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darkwillows 07-23-2012 01:45 AM

New to poly and need advice
 
Hi all,

I apologize if this becomes a long winded disjointed post but the brain fog has hit rather fierce lately.
Ok, my husband and I have been together for going on three years and have been open/swinging for the last year or so. This was a mutually agreed decision and worked out well for awhile.
I wanted to stay in this dynamic since I have a tendency to form emotional relationships rather easily (also, it is hard to separate intense lust from a true emotional connection in the beginning for me as one is tied to the other) and my husband (I'll call him D) was uncomfortable with that. He was worried that I would leave him for another person if I became too attached.
Fast forward through the first relationship that we had with a close guy friend of ours (D is bi and I am straight) who is poly and wasn't currently in a relationship. It worked, everyone was happy for awhile.
Then about 4 months ago, we started to see another couple ( N and K). They had been experiencing serious relationship issues because N is straight mono and K has always been poly. They'd been in a mono relationship for two years and K was going to leave if N wasn't willing to try being poly.
So my husband and I's relationship evolved to poly when my husband realized he had a whopping crush on K and the feeling was definitely mutual.
N and I's relationship never really took off however and it remains just sex, and all on his terms. I am trying to accept this but since I have had a crush on him for years, it's hard. He never opened up and doesn't talk about relationship stuff at all with me and can be distant. From what I have heard from K, that's just how he is, but it's frustrating still.
I think I need to take a step back and evaluate whether it is worth the potential pain and aggravation of continuing to be someone else's first foray into open/poly relationships when they can't even figure out their primary one.
Also, I find myself feeling a tad jealous of my husband and K; it doesn't help that he talks about her all the time and how great the relationship they have is.
I am kinda upset for two reasons 1) my husband didn't want me to form emotional attachements so I respected that, and then he did exactly that to me. 2) I have begun to feel like a third wheel even though D and I are each other's primary.
Any thoughts on how to deal with this? I have talked it through with my husband and he agreed to tone down the K talk and I know I have to have "the conversation" with N to see where this is going, if anywhere. I just feel left out and used a bit I guess.

sexymuffy 07-23-2012 04:17 AM

I too am new to this poly thing. JC is visiting his first "other lover" and I still don't know if I will develop any poly relationships. But I have learned really quickly that you have to be open with your feelings. Don't keep them cooped up as they will just fester. I learned that while I like Bee (JC's other) and she and I have become good friends, I don't like hearing her text him all the time! mostly because I wish she would text me more. :) After dealing with listening to his text tone go off all day for many days, I realized it was much easier for me to ask him to turn it to vibrate and be discreet when he replied. it was simple but made a big difference on my feelings.

I realize that your feelings aren't that simple, but the premise still stands. Be open with everyone! just make sure you don't jump down their throats but have a calm conversation.

Good luck and keep us posted!

JJ87 07-23-2012 11:29 AM

Hi. I am extremely new at this, so take my advice for what it's worth (not much LOL); it sounds as if your husband is experiencing that new relationship energy that I keep reading about. I think I would just let it ride, knowing that this is what it could be and try to get wrapped up in his excitement.

Good luck!

Emm 07-23-2012 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkwillows (Post 144931)
N and I's relationship never really took off however and it remains just sex, and all on his terms.

What happens when you try to set the terms?
Quote:

Originally Posted by darkwillows (Post 144931)
I am trying to accept this but since I have had a crush on him for years, it's hard. He never opened up and doesn't talk about relationship stuff at all with me and can be distant. From what I have heard from K, that's just how he is, but it's frustrating still.
I think I need to take a step back and evaluate whether it is worth the potential pain and aggravation of continuing to be someone else's first foray into open/poly relationships when they can't even figure out their primary one.

The "relationship broken, add people" thing isn't a promising start for them, but it doesn't mean an automatic failure. On the other hand, if you're not getting what you need from your relationship with N and he's not willing to work with you to increase the chance of you getting it, is it really worth sticking around just because you used to have a crush on him? By the sound of it the pain and aggravation aren't the result of being his first poly girlfriend but rather because that's just how he is.

kdt26417 07-23-2012 10:06 PM

Hello darkwillows,
Welcome to our forum.

From the sound of your initial post, I'd guess you could continue on with the situation for the moment, as you may not be 100% sure yet of what you can or can't live with. This might even be a good time to evaluate your goals. What do you want in the long term?

You said N dictates the terms of your relationship with him. How does he do so? It doesn't sound like he's very communicative. Is silence a "means of control" for him?

Glad to hear your husband agreed to tone down the K talk. Sometimes when people are caught up with NRE (New Relationship Energy), they just don't realize what they're doing.

Hope we can be of some help to you on this site.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

darkwillows 07-29-2012 07:22 AM

Thanks for all the advice, I always find it helpful to get outside opinions when my objectivity goes out the window (like when in the throes of NRE :)). My husband and I have talked quite a bit about the situation and he has asked that I be patient with N, even though we both agree that N doesn't seem to really like being poly. However, that determination is one sided being based soley on his discussions with K. Furthermore, if N and I were end our....whatever it is, we all three know N would insist K cease seeing my husband, so his advice to be patient with N is somewhat self serving. But since I want his relationship with K to work (and really hope that it helps ease some of N's worries/jealousy when he sees that she isn't going to leave him just because she likes someone else too) I think I am gonna swallow my impatience and envy and roll with it for the next few months. Who knows, maybe after I discuss things with N our relationship will grow stronger. Won't know till I try! I'll keep everyone posted if something new develops.

Darkwillows

darkwillows 11-21-2012 01:24 AM

An Update
 
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thanks to those who responded with advice regarding my situation and I just thought I'd give a little update. So my husband D, and his gf K are doing very well and it's lovely to see. She has a wonderful calming effect on him and since he has OCD/anxiety, it's been quite helpful at times.
It has taken months but N and I are also doing pretty good too. I decided to give him the time to get used to the idea of being poly and slooooooowly he is opening up. I realized that he is quite a lot like me, quiet and introverted and that has helped me understand him, our relationship and how best to communicate with him.
K and I have also become friends which has made things less awkward when we all hang out together. Also, I have spent the last four months really working hard to become more vocal on my needs/wants and concerns and it has strengthened my relationship with my husband as he no longer has to pick at me until I spill and I don't become resentful and let things simmer anymore.:D
So all in all, while there have been some serious bumps in the road, we are learning more about ourselves and really enjoying each other's friendship.

Stevenjaguar 11-21-2012 02:33 PM

On only one of the subjects you brought up: you have the right to the attention of the person you're with when you're with them. They should be emotionally available to you and shouldn't be carrying on a text convo with their other or telling you constantly about their other relationship, even if it is the biggest thing going on in his life at the moment. Everyone has rights in relationships and this is one of them. Without that you don't really have a relationship.

On another, you have something really scary to do. Since it's not working out for you I suggest you call a four-way meeting where everybody states what they want out of this situation. You get to talk about your feelings and why you have them and what you other people to (hopefully) do about it. You get to say you feel left out and used and you need more attention from your husband. That's not unreasonable. His other will still be there tomorrow or next week and you have the right to ask for, and get, more of his attention.

kdt26417 11-21-2012 11:11 PM

Hi darkwillows,

It sounds like things are going better; I'm glad to hear that. Of course, it's always advisable to have a sit-down with the others and see how everyone feels. I take it communication has been somewhat of a barrier for both you and N.

I hope things continue to go in a positive direction; keep us posted.


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