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-   -   Mono Wife - Secondary? What? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25686)

pocketpoly86 07-17-2012 02:38 AM

Mono Wife - Secondary? What?
 
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)

KyleKat 07-17-2012 03:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pocketpoly86 (Post 143777)
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)

It's my belief that as your husband, he's made a commitment to you. Why are you being relegated to the lower levels of the house?

As the secondary, are you taking on secondary roles? No longer responsible for chores, bills, etc? Not to pour salt on the wound here but I just don't see the logic here.

LovingRadiance 07-17-2012 04:45 AM

I'd have to say-it's always good to write. Helps a lot to order your mind.

But, for replies-it would be helpful if we had a better picture of the situation.

Welcome to the board.

LadyKane 07-17-2012 04:54 AM

Yes, please expand....

I'm feel like to be able to give sound advice and help in relating to your situation, more information is necessary. But once it's given, I'm sure we would all love to help you sort through things.

Welcome :)

km34 07-17-2012 04:59 AM

For those of you that have been wondering, the beginning to her journey has been posted in the blog section.

Welcome, Pocketpoly, and I hope that you get the support and/or feedback you are looking for from the wonderful people here. Your journey has been and will continue to be an interesting one, I'm sure, so thank you in advance for sharing it with us!

Mommyinthecloset 07-17-2012 12:28 PM

im clearly very new to this but.. secondaries dont have responcibilities? (chores/bills/etc?)

KyleKat 07-17-2012 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommyinthecloset (Post 143821)
im clearly very new to this but.. secondaries dont have responcibilities? (chores/bills/etc?)

There was a discussion on the forums a while back (I'm on my phone so searching for it isn't an option) that discussed the roles of secondaries vs primaries. Basically, what I took away was that a primary was someone you lived with and shared responsibilities such as chores, bills, taking care of any kids, etc. Secondaries, on the other hand, were more like friends or someone you were dating but you weren't super serious with yet. You'll do stuff like to out with them, pay for their meals, whatever, but you wouldn't pay their house or rent payment for them.

Maybe I'm wrong, but to me, that's the difference between a primary and a secondary. I don't expect anyone that is my secondary to be responsible for stuff and don't expect to be held responsible for it either.

Mommyinthecloset 07-17-2012 07:25 PM

ok, don’t take anything I say here the wrong way, not criticizing, just trying to understand.

You said secondary’s are like people you date, but aren’t super serious yet, what if it becomes super serious? do you consider them a second primary? I would have assumed if they move in its serious and I would have assumed bills/rent/etc would start when they move in,

... or do secondary’s get extra benefits (no chores/bills) because they are still seen as a guest even when its serious and long term? Or are secondary’s usually only ok with being “second” for so long so it usually doesn’t last long enough to be considered “permanent” hence the guest type benefits?

clearly I’m very new to this so it feels over my head, just trying to wrap around everything, and I know everyone peobubly has their own situation that works for them, I guess im just trying to figure out what the "norm" is that seems to work for most people and how it works

CielDuMatin 07-17-2012 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommyinthecloset (Post 143904)
You said secondary’s are like people you date, but aren’t super serious yet, what if it becomes super serious? do you consider them a second primary? I would have assumed if they move in its serious and I would have assumed bills/rent/etc would start when they move in

Exactly that, they become a primary too. There are many poly relationships with joint primaries.

Some people even go with primary, secondary and tertiary. primary is a live-in that share all the day-to-day decisions, child-rearing, etc. Secondaries share in the BIG decision-making - like whether everyone is going to move out-of-state and so on - there is a degree of commitment to that relationship. Tertiaries are far more casual - like FWBs - that you together with once in a while but who don't really have a high level of commitment. It's not about degrees of love, it's about the mechanics of the relationship.

As the mechanics change and relationships evolve, then it's quite possible to go between any one of these.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommyinthecloset (Post 143904)
clearly I’m very new to this so it feels over my head, just trying to wrap around everything, and I know everyone peobubly has their own situation that works for them, I guess im just trying to figure out what the "norm" is that seems to work for most people and how it works

I understand your confusion. The things is, there isn't a "norm" that is in any way meaningful - you really have to find out what YOU want, and what your partners want. There's no peer pressure to conform, no strict set of behaviours that you need to follow.

Be yourself, enjoy your relationships and be happy with each other.

CielDuMatin 07-17-2012 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pocketpoly86 (Post 143777)
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)

I posted on your blog post already.

If you guys are all living together, sharing bills, sharing child-rearing duties and making decisions together, then you aren't his secondary, you are a joint primary, with everything that entails.

Being a primary or secondary has nothing to do with whose bed someone sleeps in, or who they have sex with. It's far more about the domestic arrangements and the decision-making and the degree of commitment present.

This is Poly (there can be joint primaries if it makes sense) not some bad Highlander plot ("There can be only One!").


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