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lace3232 07-22-2012 08:48 AM

I have been living a semi poly life for 1.5 yrs now or should I say my husband has We have been married for 8 yrs we have 7 yr old and a newborn. My story is a long and complicated one but the jist is a girl that worked with my husband needed a place to stay during work days so I let her and her man played the poly card and she lured my husband into thinking it was a good idea. I wanted a baby so we made deal. I make no excuses I did what I did not fully knowing what would happen but I never thought he would go through with it but he did and not only that they tell eachother they love each other. Which according to him is bullshit cause he says he just wants her to feel good so she doesn't go find other men and bring back diseases. I feel betrayed and heart broken that he has an emotional relationship with someone other than me like that. I play with them but i am not really into it because i feel like its all a lie It was just suppose to be sex not emotional that was the rule. Now I don't trust either of them in regards to each other and it's not like I haven't had it out with them and voiced my opinion cause I have. There's Way more to the story. I am struggling and need someone to talk to

CielDuMatin 07-22-2012 02:24 PM

That is a tricky situation - thanks for coming here and sharing it with us.

Polyamory is about love - it may well be about sex too, but primarily it is about love. Was this not something that you guys discussed when you were talking about getting into this?

Let me see if I understand your situation correctly - this colleague of your husbands, who is married and lives remotely, wanted somewhere to stay during the week. Your husband suggested that she stay with you guys.

First question - did you husband and her have some sort of romantic or sexual connection before she moved in, or was she just a colleague and this developed after she moved in?

Once it got sexual, by whatever means, you made a deal with them that she would get pregnant because you wanted a baby. This sounds like the agreement was that if she got pregnant, she would allow you and your husband to legally adopt it - is that right?

Second question - did everyone involved (the two of you, and her and her husband) all agree to this? Was anything legal put in place to make sure that she couldn't just change her mind and leave with the baby?

Now they tell each other that they are in love with each other, but he is telling you that he is lying to her about that, and only doing it to keep her happy. Either way he is lying - either to you or her. Neither sounds particularly healthy to me. Part of poly is being open and honest and he isn't. He needs to change that if this is going to work in any way.

Third question - did you have a discussed agreement that this would be sex only and that no love would happen? Or was this just assumed? If it was discussed, was it discussed with just the two of you, the three of you, or all four? If it was explicitly discussed, then them falling in love is breaking your agreement. If you assumed it without a discussion, then this points to some real communication difficulties between you and your husband.

He claims that the reason he isn't being honest with her is because if he didn't say he loved her, she would go out and have unprotected sex with other men.

Fourth question: Have you negotiated some sort of "closed' relationship agreement with her/them? If not, then she can certainly go out and have sex with (and fall in love with) anyone she chooses - she's poly, after all. No amount of him telling her he loves her will change that. If you have negotiated a closed policy then you have an agreement in place that she won't, so him telling her or not won't make any difference.

If you don't feel like doing the sexual threesome with them, why do you? Why put yourself through something that you don't really want or enjoy?

Please correct me if I am making wrong assumptions about what has gone on - that's the reason I am asking the questions, so that we can have a better idea of what is going on and what has gone on.

lace3232 07-22-2012 04:02 PM

1. I don't know how they felt towards each other before she moved in I imagine there was attraction probably no sense deluding myself. They claim the emotional happened after the sex started. The deal was for me to get pregnant not her. Our first child was a surprise while dating. We had a turmoiled relationship then but still got married. the person he is now in regards to sex and love now from then is like night and day.

3. the initial deal was my husband never had a true single life his first child and marriage happened when he was 18. he divorced and was single for like 6 mo then me and him got together. I was a wild child and also served in the army for 6 yrs so I had me some crazy times I sowed my wild oats. He was on the brink of a midlife crisis and I thought maybe just going out and having fun would benefit him. that's how it was suppose to go down. Then it turned to just her and I started freaking and supposedly they stopped doing anything physical unless I was there and the feelings between them began. He claims that he loves her like a best friend and cares for her but I know my husband and I say bullshit he either is in denial or just lying. I know he loves me but I am not willing to have half his heart.
This has been discussed with her several times that I felt she was moving in on my family and that it wasn't just sex they had an actual dating relationship. They both deny it though they say they just talk to eachother the way they do for fun. I can see why she would her man is a non nurturing ass. But I give my husband tons of affection and attention. He says cause I dont make him feel needed she does. Cause she a helpless 23 yr old who has jacked her life up. I am independent woman who can do pretty much anything. I don't need a man. I just want one. I have freaked at least 4 times had multiple fights with my husband and if he truelly care about my mental health or marriage he would do something. it stopped briefly supposedly but he was horrible to live with and I had too much on my plate to deal so I just said ok y'all can go back but I'm in the room and no relationship crap. so I let it go looking to see If it was goin to change. Guess what. Nope. they text each other every single waking minute (I'm not exaggerating) and when he is asleep and she works she sends like 15 texts during the night. example the other morning they had sex with me in there which I can't do anything just had baby. An she goes to her room after for bed. They text some more. What does that tell u? Tells me they had some things to say that they don't want me to know. this happens all the time.

I will have to say he has changed attitude wise for the better and we are really open in our feelings now. Or at least its alot better. if I wanted I could go get someone for me but I don't need or want anyone but him I'm happy with one person. He believes in her philosophy. That not one person can make someone truelly happy So where does that leave me? I know the answer. Either shut up and live with it, or leave, or make her leave and always wonder if he is cheating.

snowmelt 07-22-2012 04:23 PM


Originally Posted by lace3232 (Post 144832)
...he says he just wants her to feel good so she doesn't go find other men and bring back diseases.

You and your husband are in a codependent relationship with each other. Your codependent relationship with him drew in another codependent person. The sentence I quoted clearly shows that. In your case, neither of you really know what you want. Both of you have been trying to please each other in the hope that the other will figure out what you want and give it to you.

Your husband is trying to do this with his new girlfriend, because it didn't work with you. It won't work with her either, but he doesn't know that yet. It takes courage and a high level of self esteem to talk about all issues that come up as they come up, because you never know what each new conversation will change in the relationship. That is why most couples don't have the courage to talk as things come up. They don't want the change (yet). Instead of a conversation changing things the easier way, "cicumstances" do it for them the harder way.

Add a new person to a bunch of stuff not talked about and that stuff comes to the surface fast and in your face. Codependence is an unstable mixture of low self esteem and poor personal boundaries. Its a recipe for ongoing drama. The best thing to do is figure out what YOU really want and start making the day to day decisions that will get you there.

Your husband does not seem to have the confidence to be honest with himself or you (or anyone - including his new girl) about what he wants. YOU will have to privately decide what YOU want in life, then start making the little and big decisions necessary to get there. Until you develop the courage to do this, someone else's wants and needs are going to steer your life. Someone elses wants and needs steering your life is part of the experience of being in a codependent relationship.

You can recover from your own codependence if you focus yourself and do the work, but you don't have the power to change your husband or his girlfriend in any way. Codependent people usually don't feel the "need" to recover as long as others are buying into their dramas by doing what they want them to do.

It is important for you to decide what you want in life and do what it takes to get there. If the new baby grows up in your current environment, the baby will learn codependence first, then face the challenge of recovery later on. Healthy relationships are made of self esteem, respect and honesty. Your twosome didn't have it, and your new threesome doesn't either.

What are you going to do about it? I'm being very blunt because I'm hoping to wake you up out of your "I don't want to look at it yet" slumber. There is a baby on the way that will learn that slumber quickly.

So ,what are you going to do about it?

kdt26417 07-22-2012 05:45 PM

Hi Lace,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like there may be some communication gaps here, both in the honesty area, and in the completeness area. We know now (by experience) that "consenting" to something we secretly hope won't really happen is a problem. On the same token, your husband has no business lying about his feelings toward his girlfriend, and she has no business running off having unsafe sex. And how does her man feel about all of this? The four of you need to start sitting down and talking as a group about what's going on, even though it probably won't be easy. You have to be candid, thorough, and willing to listen.

I can't promise that nothing will be a dealbreaker. But really communicating is better than a world where you're just trying to go along with something you feel you object to on a very deep and visceral level. It sounds to me like you aren't happy at all with the situation. So something needs to change.

I hope your time spent on Polyamory.com will help you.

Kevin T.

lace3232 07-22-2012 09:06 PM

Snowmelt. I know it's reached the point of decision time. I know what I want I just don't know if I will ever get it. I want my husband to have a friend he can talk to but I want it to just be friends. I want to enjoy my marriage and share the enjoyment of sexuality in our marriage "to have fun" I just want my husbands love to be just for me. I don't want to share that part of him. And I know the words I am writing sound selfish to even me but that's how I really feel. I have told this to my husband but it hasn't gotten the results I wanted. He has voiced that he will send her on her way but has also said that he will go back to feeling like he did before most likely. And I don't want that for him or me. So it's like a never ending cycle. she has been caught in lies before and it made my husband feel like crap so I know it's not just friendship. And we have say down and talked several times. Minus her man. but he doesn't play a part as far as what she says he doesn't care what she does as long as she comes back to him. I don't know about the codependency part as much as I know I feel like I have lost my normal world for something I wasn't ready for or dont understand. they seem to fully get the idea that they need multiple people to feel good about theirselves. I don't share that thought I might have not been 100%happy before but I want my marriage to work cause of us not someone else joining in. I don't know anymore I am having a rough time dealing an I know he knows cause he keeps asking what's wrong with me. I think it's funny cause I know e knows the answer. I am also having some post parton depression I think I don't feel close to my newborn and just feel like I ruine my life. but the sane person in me is saying quit feeling sorry for urself and live with what I did.

CielDuMatin 07-22-2012 10:07 PM

So, you want a monogamous relationship, at least as far as him falling in love is concerned. He is communicating to you that this is not something that he can do. These two are mutually-incompatible.

If either of you "give in" and do what the other wants, there is going to be hostility and resentment.

I presume you made your marriage vows based on a monogamous basis to the relationship. A year and a half ago you agreed to trying the poly thing. (OK, this is overly-simplifying things, but I hope it makes the point) Now you have decided that this just doesn't work for you (which is absolutely your right).

To be blunt, I cannot see a way forward where the two of you stay together and both of you being happy. You have what seem to be incompatible "bottom-lines" where it comes to relationships.

snowmelt 07-22-2012 10:21 PM

I read your post several times to get all the detail. My impression of you in your post is a person who is very uncomfortable in your current situation, but chooses to stay in it, inspite of the fact you know you are not going to get what you want from your husband. That is your choice. You response to me sounds desperate and urgent, but I don't see you as a victim. I see you as a woman making a choice.

For some reason, you believe your husband has the magic touch to make you happy, but he just won't touch you with his magic - so your stuck. What you see as stuck I see as your choice.


Originally Posted by lace3232 (Post 144903)
So it's like a never ending cycle.

Classic codependence.


Originally Posted by lace3232 (Post 144903)
I don't know about the codependency part.

You know what they say about alcoholics - the first step in recovery is to admit it. You're not there yet.


Originally Posted by lace3232 (Post 144903)
I don't feel close to my newborn

Unless you do the personal work of developing the self esteem necessary to be happy, you will teach your child to have the same low self esteem you do.
I wish your child the very best in his journey to self esteem and happiness. He won't be able to learn how to get there from you. Most of us come into this world with a certain amount of pain. The heartache you are going to fill his childhood with will be a part of his.

The only good news I can give you is you can make the decision to grow up and take full responsibility for your own happiness anytime.

lace3232 07-22-2012 11:21 PM

I don't like to think I'm weak but I guess I am if I go by everyone on here. The way I act with my children and the way I act with my husband are night and day I do not let my kids see me as someone with low self esteem. the only low self esteem I have is that I can't seem to make my own husband happy with just me. I am successful at everything I have ever done. I teach my seven year old there are never limits to success. I guess I will find out what kind of parent I am when they are older but my kids are not shown the inside of my marriage.

I came here also to find out why people need someone other than their spouse in a romantic way. I don't get it at all. I could see if I treated my husband like crap but I don't. I am not so idiotic as to not see that I made my own path with this and I want to fix it . I want to fill the void that she seems to fulfill. I might be pissing in the wind but I want the chance. I hate games and I hate feeling like everyday I am being lied to. I am an evidence girl and since I have none I don't know what really goes on between them. I am looking for a ear to listen and not judge Thanks for the input. I plan on talking with him later and going from there

LovingRadiance 07-22-2012 11:49 PM

No one can make another person happy. So, you can't ever expect that you can make your husband happy "with just you" or otherwise.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation, because the man you want to build a monogamous life with (your husband) doesn't want to do that.

I can't say I know how you feel-because I'm the one who put my husband in the position you are in.

BUT, I can say-without question, that this is your choice.

You have to choose to accept him for who he is, as he is right now-or not.
There's no right or wrong answer, it's just a matter of reality.

You can't change him. Only he can.
He may never change, he may never want to, this isn't something you have a say-so in.

You can choose to stay-but doing so means accepting that he is going to have a "more than just sex" relationship with someone else.
You can choose not to stay and that means accepting the consequences of a broken marriage.

Both routes are going to require you to buck up and deal with some painful and frustrating consequences. :(
That's just part of life.

I would caution, for future reference;
no matter what ANYONE claims-a person can not ever guarantee that they will not become emotionally attached to another person.
They CAN guarantee how they will choose to act upon those emotions (or not act as the case may be), but emotions come and go at their own will. Sometimes in complete defiance of our personal preferences and often at the will of hormonal changes within us (yes men and women both have hormonal changes).

So, in the future, understand, that you can't expect that such agreements are viable or trustworthy-becuase they are not and never will be.

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