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-   -   New and rather lost... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25822)

Finnglas 07-20-2012 09:38 PM

New and rather lost...
Hi :) Very very new... hmmm, where to start...

Well, I'm 25, been with my partner for five years now, I think we're pretty much permanent, it's quite weird... he's wonderful, and love him, and he doesn't care that I that I'm also madly in love with my best friend, which makes me love him even more. I guess you could say I'm not exactly 'practising poly'- I'm a sufferer from that great affliction Unrequited Love, which makes me rather chary of getting emotionally close to anyone other than my partner. However, while my partner is monogamous (apparently I'm all he needs) I do sleep with other women from time to time, which adds a delightful frisson of guilt to my already quite tangled moral compass. Being brought up with strict Christian values can mess with a girl's head...

...so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I saw this forum mentioned in a magazine article, and thought it might do my confusion some good if I spent some time talking to other folks who know a bit more about where I'm coming from... and maybe sort out what I think I'm thinking!

X Finnglas X

kdt26417 07-20-2012 09:54 PM

Hi Finnglas,
Welcome to our forum.

There sure is a wealth of stuff to read here, so use the search feature, tags, and just browsing around to see what interests you. If you have any questions, post and let us know!

I'm glad you're here.
Kevin T.

Finnglas 07-22-2012 01:02 AM

Thank you for the welcome, Kevin! I'm looking forward to finding my way around, I've never spoken to anyone who was also polyamorous, or even researched it really, I come as a blank slate to learn and hopefully make some new friends on the way :)

lovefromgirl 07-22-2012 02:26 AM

Finnglas, is your partner aware of your other lovers?

snowmelt 07-22-2012 02:59 AM

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of different emotions, and you're not sure what they are trying to tell you about yourself. In other words, it sounds like you're not really sure who you are and what you want. You just "happen" to trip over your current partner 5 years ago and said to yourself:

"Hey, being with him works good enough".

My suggestion is to take some time and really explore yourself internally. Theoretically forget about your partner and everyone else in your life you are romantic and sexual with. Forget about poly too - just for a moment or two of contemplative time.

While you're doing this, ask yourself who you are and what you want from life. It sounds to me like you haven't found the answers to those questions yet. Its hard to ask a lover to give you something when you don't know what that something is. Its hard for anyone to give you something when you don't know what to ask them for.

nycindie 07-22-2012 03:07 AM

Hey, what magazine article brought you here? Please share a link, if it's online. Thanks!

Finnglas 07-22-2012 07:34 AM


Originally Posted by lovefromgirl (Post 144811)
Finnglas, is your partner aware of your other lovers?

Yes, he is- his stance on the subject has been 'I don't get jealous- so do whatever makes you happy.'

The guilt is something that's pretty much nearly gone- it stems from me having really bad self-esteem that I'm currently working my way out of, which for a very long time has meant that I've been unhappy with my other half having outside relationships, physical or otherwise- in paranoia that he'll want/love them more than me, and I'll be left in the dust. I know this is ridiculous, my logical brain tells me it is ;) and sure enough, now that I'm working my way out of the low-self-esteem (with much aid from my lovely other half) I feel much happier with the idea of him having other lovers. From the way we've talked about it though, he seems decidedly monogamous, but likes to hear about my 'adventures'. I say 'seems', because he may have been saying that to make me feel better at a time when I couldn't have coped with hearing otherwise, I'm going to start opening up the subject again now that my head's on the way to being sorted out :)

Snowmelt, thank you for your advice, that's what I'm trying to do at the moment. Unfortunately it has to be internal, due to (among other things) financial issues, I can't physically distance myself from a lot of it, but I'm taking some time to think about how I really feel and trying to talk some things out with close friends.

And Nycindie, it was from... I believe... either an article or a reply to an Agony Aunt question in Diva magazine, which I flick through from time to time

snowmelt 07-22-2012 12:13 PM


Originally Posted by Finnglas (Post 144827)
Unfortunately it has to be internal

Why is this unfortunate? Whether its uncomfortable for you to go there, or its hard for you to find quiet time, inside yourself is the only place you're going to find your answers. I would first look at why you see looking inside you as an unfortunate thing to have to do. I've have a lot of practice looking inside myself. Its where I get my balance, peace, and self esteem. I know no one else can give me any of that. Its not anyone else's job. I can quiet myself and look within at a crowded party. I have.

I was once at a party and started to mentally drift off somewhere else. When I do that, it tells me I'm getting bored with whatever is going on around me, or there is a task I have to do and its front and center in my mind. Someone I know well came over and commented about me drifting off. In their own opinion "all they did was point it out". He made the assumption that when I decide to go to a party I have to "stay" there the whole time, so it must be rude to drift. I happen to think that telling me I'm doing something that I choose to do and already know I'm doing is useless and rude.

The healthy assumption under those circumstances needs to be I am doing it for myself, so that obviously means I need do it for myself. In turn, that obviously means it must be the right thing to do. In my opinion, looking at things this way is a part of true self esteem.

I told him if he has something to say that's worth coming back for, to let me know. I said it very casually and respectfully, the same way you would ask a host where the bathroom is.

My point with all of this is - do what you truly need to do for you. Feels weird? In a world where the norm is that everyone tells you what you need to do for them, it is weird to them. So what? Do it anyway. Whatever that is, if it is truly for you and not against someone or done in anger, it has to be a good thing. No one else besides you has to know that.

Finnglas 07-22-2012 12:29 PM

That's not exactly what I meant. I'm in quite a difficult situation as regards my home life- my partner and I rent our room in his parents' house, as we're trying to clear our overdrafts so we can have a shot at buying a house rather than jumping on the 'rent a flat forever' bandwagon- this means life is a little stressed and crowded right now!

Ideally I'd get away from it all completely and live on my own for a bit to get my head together, but that would mean undoing all the hard work we've put in so far- and I do know that I genuinely want to be with this man, probably for the rest of my life.

I'm just going to have to try to concentrate on creating my own little corner of zen in someone else's house, and commune with nature more to let myself think :) I ended up doing that today quite by accident- due to a monetary slip up I had to walk four miles home through bits of woodland and cornfields, and I arrived home feeling quite at peace with the world.

kdt26417 07-22-2012 04:59 PM

Sounds like you're getting things figured out as best you can under the circumstances.

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