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-   -   Playing with fire.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25895)

CherryBlossomGirl 07-23-2012 06:00 PM

Playing with fire....
 
I've recently become involved with a married woman who I met under the pretext of her being in a polyamorous relationship. Upon further discussion, it became apparent that they had only discussed being poly as theory, and that in reality had a long way to go in communication and negotiations before they'd be ready to open their marriage (on his side, not hers - she is raring to go).

I am extremely attracted to this woman; she is my ideal girlfriend both internally and externally, and I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame. The feeling is mutual, and she is not shy in expressing her desires to explore a relationship with me.

Her husband is not yet on board. He has granted her permission to be friends with me, and we're spending a fair amount of time together - we txt, go for walks, have gone to cultural events, and she is having me over for dinner tonight. I have to fight the urge not to touch her, kiss her, and I'll admit that I have been communicative about these struggles with her. She delights in our mutual attraction, and I can only imagine how hard she is pushing her husband to come around to her way of thinking.

Having just experienced being on his side of things (in a slightly different, but still similar way) in a recent relationship with my husband (Elemental) and his now ex-girlfriend, I am treading cautiously forward with her. In some ways I am relieved that she has decided to fall for me, as it means that I can help her have integrity and patience with her husband as she negotiates the idea of non-monogamy with him. From what I understand she/they are discussing the possibility of both of them being able to date, but that his preferred comfort zones would be with her dating one woman, and possibly having a threesome with said woman at some point (which I am open to, and Elemental is fine with). They seem to be a long ways away from this point.

So my question is - would you pursue a friendship with someone, knowing that it's too soon to have the relationship that you ultimately desire with them? Is it too dangerous to spend time with someone that you share an incredible amount of physical attraction with under the guise of friendship? Is it a ticking time bomb that could ultimately drive her and her husband apart from the sheer pressure of ever-present-desire for a different way of being? Am I playing with fire and putting a long term relationship in jeopardy here?

She's made it clear that if I want to slip up and be naughty with her that she is fully on board. I won't do that, but it concerns me that she would - I know she wants what I want, but to me integrity, honesty, and moving at a reasonable pace seem like the smart long term moves.

Curious as to what other people's take will be on it.

KyleKat 07-23-2012 06:29 PM

Sounds to me like they are working on their relationship and as of yet you have done nothing to warrant distrust or resentment from the husband. By being there you're causing two things to happen. The first is that you're forcing them to deal with the issue. It is very possible that he would just put it off if he wasn't pressured so now he has to spend time thinking about it. The second is that by being the attraction you're ensuring she doesn't go off and be with someone else without his consent. That would destroy any chance at them being poly if not their entire relationship.

You're doing more good than harm. If you slip or if it becomes apparent that he is taking a dislike to you, then you can reconsider. I say keep playing it slow.

sparklepop 07-23-2012 07:29 PM

I think you've definitely got the right idea with integrity and honesty.

I'm hoping that this yellow flag of her perhaps saying she and her husband were more along the poly train than they are, plus telling you that she could be naughty with you before he's ready, is just because she's new to poly and she's getting carried away with the excitement. :)

I would suggest taking it very slowly and perhaps cutting down on the time you spend together... or perhaps pick specific types of dates and times that will make sleeping together difficult.

I'd also suggest getting to know the husband more and talking through things with him.

Obviously, whilst he does not own her, she should really be patient and considerate of him. She needs to let him know if she can't handle waiting any more. It's her responsibility to get her needs out there... it's not fair to act on them regardless of his feelings.

For example, my GF recently started dating. It was going to be her first sexual partner outside of her marriage and myself. She had one date with the 7th guy she met, came home and said to me "I cannot wait any longer for this, I'm chomping at the bit, I need to do this now. If I have to wait longer, I'm afraid I'm going to break a guideline. I don't want to do that, but I've waited long enough."

I found this a bit offensive at first, that she couldn't control herself. But then I realised, she just couldn't wait. I might have a little more self control than most people - that was her limit. She knew that for her, waiting any longer was going to cause resentment and unhappiness. I think that your potential-new-lover really needs to get her needs across to her husband if they are that strong that she's willing to act now.

How long have they been exploring the idea of poly in theory?

Dirtclustit 11-07-2013 08:34 AM

it takes a seriously responsible person to be able to do that
 
and if you can, I don't think that couple will ever truly know how lucky they are someone was willing to take the time and by exemplary example you would damn near carry them both down many many painful pathways leaving them unscathed.

It is probably the gentlest, easiest way for any couple to go from theory to practice, but being a year old, these events are quite a ways into the past, but for any other readers I will say that it could easily be considered playing with fire, however there is a way to safely play with it

and that is by getting to know her partner.

Not many people have spouses that are up for that unless it's a more casual relationship like specifically wanting a threesome, or the spouse honestly enjoys seeing their partner engaged in sex acts.

For some peculiar reason, every instance of meeting someone and having them tell me "their partner is aware of me and is ok with it" those words are likely to represent two very distinct conversations which are:

conversation between myself and her = She is explicitly stating her desire for sex, that the friendship we are beginning, she sees me as compatible to start a friendship and wants to make sure that I understand she has a boyfriend whom she is not leaving and will always remain his girlfriend, that our relationship is a friendship. Essentially she informs me she wants to have sex and makes it clear it is not cheating

conversation between her and her boyfriend = For some strange reason, sex is not mentioned and the activities she is explicit about are getting coffee, grabbing lunch, that it is refreshing to have a male friend who doesn't hit on her and is willing to hang out with her knowing she has a boyfriend.

For some reason, there is a significant difference in the two versions of the statements "My boyfriend knows about you and he is OK with it"

I know it isn't intentional, but I don't think it is a coincidence that I have never had trouble with couples that wanted a threesome or her boyfriend's kink was to see her have sex, but when I don't meet the spouse, my friendship ends up problematic.

I enjoy the company of women, much more so than men, and I will never be a part of the miscommunication that seems inevitable when I don't meet the boyfriend.

Due to some very bad experiences, I have a bad habit of disappointing women by keeping the relationship respectful and platonic (if I don't meet their partner, I do not let the conversation turn sexual and when it does my mentioning of having to meet their boyfriend is taken as giving mixed signals. Sometimes it pisses women off)

So I've learned to be upfront about needing to meet their boyfriend/spouse first. Which means most of time that the women moves on to someone else.

which is fine, but honestly I view the situation you described as ideal. I will admit that it gets near impossible to continue seeing someone in your situation unless it's not just you two alone. Either they get explicit permission to engage in sex, or to keep from "slipping up" we no longer spend time together in person. For me, if I was in your situation, I would either put the matches down, or get to know their spouse.

Once you are on fire, the two of you burn, and I have no doubt it will be the good kind of burn , but when the partner doesn't explicitly agree, that fires burns the spouse and in a very negative way

it can be a very productive and extremely rewarding controlled burn -- when the spouse is present, but if not, it will be like using gasoline instead of lighter fluid to light the briquettes, which is less like playing with fire and more like playing with explosives.

Gasoline isn't flammable, it's explosive

BBQ without the spouse is Queing with gasoline

When the spouse is present, it prevents the rancid smell of burnt hair and the months it takes to for eyebrows to grow back

Dagferi 11-07-2013 01:44 PM

Dirt what is with the necroposts?

You keep resurrecting dead threads why?

Dirtclustit 11-07-2013 03:42 PM

It was an accident
 
from being over tired, not having taken the required course in Composition, not realizing I wasn't in Rome as opposed to Origon, and having too many windows opened with too many language translators running at the same time and I know I should know better (this sort of thing always happens if I don't stick to three languages at a time)

I got confused during my conversations with Angel, who first said his name was Lazarus, but then two seconds later he was saying Osiris, or so I thought, as it turns out one of the active windows I had open I thought was an online dictionary, it was a Thesaurus, and because of the odd accents used by the Angel of the Lord (thĕ-saw´rus) I mistook the french translation for Lazarus and the Port-to-gesus translation looked like Osiris.

It tooks me a minute or two to realize I didn't have three translators open in three windows, but rather two dictionaries , two translators, and and one Thesaurus attempting to translate itself (the word Thesaurus) many times over in many different languages.

I finally had to take a step back after it dawned on me, this is not what Romans do anywhere, and most importantly I am in Oregon

pheua! that was a close call


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