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thenewgirl79 07-21-2012 07:23 AM

many questions...
 
i have dated women and men in the past. never at the same time. i used to consider myself mono and prided myself in being faithful. now, i have been married to a man for 4 years and only been with him sexually for all of them and find myself missing a woman's companionship. I have this huge yearning for a girlfriend. My husband and i have discussed this and i beleive i am capable of sharing a relationship with my husband since, after all, by my standards it would be unfair if i could be with her and he couldnt. the problem i am having is this:

i have the perfect husband and the perfect marriage, i dont want to ruin anything we have together. i have a fear of falling in love with the other woman since emotions are what drive me sexually. however, i am scared my husband will also fall in love with her...or her with him. i want to shared relationship with another woman but do not want to share his heart.
is that even possible?
do you think i will get more comfortable with them loving each other after it actually happens?

i dont want to sound selfish about my husband's love. he is a very amazing man and i've never met anyone like him. i just want to always feel more special to him than any other woman...

i want to ask all the right questions before i actually find the perfect woman for me/us because i dont want to get in the middle of an emotional relationship with the woman and then decide "no not working". i am a "life partner" type person. i have never dated anyone i didnt try to make it work for life.

so...any help or kind suggestions would be nice please.

Lovescribe 07-21-2012 08:19 AM

Hey, I was in exactly the same situation! One day I just realised that I couldn't go on pretending I was not missing anything. I also have a fantastic husband, and I was so afraid he would not understand...
I was also apprehensive about how I would feel about his possible love interest, or if I would be capable of being in a triad. Turns out the fear was way worse than reality. The first time he told me about a woman he was interested in, I did feel a little bit jealous, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming love and understanding and feeling of a great connection...
Polyamory doesn't mean you give up having a life partner, or that you will become less special. How could you? He will still share the same memories with you, and you will still understand each other in a unique way. He won't suddenly become a different man, some kind of casual boyfriend. His love for you won't diminish unless there is some other reason unrelated to polyamory. Besides - isn't trust the greatest thing you can ever give to someone? By allowing each other your freedom, you profess your love in the best way possible.
But I understand, of course. It's the wretched self-esteem thing, isn't it? :)

Phy 07-21-2012 08:40 AM

To me, it sounds like you are searching for a relationship more on the swinger level. Physical interaction - yes, emotional attachment - no. That is possible for some but not all. But if you search for love and want to plan in advance who is going to fall for whom ... that will be a recipe for drama. You can't plan emotions and feelings. Search a bit for traid, unicorn or boundaries around here. There are many experiences and problem related stories. Maybe you will get something out of them.

JaneQSmythe 07-21-2012 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 (Post 144669)
i have a fear of falling in love with the other woman since emotions are what drive me sexually. however, i am scared my husband will also fall in love with her...or her with him. i want to shared relationship with another woman but do not want to share his heart.
is that even possible?

For me this is the crux of the matter - one that deserves a lot of consideration. The generally accepted definition of "polyamory" is the concept of "many loves". There are other forms of non-monogamy where people structure there relationships to attempt to avoid emotional entanglement - swinging, "open relationships".

For me, personally, a relationship that isn't free to evolve into whatever it can be is not a "full" relationship and if that is what you decide that you are seeking I think you need to be very clear with your potential partners with what the limits are that you are seeking. A common theme that I see in these threads is that people enter into "poly" type situations thinking that they can control their (or other people's) emotional responses and therefore limit their relationships to "nonthreatening" scenarios. This may be possible but I don't know how well that always works out. Feelings happen. People often become emotionally attached to people that they are in relationships with - for many of us that is sort of the point.

So, I think that if you are NOT looking for a "sex only" version of non-monogamy you do have to come to terms with the fact that it is quite possible that your husband could/would "fall in love" with any woman that you "share a relationship" with. If you don't feel that is something that you can consider you may need to reconsider what it is that you are seeking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 (Post 144669)
i just want to always feel more special to him than any other woman...

Just wanting to point out that it is possible for more than one person to be "more special" to another person in different ways - each person is unique, you don't love each person in exactly the same way. It is not necessarily a competition...

GalaGirl 07-21-2012 10:04 AM

Quote:

i have the perfect husband and the perfect marriage, i dont want to ruin anything we have together.
Ok. So what would be "ruin?" Failure to communicate? Divorce? You make him breakfast one day and accidentally kill him with waffles?

I joke to keep it light, but I'm serious about this part -- Please articulate/explain "ruin" to yourself. Face the fear of "ruin" -- because often fear of the unknown leads to a lot of inner crazymaking.

Quote:

i have a fear of falling in love with the other woman since emotions are what drive me sexually.
And what drives THAT fear? That if you fall in love with her, somehow this changes/negates the love for you husband?

Quote:

however, i am scared my husband will also fall in love with her...or her with him.
This is a possibility too. And you cannot hack that risk being on the table, or think about how to deal with it if it happens, don't open the door.

On the flip side... talk these fears over with DH and examine them within yourself. What is the fear speaking to?

Quote:

i want to shared relationship with another woman but do not want to share his heart. Is that even possible?
What does that all mean to you? "shared relationship" -- like fuckbuddies? We share sex? But not cohabitation? Not deep friendship? What?

You want to hard swing? You want to be the hinge in a "V" and hope it ends up where the metas (DH and GF) are just friends?

You cannot control people's feelings. Not even your own. You feel what you feel when you feel it. You can only control how to respond -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

So ask DH that question -- since theoretical GF is not around to ask yet. "what if you fell for her too and I state at this point I fear it. Would you tell me your feelings? Would you keep it from me? Would you want to act on it and see where it goes? Would you be ok NOT acting on a desire of your own so that I don't have to deal with going there? Would that cause resentment of me? What if you say no resentment NOW but later feel the pressure. How would you want to negotiate a change in the agreement fairly?"

So far nothing has changed, there is not a GF around.

But you have opportunity here to face and talk these fears out with DH. You have opportunity here to learn about yourself and learn about DH.

Me? I just ask mine all kinds of things and expect him to just think about it and tell me his POV. It's one of the sides to all this I enjoy. Plumbing his depths further. But I get off on the mindfuck -- "hon, what if...
  • I KNEW you'd say that. (feel smug I know him so well)
  • Haha, I threw you a stumper. (feel smug I stumped him into thinking)
  • Really? I never thought of that/expected you to say that. (feel amused after all this time I don't know him all they way across -- he can surprise me. Or he makes me to trip on something in me that I thought I knew well about myself but tada -- doubletake!)
  • Sounds like that would be a limit for you then. Thanks for sharing that.

Quote:

do you think i will get more comfortable with them loving each other after it actually happens?
No. I think you will get more comfortable with the possibility of them loving each other once you do the inner work in you.

You want to put it off til AFTER it happens, that's a choice. Kinda avoidy -- like "oh, damn. Now I HAVE to deal with this thing. I have no choice. Aaaahh!"

But you did. You simply chose not to choose, not to act with intent and purpose ahead of time. You are here writing about it, so can't claim it snuck up on ya.
(Sometimes things do in polyship, validly. But don't use "I didn't think about it!" as the cop out to "I didn't WANT to think about it!")

The real phrasing would be "Oh, damn. Now I HAVE to deal with this thing. I was hoping to avoid thinking about it or doing anything about it by ignoring it and hoping it would never come to pass. Crap. Now I have to hold my own bag and I'm not liking it. New choice opportunity -- deal with it at last well, deal with it like a brat, or refuse to deal with it still and reap that THAT choice brings me."

Me? I rather do the inner temperature checks and mental adjustments and talks with DH now. Because later, I have to do same with new partner person and honestly? Since if I open up again I have to do it anyway with BOTH on many tiers? May as well get it over with on the DH side because he's HERE to get on the same page with already. Whether we open up again or not, the talk lead to greater emotional intimacy with him. So it's a win for me either way -- stay closed? I get greater emotional intimacy with him, fantasy fodder, and titillation. Open up? I have all the above PLUS the DH legwork done or well in place before moving on to the rest of the polymath.

All polyships contain within it many other "mini relationships" that make up the whole and a ding in any tier can spew emotional vomit on the rest. That is the risk reality. Joys in any tier can create joys elsewhere. That is the risk ideal/hope.

Quote:

i dont want to sound selfish about my husband's love. he is a very amazing man and i've never met anyone like him. i just want to always feel more special to him than any other woman...
And HOW would he be showing you that you are special to him? Because that you can quantify and list so he can do these things to show you his esteem of you in the way you prefer.

But then you have to own this bag -- say he does every item on your list. And you still don't feel special enough. Are you going to face the inner work of WHY you do not feel special yet? Or make the poor man go on and on and on trying to please in a quarter where he actually has no control.

He cannot control how you feel. YOU cannot control how you feel when you feel it. You can only decide to react or act with intent in response to emotion. So the work is your bag -- "He is doing all I ask and I still do not feel special. Did I not articulate all my wants and needs? Am I holding an unreasonable expectation? Am I feeling anxiety and letting this color my world? Am I feeling depression? Anger? Am I being an emotionally avoidy person -- expecting him to make it all better when really I have some stuff in my bag to unpack and drop and leave behind me because it no longer serves me well?"

Quote:

i want to ask all the right questions before i actually find the perfect woman for me/us because i dont want to get in the middle of an emotional relationship with the woman and then decide "no not working". i am a "life partner" type person. i have never dated anyone i didnt try to make it work for life.
Yay. So keep on thinking it out before you even go there.

What if this woman dumps YOU because it isn't working for her any more? She's not a thing, she's a real being, even if not yet in your life. So how will you cope with the break up when the shoe is on the other foot? Thought that out yet?

So what if DH is willing to try and things are swimmingly well on your polymath tier of you + GF. Then he trips on the tier of DH to (you+GF) and doesn't want to hold his own bag and wants you to dump her. Do you dump her if he refuses to do his own bag work? Dump him for being emotionally avoidy? Support them in unpacking their own bags and assessing what they need to keep/lose but NOT get sucked into doing their work for them or carrying their baggage for them? Are you good with boundaries or weak? Where's your limit in baggage?

Again -- GF is not actually here to ask. But DH is. Sort out your baggage -- what you can of it now BEFORE you open up.

Every relationship has rights and responsibilities. Define and articulate to yourselves what yours are. Here's mine. So far DH and I continue strong, and my OSO and I? Enjoyed a long good run and parted ways in good terms and with grace. No complaints anywhere -- just a bit of sadness at the parting but it was a great parting. And a little bittersweet? That made the joys that much more delicious. We took a risk, kept it real, flew that kite as long as it could fly, and enjoyed it.

I cannot ask for more and I'm grateful to both men for flying that polyship with me as well as it did.

People always found it odd that I always ask about exes and breaks up on the first date. It's my litmus.

They either squirm and hem and haw and that tells me all I need to know and I'm out just some time and the cost of my coffee. No big. That's the price I pay in dating world.

Or they laugh when I tell them "Well, I want to know what to expect when WE break up. Because if you are a horrible breaker upper then better off for ME to break up with you after a date or two so your horribleness doesn't upset me too much because I didn't get in too deep. I'll tell you mine -- and you decide if my break up history red flags for ya or not. We could then do a first date breaking up when the date is over with a friendly hug and call it "nice time, not flying this kite beyond this point" and both of us can walk away feeling good it was a decent date, amusing evening, but just not a runner for more than that."

I've already talked to DH many times about how we want out rship to end. Because one day it will. We're hoping it is "death do us part." But we can't see the future so we've already dealt with "So we fall out of love. How do we navigate a good divorce and come out on the other side as good exes and friends and keep it real in the transition?"

If you cannot have that kind of conversation with your DH now before you even open? Don't open. And STILL have that conversation anyway.

GL!
GG

thenewgirl79 07-21-2012 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 144686)
Ok. So what would be "ruin?" Failure to communicate? Divorce? You make him breakfast one day and accidentally kill him with waffles?

I joke to keep it light, but I'm serious about this part -- Please articulate/explain "ruin" to yourself. Face the fear of "ruin" -- because often fear of the unknown leads to a lot of inner crazymaking.


And what drives THAT fear? That if you fall in love with her, somehow this changes/negates the love for you husband?


GL!
GG


thanks for the laugh at first before you broke into the serious note lol.

My fear is complex but stems mostly because i am the only woman he has ever loved. when i met him he was a gamer nerd who didnt get out much to meet women and i was the only one in 3 years to even express an interest in him verbally. So, in fact, he was also a virgin. I had no idea any of these things when we first met or when i first started flirting. After i found out i got scared and tried to back out because i thought "wow, he deserves to have more special first than some gamer chick her met a week ago" But, he wouldnt let me back down and he pursued a relationship with me.

over our relationship i have always had an unintentional sense of pride in his love. It's like somehow in my mind his love his "perfect" because he never suffered the heartache of a breakup before me. He never suffered the walls and insecurity of giving his heart to anyone else before me so it wasnt wounded or in pieces. And i have prided myself in being good enough to have never hurt his love for me.

Because he is so special to my heart, it makes me want to share something i never shared with any other man or woman. But, i dont want to risk hurting what we have meaning...i am scared if i fall in love with another woman it may hurt my husbands feels. He has reassured me it won't but the fear is there. I have never hurt my husband and affraid to now. The fact that i have experienced what happens to a relationship after a significant other gets hurt and he hasnt makes it hard for my mind to wrap around how sure he is that if i fell for another woman it would not hurt his heart. what if he is wrong and he doesnt find out til the jealousy sets in deep?

i am not affraid of losing him. He is too loyal and devoted to go anywhere. Plus, i know what i have to offer him and theres not a lot of women these days who could know him the way i do. My fear is hurting the "us" i know us as now with jealousy. Because i dont want to accidentally show the other woman in our lives more affection and i dont want him to either. But like you said earlier, some things are involuntary.

I was really tired last night when i wrote my post, so my lack of detail makes me understand how someone implied a sexual fling with another woman. No, that is not something i have ever really enjoyed. i dont want to have sex with someone i dont care about. I want a "life partner". To me you can love someone deeply without falling in love. Love is a devotion not just an emotion. It takes work and people who genuinely want to make it work. It forms a best friendship and trust and emotions that could lead to falling in love. But, that doesnt mean it always will. I don't want unattached sex with some random girl who could care less who or what i am. In a sense i have no problem with him loving someone else, so long as she doesnt reach the specialness i have achieved in his heart. And this probably stems from getting hurt in the past by every guy except for him. So in the past i have been more emotionally attached to women than men. And my husband broke that part of me without even trying. I've been attached only to him for years and more-so that i have felt for any other man.

a close friend of mine calls what i want a "unicorn". I dont know if thats the correct term or not. i want a relationship with a girl that is more special than any other girl from my past. i miss the companionship of a best female friend and have limited how close i let myself get to women over the years to avoid falling for one of them. this was because i didnt want to hurt my husband. But, as i mentioned before, he assured me it wouldnt hurt him. So, i am trying to work up the courage to allow myself to feel that closeness with a woman again. I want my husband to be free to love her as i love her. I just dont want anyone feel hurt or neglected. the biggest reason i do not want him "falling in love" with another woman is because i cannot control if she hurts him. i can only control if i do. and the last thing i ever want is my husband feeling the hurt of a relationship like i have

AnnabelMore 07-21-2012 09:08 PM

"a close friend of mine calls what i want a "unicorn". I dont know if thats the correct term or not."

It is, yes, when it comes to common poly terminology, in that you're seeking a new partner to share with your existing partner. Aside from being difficult to find (thus "unicorn"), this can present a number of problems. You've already identified one, which is that you may not be comfortable with them sharing love as well as sex, and in the end there is no way to stop that from happening if it's going to happen. Another potential problem is that she may develop a much stronger relationship with one of you than the other, which can lead to jealousy. What would you do, for instance, if you and she break up... would you insist that he and she break up as well?

We discussed these issues thoroughly on this thread, it may be useful to you: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23779

I would also strongly recommend this resource: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

If what you're seeking is fairness, rather than assuming that the best way to achieve this is for the two you to be involved with the same woman, consider the possibility of leaving the option open for him to find his own girlfriend. I get that this seems like it would cause more jealousy issues than "sharing" a girlfriend, but in fact it seems to cause far less in most cases.

Best of luck!

thenewgirl79 07-21-2012 09:32 PM

ooo the more than two link is a very good read thanks :)

thenewgirl79 07-23-2012 02:56 PM

thank u guys for all of ur help and unbiased replies. the more i talk to my husband to more comfortable i am with everything. my worries are melting away :)

GalaGirl 07-25-2012 03:03 AM

Glad to hear it!

I find it is just so much easier to own my anxiety and spit it out to DH and get it from the horse's mouth than what if myself to a tempest.

You were brave and learned something new -- WTG! :)

GG


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