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-   -   Getting Back Together With Exes (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2580)

SchrodingersCat 04-16-2010 10:59 PM

Getting Back Together With Exes
 
A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones. Sure "people change" and it is theoretically possible that given enough time, both people will change enough to become "a whole new person" but by the time they grow that much, their romantic interests tend to change as well.

idealist 04-17-2010 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 26821)
A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones.

I hear the logic and reason in this statement, but it doesn't apply to me and I would assume that for anyone like me who simply is not wired for monogamy, this statement might not apply to them either. My relationships broke up because we were trying to label them as "lifetime monogamous" relationships and I can't seem to sustain a relationship more than 3 years with that label on it.

But the relationships themselves were good, healthy, open, honest and full of trust and respect. That's why I still see 5 of my ex's. I'm not sexual with one of them, but he wants me to go on a cruise with him, so who knows what might happen!!!

vandalin 04-17-2010 03:56 PM

Quote:

A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones. Sure "people change" and it is theoretically possible that given enough time, both people will change enough to become "a whole new person" but by the time they grow that much, their romantic interests tend to change as well.
I guess I get to be one of those exceptions as well. Cajun and I broke up for 10 months. I moved back to IL (400 miles away) and even started dating someone else (at the insistence of friends and family). The reason for our breakup was because he "could not see us being married."

We are going on 4 years this coming Thursday. We had both grown enough to know that we still wanted to be together. I had grown enough to take better care of myself. He had grown enough to accept that things don't always turn out the way he wants but they can still be wonderful.

I know you said that your idea goes for "most second runs" and that it is "theorectically possible to change" to become a whole new person, but sometimes (as in our case) no one has to become a whole new person, they might have things to work on, but not everything, and it doesn't always have to take that long.

Sorry for the slight hijack...

SchrodingersCat 04-18-2010 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 26853)
I hear the logic and reason in this statement, but it doesn't apply to me and I would assume that for anyone like me who simply is not wired for monogamy, this statement might not apply to them either. My relationships broke up because we were trying to label them as "lifetime monogamous" relationships and I can't seem to sustain a relationship more than 3 years with that label on it.

But the relationships themselves were good, healthy, open, honest and full of trust and respect. That's why I still see 5 of my ex's. I'm not sexual with one of them, but he wants me to go on a cruise with him, so who knows what might happen!!!

I see what you're saying... that before you realized you were poly, you were trying to fit in a mould that just was't sustainable for you. Now that you've broken out of the mould, some of those relationships may still have some value, but in a new poly context.

That makes sense.

I suppose what I had in mind was more things like, you treat me badly, or I just don't love you anymore, or I want kids and you don't, or we're just too completely different..... There must be some former lovers in your lives, Idealist and vandalin, with whom you broke up with for reasons other than monogamy-not-working, people that you would have broken up with even in a poly arrangement... Think back to high school and college if you have to. Those were the kinds of breakups I had in mind with my post... And those are the kinds of relationships I can't understand picking up again.

I also know there are couples that just don't work having their lives so intertwined, but are great as "special friends" who might be on-again-off-again for decades, even in a monogamy context (i.e. they date when they're both single, and stop when one of them partners up).

I'm all for the "see what happens" type of friendship/relationship. Those are my favourite. I never like to force things or put labels for the sake of labels. Of course, the bottom line is, if it makes you happy and no one's getting hurt, then it's the right thing for you to do at that point in your life.

[[this is an interesting subject, I wouldn't mind having these 4 posts split off into a new topic if a Mod would be willing]]

NeonKaos 04-19-2010 12:23 PM

bump

Ariakas 04-19-2010 01:56 PM

My only counter point would be time. You can change a lot over years. I am a very very different person than what i was at 25...and even more different than what I was at 20. There are chances that they have changed enough where those differences are long gone.

I would love to meet my ex from age 23. She was one of those changing moments in life, and I think we could still hit it off now. She was headed down a path of change as well, you just never know how close you might come.

MonoVCPHG 04-19-2010 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 26970)
You can change a lot over years. I am a very very different person than what i was at 25...and even more different than what I was at 20. .

I agree with this. People I knew for years are quite open about the changes they have seen in me. I am a much more self aware person and have a greater understanding of how I work in many regards. I am also a much more socially conscience and accepting person. Because of the experiences I have had, (some amazing, some terrible) I would be a much better partner for my ex wife now than I ever was.

Redpepper get sthe new and improved me :)

LovingRadiance 04-19-2010 10:06 PM

Time is a big factor,
also just flat experience.
To some degree time allows for experience.
But time doesn't guarantee experience.

Some people gain a LOT of experiences in one area where as another person gains little to none in that area in the same time frame.

I KNOW I'm a much better person now then I was before.
I have no interest in being with any of my exes currently-but I know that because I AM in touch with them....

SchrodingersCat 04-19-2010 11:31 PM

I just wonder, when two people "grow" but their lives are no longer intimately involved, do they not tend to grow in different directions? And at different rates?

So two people may have connected on some levels when they were younger. Then they live different lives and face different challenges, and when they meet years later, I would expect them to have even more differences than when they broke up.

But maybe not? I'm too young to have experience with that :) Maybe all people grow at different rates but eventually end up at pretty much the same place? They do say that people become more conservative with age, for example.

idealist 04-20-2010 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 27037)
But maybe not? I'm too young to have experience with that :) Maybe all people grow at different rates but eventually end up at pretty much the same place? They do say that people become more conservative with age, for example.

I think age is creating our differing veiwpoints. I am 52 years old (maybe more than twice your age). I was pretty much the same in my 20's.... not much changing going on. But, I started changing a lot in my 30's. (I was in a monogamous lesbian relastionnship during that time.) I also went to a lot of therapy and did an incredible amount of group therapy and recovery work during that period of my life. I left my lesbian lifestyle at the age of 40, and that is when I began to accumulate my current group of male lovers. :D Didn't know that was what I was doing at the time. I thought I was looking for "the one" :rolleyes: and only got involved with people who had a similar level of consciousness......people who were honest and that I had a great deal of respect for. The trust developed in time, and an incredible amount of love and attachment.....but, looking back...... it was the monogamy that eventually broke us up.... It was the realization that "the one" isn't real for me.


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