My intro and poly story
Hi all ... I've been around a while here (about a year) and never introduced myself. Here's my story ...
I've been in a poly relationship for a year now. There's me (36), married to my husband D (34) for almost 13 years. I have a boyfriend C (37) that I've been with this last time for a year.
I say "this last time" because C was my first real high school boyfriend, complete with the mad passionate feelings characteristic of teenage love. But it was more than that -- he was my best friend, we were so connected. We dated for a while in college. One thing led to another, mostly because I was 19 and very immature, and we parted ways. But I always had feelings for him, always had a connection to him in my heart, even after we were reacquainted when I started dating my husband (who had remained his friend) and C had a long-term girlfriend.
Life happened, with all of its ups and downs. D and I got married, C broke up with his girlfriend, D and I moved away. C went through a very dark period in his life where he isolated himself and D and I lost touch with him. We didn't know if he was alive or dead, he'd hidden himself so well. But I always cared about him and always wondered if he was happy, always thought about him in my heart.
Last year, D and I started talking about opening up our marriage. We were solid - yes, we had ups and downs, huge fights and many many happy times, just like any married couple. Most of our problems seemed to center around sex and D not feeling like he was getting enough affection from me. I love D, he has always been one of my very best friends (and I haven't had many friends who I'd put on that level in my life), he's a wonderful husband, a compassionate listener, a solid provider. It's just that spark of passion had waned over the years. D was a virgin when we started dating -- I'm the only person he's ever been with. I didn't have much more experience than he did, but one of the most passionate sexual relationships I'd ever had was with C.
So, the open marriage subject came up because of a trip I took to Italy without D. On the trip, I met a man on a ferry who rocked my world. He spoke no English, I spoke no Italian. Nothing happened beyond conversation, but a spark was lit inside me that I forgot even existed. He made me feel so attractive, so wanted. I couldn't wait to tell D about the experience. When I talked to him about it, I assured him nothing even remotely sexual happened. He surprised me by asking "Why not?"! One thing led to another and we started talking about how we'd feel if one of us did have experiences with someone outside of our marriage. We discovered we'd be okay with that, even if we were to have a strong emotional connection with someone else. We both read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut and decided that polyamory was something worth doing for the new experiences and connections it would bring to our lives. D was excited to get some new and different sexual experience and I was happy he would have that chance.
About a month or so after my trip and after our poly decision, C reappeared and reached out to us on Facebook. Keep in mind it had been 7 years since we had heard from him. The second I saw him on Facebook, a flood of emotion and feelings hit me. I still loved this man. The three of us started chatting and emailing and we invited him to come visit. I discussed with D beforehand that I had these feelings and got his blessing to pursue a relationship with C if he wanted it. Keep in mind that C was/is one of D's closest friends since high school, so D was really happy that my first experience outside our marriage would be with someone he knew and trusted so well. We thought that would ease the passage a bit.
While C was visiting, he and I got into some long, deep conversations about our past, polyamory, and my feelings for him. He admitted he still loved me as well. We started a very intense relationship, even more intense and passionate than when we were kids because of all the richness of our adult experiences we brought to it that we just weren't capable of back then. It progressed to the point where I consider him my second husband, my co-primary, whatever you want to call it. C became just as important in my life as D.
Every fairy tale has a cloud, however. D had/has a LOT of insecurity, despite the bond he shared with C. There were a lot of fights, tense moments, arguments, discussions, mostly stemming from the lack of parity he felt in the way I related to C sexually. He didn't feel I wanted him physically as much as I wanted C. I admit that I didn't handle D very well; I was very heavily caught up in NRE and the giddiness of having C back in my life and, yes, I had/have a lot more desire for C than I do for D. We've been together for 14 years, married for 13. We always managed to work things out, though, after a lot of reassurance and love and kindness on my part and D would get to a good place again, though.
About 4 months into the relationship, we invited C to move in with us. It was wonderful to have him so close, physically and emotionally, and for the most part we've managed to make our poly family work. There have been ups and downs, huge fights, and many many happy moments. I want this to last forever, and I'm sure the other two do as well. I love my two men with my entire body, mind, and soul.
Right now, though, we're going through a very confusing and scary time, which I've posted about in the Poly Relationships Corner. Any insight anyone can give is most appreciated. Despite being poly for a year, we're still so green we glow.
Thanks for reading!
Welcome to our forum.
I posted on your other thread, and noticed many other people have posted as well and gave good advice. So take advantage of that, you'll want to start working on things right away, and not wait for them to get worse.
You do have rights, and you should speak up when you have a want or need. C and D should be doing likewise. Communication tends to be easier when it's done sooner rather than later. And communication is probably the most crucial part of this puzzle.
I hope all three of you will have some emotional relief soon.
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