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-   -   My first (and possibly last) polyamorous relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2586)

samaki82 04-19-2010 10:17 PM

My first (and possibly last) polyamorous relationship
 
I guess I don't know where to begin. I just have some things I need to get off my chest. I just got out of a polyamorous relationship that lasted a month or so. I was honest and open with him about my current relationship and what I was looking for. He seemed to be ok with it, even though he had never been in a non-monogamous relationship. At first, it was a little strange for him, but as time went on, he was getting a little more used to it. It was very difficult to get him to talk about his feelings. He would just say that nothing is wrong or he had nothing to say. The communication was definitely lacking on his part and that was a big problem. I wasn't always sensitive to my other partner's feelings either. I tried to keep it "even" with the both of them and make them both happy, but that proved to be a difficult task. I had had feelings for other men before, but never got into a relationship with them. I've been with my current boyfriend (and long-term partner) for 6 1/2 years. We are very close and share everything with each other. I never keep things from him and he does the same. I love our relationship, but part of me is almost "addicted" to the new relationship chemicals. I think that's why I tend to develop feelings for another man pretty fast, especially when we're intimate with each other. Anyway, I'm just ranting a bit to get my feelings and thoughts out. I'm interested to know if anyone has any thoughts on this. ;)

LovingRadiance 04-19-2010 10:27 PM

Um... what is it that you are trying to get at? It's hard to reply because it's so .... rambling...

samaki82 04-19-2010 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 27021)
Um... what is it that you are trying to get at? It's hard to reply because it's so .... rambling...

I was simply sharing my thoughts and part of my experience. I wasn't asking for advice or anything. I was simply wondering what people thought or if they had anything to share. It was meant to be very open-ended and "rambling" as you call it. ;) I'm just trying to work out my feelings about it.

LovingRadiance 04-19-2010 11:13 PM

OH, ok. ;)

You seemed to start off very upset, but then I got confused!!

That's ok. If you see my posts-some of them are so confusing rambles that I get lost re-reading them! The joys of journaling.

Personally I prefer to do it on here, because at least there is a chance SOMEONE can make sense of my mind-where as when I write in an actual journalbook-it's just me.

SO-we got off to a rough start,
Welcome to the board!

I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable! Totally not my intention at all!

I live in Alaska-been on the board since September I think...:rolleyes:. Met some WONDERFUL people on here. I'm in a poly-relationship (V) that has its struggles as all do. I have 4 kids (eek oldest is 18, youngest is 2).

And you? I'd love to hear more about you-bridge the gap a little. I hope you accept my proffered olive branch.
;)

samaki82 04-19-2010 11:25 PM

That was my intention as well. . .just to get the feelings out. ;) It's nice to have a forum where you can actually get it out and not have to worry about what people might think/say about it. Just to have that freedom. ;)

No worries. I appreciate the feedback and honesty.

I live in Minnesota and as I said on my post, I have been with my current boyfriend for 6 1/2 years and just got out of a relationship with another man. So I may be a bit on the defensive side myself. ;) It's been hard to deal with all the feelings/emotions that come along with everything.

To give you some idea of what I was dealing with while in the poly relationship with a mono guy, here are some quotes by him:

"I love certain parts of you."

"You know what I want, but it doesn't matter." (something like that anyway)

or the one that should have ended it for good, but I gave him another chance was when I was hanging out with my SO and another guy FRIEND, he said

"Well you have 2 guys here" implying that I had the intent to sleep with them and didn't need him there.

Anyway, you get the idea. That explains why I'm a bit over emotional right now. So I apologize again for what I said to you earlier. ;) And I accept your olive branch.

Ariakas 04-19-2010 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by samaki82 (Post 27036)
"I love certain parts of you."

ummmm...wow...

Quote:

"You know what I want, but it doesn't matter." (something like that anyway)
This is an insecurity response. I do this to when I am trying to hide my true emotions without communicating them. We feel like we aren't "supposed" to feel or communicate. So we bottle it up and respond with stupid statements like this. My wife goes along with it, our best friend (arg still hard) beats me up when I do this. She never lets me get away with self despising statements like this.

Quote:

or the one that should have ended it for good, but I gave him another chance was when I was hanging out with my SO and another guy FRIEND, he said

"Well you have 2 guys here" implying that I had the intent to sleep with them and didn't need him there.
He has insecurities. I know when I talk to my wife about how she is feeling insecure all I can do is try to convince her it is not a puzzle I am trying to match together by finding one tetris piece (girl a) and a second tetris piece (girl b) and build the perfect tetris girl. The two people I have fallen in love with, I fell in love with because of my feelings for them. It had nothing to do with "completing me"

I don't if you needed to end it for good, but he needs to figure out how to be secure in your relationship with him and potential relationships without him :)

Your addiction to NRE (new relationship energy) is common. Its almost drug like in its addiction and can be equally awesome and toxic...

samaki82 04-19-2010 11:44 PM

He definitely had his fair share of insecurites. In both his long term mono relationships, the girl cheated on him, so it was somewhat understandable. The thing that always bothered me was that I was completely honest and open from the beginning so he knew what he was getting into. I know it was still hard for him because he had never experienced that type of relationship/situation before. I actually never really "ended" it. He talked with me over IM and basically ended it that way. He said he wanted to be friends and that it was too hard for him because it wasn't what he really wanted; which was to be with me and only me. It was all about the future with him. He wanted marriage and kids and to have a future with that person. I wish he would have figured that out earlier so everyone involved would not have gotten hurt. I guess the experience itself was something to be grateful for, even if it's ended somewhat badly.

As far as the new relationship chemicals, it's nice to hear that that's common. I felt like something was wrong with me because I had those feelings and couldn't just be satisfied with what I had. It certainly spices up the sex life though! ;)

Breathesgirl 04-20-2010 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by samaki82 (Post 27043)
It certainly spices up the sex life though! ;)

Tell me about it! We've recently come out of a very, VERY hard time because we didn't get closure with our last V. This lack of closure, & way too much NRE, caused a heck of a lot of lack of sex!

samaki82 04-20-2010 12:12 AM

I'm sorry to hear that it ended badly and the fact that it affected your sex life as well. It certainly doesn't make you want to be intimate with your partner when you've both had to go through those emotions of being in and ending the other relationship with no real closure. :P

SchrodingersCat 04-20-2010 12:16 AM

I'm not seeing the reason why it would be your last?

As you mentioned, the other guy was a poor communicator. So if your first boyfriend ever had been a poor communicator, would you have sworn off dating for good?

One idea for next time could be to take it more slowly and getting a feel for his communication skills before it gets too far.

More importantly, how did it go for you and the boyfriend of 6 1/2 years?

One of the great things about poly is you can have "NRE" (new relationship energy) while maintaining the comfortable stability of a long-term relationship.

If your ideal setup is the one long-term relationship with a series of side flings, I would probably suggest being honest about that with any new partners: that you're not looking for a second long-term relationship. That way they're not investing too much long-term energy into something only to have the rug pulled out.


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