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-   -   Brand spanking new to Polyamory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2574)

paperbackhead 04-18-2010 08:22 PM

Brand spanking new to Polyamory

I recently met somebody who is polyamorous, she and I (I identify as lesbian) have spent some time together and she has been very upfront about her lifestyle, and is very gentle with me.

She is in a relationship with one other person at the moment, and has voiced that she will make sure Im as comfortable as possible...

So tonight we were chatting and tonight she is spending with [the other person she is in a relationship with] and hinted that they were going to be intimate (something I can totally understand is going to happen, I repect that there relationship is sexual) but being quite new to this, I don't feel comfortable just yet, with this kind of talk... (I want to stress that I know this is going to happen, but maybe I dont want it waved in my face just yet) Im probably being a bit of a wimp, but right now, it's not something I want to be... so [there].. not just yet anyhow...

So I guess, I'm lookign for some advice, I know that when she is available again (she has said if i needed her tonight, she can be there for me) we will talk about this, but I feel like, polyamory is something that I need to also learn about/ discover and feel comfortable with for myself, and I want to be able to form my own views, instead of just hers...

Id really appreciate just some adive in being new to this... and how to find my own way.. not just taking on somebody elses life,so to speak...

Thnaks in advance...

saudade 04-19-2010 07:37 AM

You're doing fine!
First off, pbh, welcome!

Congrats on being so calm and brave about the whole situation. Poly can be scary territory the first time around, and it sounds like you're being mature and reasonable, which to me is a very good sign.

You're definitely right that you should form your own ideas about poly, and do some thinking and experimenting on what works for you. My best advice is to talk about EVERYTHING-- especially how you're feeling and where you feel like you have boundaries-- and to approach it all with an open mind.

Given your moniker (which I think is adorable, btw), I'd guess that recommending some reading material might help. As far as websites go, xeromag.com is a delightful one-- its essays on poly are really wonderful. There's also lots of books out there, and everyone has a different perspective on which one is best; preference seems based on the reader's spiritual and ethical beliefs, so it's hard to say which one will work for you. The most popular texts from what I've seen on here are The Ethical Slut (I say :D), Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits (too New Age for my tastes, but it might be right for you), and Opening Up (which I haven't read yet :(). If you're of a sci-fi bent, then Heinlein's fiction might be inspirational. (As a queer feminist, I need lots of grains of salt before I can handle some of his asides, but poly, sappy me still weeps at the end of his best books.)

There's actually an entire thread on here about reviewing poly texts... I forget where, but I suspect it's easy to find.

Thanks for sharing, and keep posting. We'll be here for you.

Ariakas 04-19-2010 03:27 PM

you definitely need to figure out what is comfortable for you in regards to both potential alone time, rules and time with her. One thing in poly is communication, if you keep that open with the new gf then you should be able to touch on problems before they get out of hand. :)

I would recommend Ethical Slut (I also read a lot of material online, so I find having a paperback redundant), my wife preferred Opening up. And I now know to avoid The New love without limits...(I am not a very new agey type person ahha), will have to get that one for Pengrah though, she is a wee bit on the left side of hippy...

redpepper 04-19-2010 06:00 PM

I see no reason why she needs to tell you when she is going to be intimate with others you know she is already intimate with. That can just be a given in my books, I don't tell my husband every time I am intimate with Mono. I would be talking about it constantly then and he isn't interested. He doesn't tell me when he is intmate with his boyfriend. Its not my business but I will listen if need be, of course. We especially don't talk about details. The only time anyone gets details is if we all have sex together. Or there is a sexual health concern.

I suggest reading a lot on here more than books. For me real life situations are more beneficial.

Derbylicious 04-19-2010 06:07 PM

Some people want to know everything all the time and others don't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you don't want to know every time your partner is intimate with someone else.


paperbackhead 04-19-2010 09:12 PM

Hey, thankyou for the responces, I look forward to reading the suggested material, I also look forward to the experiences im yet to have.

I told her honestly how I felt, and she apologised, and it hasnt been a problem... I think that all it is, is that I'm going to be experiencing some really really new stuff, and she understood and thanked me for saying, 'ok we've hit a boundary for me'...

I really to appreciate the responces, and I again 'look forward' to becoming a part of the community, on here, and out there, hehe. x

LovingRadiance 04-19-2010 10:14 PM

www.xeromag.com -click on polyamory.

www.lovemore.com-find the link for their online magazine, usually some good articles and also check out their site in full.


those are my top suggestions for now.

You can type "polyamory" into google and find a wealth of information to check out.

Also-a number of us have blogs-and we have those links on the bottom of our signatures-shown in every post we make.

SchrodingersCat 04-19-2010 11:48 PM

I'm also in the "I don't want the details" camp. I try to be interested in aspects of my husband's life, his interests and the like, but he doesn't tell me every time he masturbates, why would he tell me every time he has sex? If he starts sleeping with someone new, I want to know about it and get the sexual history just to cover the safety issues, but other than that, I don't need any other details.

So this doesn't make you a wimp or anything. Cuz trust me! Redpepper is no wimp! :D

LovingRadiance 04-20-2010 03:42 AM

I hear you Schroeder!

Maca doesn't have a girlfriend yet. There are some days I would find it quite erotic to hear some (mark that SOME) details.
But there are also days I don't even want to know that he saw a cute girl at the coffee stand! (more of those the first few weeks after surgery, doing much better with it now)!

On the other side of things-he doesn't want to hear ANYTHING about my sexlife with GG.
GG doesn't mind for the most part. He isn't interested in a lot of what Maca and I do-but doesn't much care if I want to talk about it.

We're just all different, have to find our comfort zones. ;)

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