always holding hands and hugging or kissing, we do not change the way we are together when we meet up with my lover and his wife. Scott does not mind at all, and his wife thinks it is sweet. Scott is not very affectionate towards me, or his wife, and according to her, he never was. It's a shame because I do think I need non-sexual affection. I guess I'm lucky that Nathan makes up for it.:)

JaneQSmythe 07-28-2012 11:46 PM

We all live together and sleep in the same bed. We do have the occasional threesome but mostly the sex is separate (me+MrS or me+Dude, the boys are straight). We have been navigating the co-habitating polywaters for a year at this point. Things have evolved over time. MrS and Dude were best friends before I ever met Dude - I know that they care for each other in their own right (not just through me) and would never want to hurt the other, which I think has led to their comfort seeing me physically interacting with the other.

At this time we have gotten to the point where the only boundary is that I won't have sex with either one of them if the other is in the same room but not involved. (For instance: if Dude and I wake up and want to get frisky but MrS is sleeping we will move to the couch.) Dude wouldn't mind (he has a voyeurism/exhibitionist streak) but MrS says he would feel uncomfortable.

Hand-holding, lap-sitting, boobie-fondling, kissing, cuddling, etc. all okay - sometimes the other will join in...or not - but these are things that I also feel comfortable doing in front of my closest friends. Dude's primary "love language" is physical affection and he needs a LOT of reassuring touches. MrS does not. Until quite recently I felt uncomfortable with this and tried to keep everything "even" - if I rubbed Dude's neck I would go rub MrS's, etc. This ended up with MrS feeling pested with physical attention that he did not want/need and Dude not getting enough touching - which triggers him to feel "needy". Once they got through to me that things didn't have to be "even" (the same) to be "fair" (everyone getting what they want/need) I got over my anxiety in that regard.

Now, I don't think that I would be comfortable right off the bat witnessing them being as physical with a brand-new girlfriend that I wasn't friends with yet...but I would expect to be working toward that if the idea was to include her in our co-habitating poly family (not necessarily in a relationship with more than one of us but a day-to-day full-on full-time cohabitating famly member). If she would want to have a "separate" relationship with either of them (i.e. everyone knows about everyone but metamours having only a cordial acquaintance level of involvement) that would also be fine but I would expect the PDA in my house to approximate what they would do in public (and would modify my PDA with both of them - the one she was involved with AND the other - accordingly).

Jane("Letting-it-all-hang-out")Q


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