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-   -   My boyfriend's girlfriend is moving in, and I'm not (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25675)

Razzledazza 07-16-2012 08:50 PM

My boyfriend's girlfriend is moving in, and I'm not
I've been dating my boyfriend for five months, and he's been dating his other local girlfriend for about four months. She and I get along well, and recently we've been trying to spend more time together, the three of us. He's been having financial issues, is going through a divorce and custody battle, and has come to the point where he needs to have a roommate to keep himself afloat.

He offered the chance to move in to me early in our relationship, and I declined, because I didn't want to become the roommate of someone I'm involved with; if I move in, I want it to be more permanent, and because he wants to have me around. I didn't want to move in with him for strictly practical purposes, and honestly, it's just too soon in my opinion. He agreed that that was for the best. But now, his other girlfriend has agreed to move in to help with bills. He's told me that she'll have a seperate space (a room in the basement), but that she'll be able to share his bed.

I'm really not comfortable with her moving in, and I've told him that this might be a deal breaker for me at this point in our relationship. Scheduling is somewhat tight with him as it is (primarily because he is a part-time single dad), but I've been handling it by telling myself that she and I are getting roughly equal amounts of time with him. If she moves in, that will no longer be the case. I feel like I'm going to be losing what time I get to spend with him. Although I know that it's not intentional, and that I had plenty of opportunities, I kind of feel like I'm being punished for not accepting his offer to move in.

Both of them are willing to negotiate so that I feel more comfortable with the situation, and I'm certainly willing to compromise, but I don't know how to feel better about the situation.

Would it be wrong to ask that the situation be temporary? I won't feel comfortable spending time at his house if she's living there, which is where we spend alot of our time currently. I've told him that he'll need to spend more nights at my place, which he told me that he'd considered to be a solution as well, but I'm not sure that this will be enough. Are there other things I should ask to happen/not happen that might make me feel better about this arrangement?

This is the first poly relationship I've ever been in, and I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I am far more upset about this than I want to let on to him.

dkj4 07-16-2012 09:13 PM

poly does not have to me one on one were the other or u have to be left out. would u consider all three of u as equal?

Razzledazza 07-16-2012 09:18 PM

At present, I consider us to be equal partners. I worry that that may change after she moves in.

km34 07-16-2012 09:20 PM

Is it accurate that the main problem is that they will be sharing the main space of the house, so while she will have her own room the rest of the house (minus his room) will be "hers" as well since it is shared space? That makes it awkward for you since you don't want to be going to HER place or THEIR place, but HIS place.

I think the only thing you could ask for is that they limit how many nights they sleep together. I mean, if she is paying rent, she has a right to have herself reflected there as well. (Once again, assuming that THAT is the part that is tough to swallow)

It seems like a tough situation since moving in together is usually a sign of the relationship becoming more serious, whereas for them it's really more of a convenience/financial step than an emotional one.

I do find it interesting that he is moving one of his girlfriends into his house when he is going through a divorce and custody battle. From what I've seen, ex-wives/mothers don't take too kindly to having another women brought in such close proximity to their kids too quickly. Why didn't he try to find a regular ol' roommate instead of moving in someone that he is dating?

Razzledazza 07-16-2012 09:42 PM

Yes, part of the problem is that the whole house, including his room if she's spending most nights there, is going to be THEIR space instead of HIS space.

I want to ask him to limit the number of nights they spend together, or to spend as many with me as he does with her, but that feels selfish and impractical.

He's mentioned that ideally, he'd rather live alone, or have a platonic roommate, but I haven't really seen him make an effort to look for a roommate. I believe that his intentions are strictly practical, but I don't know her well enough to guess at whether her's are or not.

Tonberry 07-16-2012 10:00 PM

I'm guessing you're worried you'll miss out on things, that they'll grow closer from living together and sharing experiences and you won't be there...
But it doesn't mean that's what's going to happen. You didn't want to move in because it was too soon, and it's possible that it's the same thing for them, and that by living together they'll drive each other crazy and ruin the relationship.

Anyways, I think what I could suggest is that he goes to your place relatively often and spend the night there. This way you won't be in "their" space, he'll be in yours. That might feel better for you, since when you do go to his place, she'll probably be there too.
Or you could ask that every so often when you go to his place, you guys arrange things so that she goes out and you have the house to yourself, possibly even staying with friends for the night. Wouldn't work if it's all the time, I mean it's going to be her own place and she needs to feel welcome in it, but every so often might be an option.
Make sure to keep having enough dates to feel close to him, and try not worrying too much about the symmetry. Even if the relationships were to evolve at different rates, you can't rush yours and potentially damage it just to stay parallel to theirs. They're different relationships, so try to follow your own rhythm and you'll get there.
If the relationship becomes serious enough and you do move in with him, you will have experienced a lot of things she won't have, and vice-versa. It's not just you missing out.

Due to dating long-distance, my relationships have often been all or nothing. Either we don't see each other at all in person for months, or we live together, because going to another country costs enough money, getting a hotel there would be a nightmare.
Let me tell you I feel I missed out a lot as far as dates are concerned. No getting ready separately and meeting somewhere, looking through a crowd to find him... Instead we get ready at the same time and go there together like an old married couple.
Which is fine in an established relationship, but sometimes a relationship needs the time away from one another and then getting together again, the feeling of dates.

So, they'll spend more time together, possibly. But they'll also know each other's bad habits early on, and have arguments about milk and socks. They'll have more experiences together, but they probably won't all be positive. I think it might be a relief for him to go back to you, that he's not around 24/7, whenever you have dates, and maybe you'll spend less time together, but it could very well be better quality time.

In short, I just think you're expecting the worst and getting very worried even though it could turn out tons of different ways.

Marcus 07-17-2012 03:29 AM

Your outlook is not one that I currently relate to, but I certainly have had similar restrictions on myself and my lover in the past. For me, this idea of getting equal time, having fair priority in each others lives, making sure I am loved *as much* as their other lovers is not applicable. Relationships are fluid, the level of closeness evolves due to a myriad of factors. This is true in a monogamous relationship as well as a polyamorous one, the primary difference is the addition of another relationship as a complication and removal of lying as a solution.

I might suggest that you empower your boyfriend, appreciate that he will have this girl as steady company, hope that their relationship blossoms into something beautiful, and love him with everything you've got. Treat their time with respect and make your desire to spend time with him known in no uncertain terms. Clutching onto this idea of making sure you get your fair share will almost certainly turn this polyamorous relationship into a previous relationship.

My recommendation about you telling them how many nights they can sleep together is... consider that their relationship is their own and is, quite frankly, none of your concern.


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 143741)
Even if the relationships were to evolve at different rates, you can't rush yours and potentially damage it just to stay parallel to theirs. They're different relationships, so try to follow your own rhythm and you'll get there.


nycindie 07-19-2012 01:35 AM

I think you shouldn't be so focused on her and what he has with her. You really can't control his relationship with someone else, and that kind of thinking shouldn't even be an option. You and she are both in the early stages of being in a relationship with him. You had a more practical sensible approach when you chose not to move in with him so soon. She threw caution to the wind and moved in. Maybe her living there will impact your relationship with him negatively, or maybe it will be the rope she hangs herself with (so to speak) and they won't last. Ultimately, however, how they conduct their relationship is really none of your business. It certainly is not something you should try to make demands about. If a lover of mine did that to me, he would be gone.

The only thing you really can do is voice your concerns so he is aware of them, and be sure to ask for what you want, but only as it pertains to meeting your needs and staying aligned within your own personal boundaries, instead of making requests that he limit his time with her. Just point-blank tell him how much time you want with him per week, and whatever else you need from him to be happy and satisfied in the relationship, and leave it up to him to meet your requests. Whether he does or not is out of your control, anyway. He's a grown-up who has chosen to be in relationship with two women, so now he has to take responsibility and navigate those waters, learn how to manage his time, and figure out when to say yes or no to either of you, as he sees fit.

Telling your bf how much time he should devote to anyone else is backwards, dictatorial, and quite frankly smacks of arrogance. If he cannot or will not make a sincere and definitive attempt to meet your requests, that tells you something about his commitment to you. And then you have the choice of whether or not to keep investing in him and staying with it. It is likely you will all make mistakes eventually, so have compassion. But you cannot and should not strong-arm a commitment out of him by trying to control what he does with anyone else. Each of you has autonomy and a choice to live with the circumstances, make requests, or walk if it becomes untenable.

nycindie 07-24-2012 06:25 PM

Any update, OP? How have you handled things? I hope it's going well for all of you.

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