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-   -   talking to the other lovers (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25718)

milagro 07-18-2012 12:58 AM

talking to the other lovers
 
hi everyone,

I recently joined (posted in the newbie thread), and although I haven't commented on any threads yet, I've been reading!

here's my latest conundrum - I'd be grateful for your opinions:

my boyfriend and I are new to poly, and he has had sex with one person since we opened up our relationship. they were friends first, and now she's dating someone else, so they aren't sexual anymore. here's the thing: this girl and my boyfriend have hung out a couple times since having sex, but I haven't seen her since (we'd met before).

Now, she's over here tonight hanging out, and I feel totally awkward. I have no idea how to act around her. I've been hiding out in my bedroom while she, boyfriend, and another girl are sitting in the living room. Is it normal to feel this weird? how do you act in this situation?

GalaGirl 07-18-2012 01:41 AM

How recent a break up? Assuming you have all had time to process this break up, and assuming he cleared her coming over with you before hand and you know what your expected role in this gathering is....

If you agreed to cohost, hiding in your room is bad manners. You have to see to your guests -- be present, check on drinks, offer snacks, make conversation, introduce people who need intros and all that hosting jazz. You discover you not up for this? Don't sign up for this any more in future and make the best of this one time and chalk it up to learning something new.

If he's hosting his friends, you just have to be polite if you pass through to get a drink or bathroom -- you are not obligated to co-host.

If he didn't clear an ex coming over to hang out in your shared home with you, his live-in lover, and you stumble in on this awkward... that's putting you on the spot and in a weird place in your own home and not really looking out for your emotional safety. There's rights and responsibilities in relationships.

You discover you have a limit that you do not want exes hanging around at the house? State this and negotiate the line on it. Chalk it up to learning something new about yourselves on exes limits. Maybe he can hang out with them elsewhere if you are home or hang with them at home when you are out elsewhere. (His home too after all.) Maybe it's a soft limit that you can renegotiate and move the line some when you are more poly experienced and more comfortable. Maybe it's a hard limit line. Who knows. Talk it out with your partner to find the happy medium.

GG


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