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-   -   Well that was a dead end (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25746)

LostInCanada 07-18-2012 06:40 PM

Well that was a dead end
 
I asked my boyfriend if he would consider having a relationship with the guy we've been talking to, and whom he wants to be his friend with benefits. His response? A resounding no. But, then here's the kicker. He wants the guy to be only with him sexually. I told him that he can't expect him to just fuck him and be happy, especially when he's bicurious. I told him he's gonna probably want to be with a girl at some point. To which my boyfriend replied that that's fine as long as we know who it is and that he gets tested. Ok, well that's fair enough I thought. But then he adds on that he definitely doesn't want me and the other guy to be together sexually. I wish I could open up his mind some more, but for the time being it seems to be completely closed shut.

PolyCNYM 07-18-2012 06:50 PM

Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.

LostInCanada 07-18-2012 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyCNYM (Post 144151)
Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.

No this is what initially going to happen. My boyfriend and the new guy would sleep together and the new guy and I would be friends and nothing more. The only time I would join in would be to watch them or have my boyfriend have sex with me while he got fucked by the other guy, or let the other guy watch us have sex. Of course I wasn't expecting to get along with the new guy so much or for us to kinda "click" I guess you could say. I mean I would still be ok with all of that happening, despite my little crush. But if that's going to happen I don't think my boyfriend should expect the new guy to just be like "oh yeah, that's fine and I won't have sex with anyone else or try to find someone for myself". That's just stupid and selfish.

Also I don't get why he won't let the guy have sex with me, but he's ok with him watching me masturbate. That makes absolutely no sense in my head. But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous. And yes, he said guys as in plural, but he wants me and the new guy to just be with him. I'm now frustrated.

Marcus 07-18-2012 07:47 PM

Double Standard
 
That does sound frustrating. PolyCYNM is still right though, you two need to sit down and talk. Though it sounds like you've already told each other what you wanted - only you were told "no, you can't have what you want".

I'm not sure what to recommend beyond making sure that you are completely unambiguous about your desires. After that, if you are still required to be monogamous and you want to be otherwise - it sounds like a change is in order. At least that's my personal take.

GalaGirl 07-18-2012 08:07 PM

Before you get too much deeper then, renegotiate the terms.

It's perfectly valid to go into a thing and make self discoveries that could change the name of the game. We can't anticipate everything! But the thing to do then is go back to the negotiation table and work out the next working game plan for THIS stage.

Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.

And now BF wants it morphing into something like he wants to have you two but not be closed in his end, yet you all remain mono-closed to him. If that is what you all want and it's your pleasure, yay. If you all have not signed off on that structure for this next stage... he is being very cavalier and presumptuous with his people and their own wants, needs, limits.

Quote:

But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous.
He doesn't just "get" to be with other guys. He wants this, it may not be yours and it needs to be negotiated.

You do not "have" to stay monogamous. This is his want. It may not be yours.

He "hopes" you don't get mad? He may actually hope that. But it is ridiculous to hope someone would be thrilled to have their life dictated to them even down to how they should be feeling!

Or more sinister -- he's not hoping. It's also another order. He gets to be with other guys, you have to stay monogamous, and you cannot be upset by all that. Stat!

Kinda fresh.

GG

LostInCanada 07-18-2012 08:45 PM

Thank you for the responses everyone. I know I do need to talk to him about everything, because I don't know where he got some of these new ideas from. They weren't run by me or the new guy at that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 144164)
Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.

You hit the nail right on the head with this! I was initially hoping for it to be just a closed polyfi V type of relationship between the three of us. It wasn't until I found the right guy that I started wondering if maybe we could have a triad possibly in the future. Because honestly if it wasn't him in particular, I probably would still want just a closed V. And if my boyfriend isn't comfortable with the idea of a closed triad, then I'd still be ok with it just being a V. But now it seems he's putting his needs and wants above the needs and wants of us. I mean he's presuming the new guy will only sleep with him and not want a relationship outside of him for sex or otherwise. And he's presuming that I'll be ok with him sleeping with multiple guys, which I'm not.

We do need to talk, but I think we all need to talk since we're bringing OG into this. He deserves to have his needs and wishes met, as much as we do. I just need to get this through my boyfriend's somewhat thick head.

GalaGirl 07-18-2012 09:13 PM

Quote:

We do need to talk, but I think we all need to talk since we're bringing OG into this. He deserves to have his needs and wishes met, as much as we do.
Yup. Being the hinge person means nothing other than you are the person in common between the arms of the V.

Your hinge wants, needs, limits are not "higher" than the arm people's wants, needs and limits.

You all have to come up with your polyship's rights and responsibilities and how you will play nice together and deal with things when they come up and there's conflict or things need calling into account.

Because life being life, things WILL come up.

Get the expectations laid out, and any assumptions cleared up now while emotional weather is relatively clear and you can set up your polyship framework so you can be in right relationship with each other. Be it in sunny days or through stormy times.

GG

LostInCanada 07-18-2012 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 144197)
Yup. Being the hinge person means nothing other than you are the person in common between the arms of the V.

Your hinge wants, needs, limits are not "higher" than the arm people's wants, needs and limits.

You all have to come up with your polyship's rights and responsibilities and how you will play nice together and deal with things when they come up and there's conflict or things need calling into account.

Because life being life, things WILL come up.

Get the expectations laid out, and any assumptions cleared up now while emotional weather is relatively clear and you can set up your polyship framework so you can be in right relationship with each other. Be it in sunny days or through stormy times.

GG

Thanks for the link. OG is out of town right now on business, but when he gets back I think we should all get together and figure out what will work best for everyone and make everyone happy.

BohemianMLHR81 07-19-2012 07:41 AM

OH HELL NAW! LOL IM AT A LOSS. There are so many things I could say here but.......I respectfully decline!

BohemianMLHR81 07-19-2012 07:48 AM

Oh just one thing is your bf a southern redneck man? This has the pregnant barefoot smell all over it!


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