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-   -   We had the talk... it didn't go well (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25870)

Courious 07-22-2012 11:14 PM

We had the talk... it didn't go well
 
You can read about my story here... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25643

So I had the talk with my hubby and it went okay for the first hour or so and then it just... didn't. I'm not sure where we derailed, but I when he made the comment 'so, you want to do this why? because it's exciting?' with a making fun of me tone that I knew it wasn't going to end well.

I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.

I mean, I know I want to be with more than one person for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to hurt him. And I don't want my 'wants' to tear our family apart (we have 2 kids).

I don't know what to do next. Help.

Maybe I should just tell him who I have a crush on and see how that goes? I mean, I was trying to ease him into it, but maybe he could feel I wasn't being fully open and so he got scared?

He said he doesn't need anyone else... well, for one thing I don't think he's right about that, and for another thing, I do need someone else, even if he doesn't.

AutumnalTone 07-23-2012 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Courious (Post 144917)
I'm not sure where we derailed, but I when he made the comment 'so, you want to do this why? because it's exciting?' with a making fun of me tone that I knew it wasn't going to end well.

Did you call him on the mocking tone and comment?

Quote:

I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.
Until you take full responsibility for yourself and speak truth, I expect you're going to have problems. Lying about what you want isn't going to do *anybody* any good.

Courious 07-23-2012 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 144988)
Did you call him on the mocking tone and comment?



Until you take full responsibility for yourself and speak truth, I expect you're going to have problems. Lying about what you want isn't going to do *anybody* any good.

I know it. I'll be talking with him again tonight. It's easy to say what needs to happen, but in the thick of it, when it feels like my family is at stake, I got intimidated. He has a way of being passive-aggressive about things sometimes rather than just coming out and saying what he needs and wants. He knows it though, and is working on it.

We talked on the phone a little bit last night (he was at his parents place for a visit) and our talk went pretty well, considering. He knows the convo is still open, and I made sure to mention to him that I love him deeply and am glad we're talking more openly than we ever have. Because to be honest, there's no way I could have even brought up a deep convo about poly a year or so ago.

I am optimistic... he's one of those people who takes a looooooong time to get used to new ideas, but when he does everything is chill. I am thinking he might be mono, but if he really does love me, he will find a way to be okay with me being poly. And maybe when he sees how great it is he'll find someone too ;)

Wish me luck!

SNeacail 07-23-2012 07:40 PM

What AT said. Also remember you likely blindsided him with this and he will need some time to process everything. Frankly, based on some of the conversations I've read on this board, it sounds like it actually went really well, as a beginning. If he asks a question, answer it, even if the answer is "I don't know, I need to think about that". If you think he is mocking you call him on that. He will have fears and you will have to address those.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Courious (Post 144917)
I ended up backing off and telling him I'd been thinking about it a lot because I've been writing about it (true, for my novel), and that it wasn't something I felt like I had to do. So I lied. I think. I don't know.

It may not be something you have to do RIGHT NOW.

Quote:

But I also don't want to hurt him. And I don't want my 'wants' to tear our family apart (we have 2 kids).
I think this is important to tell him the next time you talk.

Courious 07-23-2012 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 145010)
What AT said. Also remember you likely blindsided him with this and he will need some time to process everything. Frankly, based on some of the conversations I've read on this board, it sounds like it actually went really well, as a beginning. If he asks a question, answer it, even if the answer is "I don't know, I need to think about that". If you think he is mocking you call him on that. He will have fears and you will have to address those.



It may not be something you have to do RIGHT NOW.


I think this is important to tell him the next time you talk.


Thanks for your feedback. And yes, after thinking about it I realized it didn't go horribly. I mean, we even had some great snuggle time after our initial talk, and have been lovey all weekend (no sex, I'm on my cycle).

Last night when we talked on the phone, he promised to read more of the links I'd sent him about poly. I'm feeling better and better about things as the day wears on. I am actually kind of excited to talk to him tonight.

My new plan is to show him something I wrote about my ideal poly family setup. People have told me I have a way of getting them to feel and experience new things through my writing, so hopefully when he reads what I wrote, about my ideal, some of his fears will be quenched.

I'll keep updating :)

Marcus 07-23-2012 10:25 PM

New Concepts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Courious (Post 145032)
I am actually kind of excited to talk to him tonight.

I would like to consider myself to be open to new concepts and flexible when it comes to giving them a fair shake. That being said, sometimes if I am hit just right with new ideas I am about as receptive to them as a rattle snake (and just as charming).

As you've said, all told, it sounds like it wasn't a complete breakdown for an initial conversation. He sounds like he got a little catty because of an emotional response but there was minimal damage.

I'm with these other folks though, that you will want to practice at making your needs/desires known in a constructive way. It can be tough and I am certainly not skilled enough to have a clinic or judge anyone else, but improving in that skill should be a fairly high priority. Backing down to avoid a fight in certain circumstances can be a *very* temporary solution - but it is merely a bandaid and is not at all addressing the condition.

Keep us posted, I wish you the best.

Courious 07-24-2012 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 145047)
I would like to consider myself to be open to new concepts and flexible when it comes to giving them a fair shake. That being said, sometimes if I am hit just right with new ideas I am about as receptive to them as a rattle snake (and just as charming).

As you've said, all told, it sounds like it wasn't a complete breakdown for an initial conversation. He sounds like he got a little catty because of an emotional response but there was minimal damage.

I'm with these other folks though, that you will want to practice at making your needs/desires known in a constructive way. It can be tough and I am certainly not skilled enough to have a clinic or judge anyone else, but improving in that skill should be a fairly high priority. Backing down to avoid a fight in certain circumstances can be a *very* temporary solution - but it is merely a bandaid and is not at all addressing the condition.

Keep us posted, I wish you the best.

All good points, thank you. I am, indeed, working on making my needs known. It can be very hard for me, as I was raised in a very restrictive environment.

I've been reading stories on these boards all day to try to sort things out within myself and to keep from thinking too much about our upcoming talk.

We'll see how it goes!

RunningMan 07-24-2012 06:26 PM

It looks like it went much better than my poly talk. My poly talk went terrible, we didn't speak for like 2 days and when we finally spoke, nothing was resolved. In fact it's kind of put us in awkward place, but we're working through it.

I feel that now at least I got it out there, so my partner knows how I feel. I haven't given up on it. I feel that sometimes, things take time to get used to, so when I feel like stirring the pot again, I will bring it up to gauge and see if any progress has been made in the area.

I'm not doing this to become a nuisance or to start fights. I feel that even though my partner may not change, it's important that he knows I'm not going to change either in what I would like our relationship to be.

As futile as it may be, it's probably the only way that I can be true to myself at this point.

Courious 07-24-2012 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunningMan (Post 145186)
It looks like it went much better than my poly talk. My poly talk went terrible, we didn't speak for like 2 days and when we finally spoke, nothing was resolved. In fact it's kind of put us in awkward place, but we're working through it.

I feel that now at least I got it out there, so my partner knows how I feel. I haven't given up on it. I feel that sometimes, things take time to get used to, so when I feel like stirring the pot again, I will bring it up to gauge and see if any progress has been made in the area.

I'm not doing this to become a nuisance or to start fights. I feel that even though my partner may not change, it's important that he knows I'm not going to change either in what I would like our relationship to be.

As futile as it may be, it's probably the only way that I can be true to myself at this point.


You just summed up my internal feelings so accurately. Thank you :)

And I hope things smooth out for you and I both!


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