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-   -   how soon should you meet your lover's girlfriend? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25670)

katiesunshine 07-16-2012 06:35 PM

how soon should you meet your lover's girlfriend?
 
I just started seeing this guy who is in a polyamorous relationship. I should also say that I have n o intention of wanting something more serious from him. At our second date he said it was very important to him that i meet his girlfriend. I told him that I would like a little time to figure out what I was doing with him and basically just get to know him. Meeting his girlfriend so soon felt a bit awkward and I simply wasnt ready yet. After the third date I went along with meeting his girlfriend at a mutual workout. I thought it would be a good first meeting because we would be in the class working out and that would distract us from the awkwardness. However she never showed up, because she was too tired. Instead I was asked to come to their place the next day for our next date and then I could also meet her there. I must admit it felt a bit wierd and I said I wasnt ready for such a big step...I suggested she come to workout again next week. I was more ready for taking a smaller step.

So I am wondering here, am I breaking the 'rules' by wanting to take small steps? How soon 'should you meet your lover's girlfriend?

nycindie 07-16-2012 07:23 PM

Sometimes it's a good thing to test one's own boundaries and push beyond your comfort zone. However, there's nothing wrong with wanting to take your time, AND you shouldn't feel forced or coerced to do something you're not comfy with. If it feels like they are being too pushy about it, say so. Some metamours never meet and that's okay, too. There is no across the board requirement in poly that everyone must meet each other, or meet each other right away. If it would feel more comfortable to you, why not suggest just emailing or having a phone convo first, or that you wait until you know how serious you want to be about the relationship.

LovingRadiance 07-16-2012 07:57 PM

It really depends.

In our dyanamic-no dates until they meet both of us. That meeting doens't have to spell out anything-it's design is for each of us to be sure that the new person is fully aware of our full commitment to one another and to avoid people who think that if they are good enough, we'll end our relationship (which is unfortunately too common).

So, if for example you were going to date my husband-you would have to meet us both for the first face to face meeting. Usually we go for coffee -or hanging at the park or something. Not big. There's no big "required conversation". Just a hi, I'm so and so and I'm so and so and I'm so and so.

At times I've even left after 10-15 minutes and gone to do my own thing-giving them time to themselves.

It's not the same as "meeting the family" and the purpose behind it is to avoid the "cowgirls" (or cowboys-except I'm not dating and he's straight.)

Tonberry 07-16-2012 08:33 PM

I can understand wanting to met in a neutral ground (during the workout) rather than on their turf (their place). It might make you feel a bit trapped, and if something goes wrong, you're the one who has to go even if she's the one who gets upset.
I think first meetings are best in a neutral, preferably public place. I think meeting during the workouts is a good idea, if she is made uncomfortable by the idea that you guys are dating in the meantime, you can always postpone all dates until she's made one of the workouts (provided she doesn't keep missing them).

LovingRadiance 07-17-2012 12:25 AM

Meeting at the swimming pool was a nightmare and frankly-meeting at a workout would be for me too.
Becuase that's where I find my zen-and its more personal for me than my home.

BUT-I do agree a neutral place away from both homes and away from any special/meaningful places for either is a must!

Marcus 07-17-2012 02:40 AM

No Timelines
 
I agree with most of what the previous replies have added. On your end, you decide your timeline, not anyone else... period. You're a grown person and one of the great things about my personal poly outlook is that no one has any rights over my time/body/emotions... none whatsoever. If I have a care to accept a request to meet someone then I will do so, if I don't then I will not.

"Let's give it a bit more time" sounds like you are being quite reasonable. If their relationship demands that you have to meet her immediately then maybe it doesn't work out. You'll just need to decide that for yourself.

Personally I would find the entire discussion very off putting. I saw a profile on a dating site where the girl linked her boyfriend's profile and said that any suitors would need to talk to him before gaining access to her. Yeeeaaaah that's not going to work for me. I don't want to be involved in a relationship where anyone involved feels that they have the right to tell me what I need to do, when, or how. I'm looking for romance, not a new employer.

Anneintherain 07-17-2012 09:11 AM

My husband and I agree to meet people the other are dating before it gets sexual OR when we think something is going to actually work out. Not that we've had a lot of partners since becoming poly (for the second time) but I'm guessing that would average 6 weeks for me, and 2-3 months for him. Anybody who has stuck around that long has a decent chance of being a long term presence in our life so it seems to be a good time to touch base.

It's different if the person runs in the same circles and its convenient to just say hi before then, but I understand not wanting to be pushed to meet. I have also learned meeting too early can be a problem - once my husband was so excited about somebody after one date that we ended up both meeting the woman for lunch and she got spooked off because she tended to not date married men because they usually had too many "rules". She opted not to meet my husband for further dates because while I was with them he got too nervous about me to flirt with her like he had on their date. When I met him he was a crazy flirt with others in front of me, so I can get why she wasn't interested if he changed that intensely from one date to the next.

I've met potential partners of his, and my bf's wife, both without the men present - for coffee/drink dates. I like this approach in general, if you feel like you're going to be on display for how you behave in front of your partner, it can just be more relaxing to be a one on one with a metamour, and a bit easier to say "well I have to get going" if you get uncomfortable.

katiesunshine 07-17-2012 10:26 AM

Thanks for all your replies :)
I thinks it is the right thing for me to meet the girlfriend, no question about about. I totally understand that she would want to meet me in order to remove the stuff going on in her imagination. I also understand that she needs to make sure that I don't want to steal her boyfriend away from her. I can say this is really not an issue at all, because as much as I like him he doesn't touch my heart in that way. And I have made this very clear to him.

I sense a lot of guilt in him. He told me he had some feelings for me, and that was something he said he wouldn't tell his girlfriend. I don't have similar feelings for him and I get the feeling that he thinks that he will feel less guilty if i met her. The pushiness triggers resistance in me because I feel he doesn't understand that I too am a person and I need to do things in my own time. It is totally unfair if they have to set all the rules, and I also feel I showed I am willing to meet, but that I need to take smaller steps..

Last year I was also seeing a guy who had a girlfriend, and she wanted very much to meet me very quickly. I met with her because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I wasn't ready yet, and when we met I think she sensed my resistance and after that she was extremely jealous. So i do think there is such a thing as meeting someone to soon.

CielDuMatin 07-17-2012 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katiesunshine (Post 143812)
I sense a lot of guilt in him. He told me he had some feelings for me, and that was something he said he wouldn't tell his girlfriend.

Is this is first time or something?

He has feelings for you and isn't sharing this with his girlfriend, and thinks that somehow you meeting with her will make that better? I'm waving a yellow flag on this one, I'm afraid. This doesn't make sense to me at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by katiesunshine (Post 143812)
I don't have similar feelings for him and I get the feeling that he thinks that he will feel less guilty if i met her.

So you meeting her, knowing that he is lying to her is going to go well how, exactly?

Quote:

Originally Posted by katiesunshine (Post 143812)
It is totally unfair if they have to set all the rules, and I also feel I showed I am willing to meet, but that I need to take smaller steps..

I totally agree.
The agreement that I have with my partners is that we will meet with new interests before anything happens that could be considered a relationship. We value each others opinions and really like to get input, since this person may well become a significant part of one of our lives.

If the other person doesn't want to meet yet, then that's perfectly fine, but it puts a limit on how far the relationship can develop. So in other words it just slow things down, which may be what you want anyway.

BrigidsDaughter 07-17-2012 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 143905)
Is this is first time or something?

He has feelings for you and isn't sharing this with his girlfriend, and thinks that somehow you meeting with her will make that better? I'm waving a yellow flag on this one, I'm afraid. This doesn't make sense to me at all.

I took it to mean that he has expressed his feelings for the OP, but that he has not expressed his feelings for his girlfriend in that way before. There are some people who are not big talkers about their feelings and perhaps he is one of them, so his being able to express those feelings to the OP, but not his girlfriend, might be making him feel guilty.

As for when to meet. I don't know. All of my lovers, with the exception of Runic Wolf's last girlfriend, Loveleigh, were friends prior to us becoming more, so Runic Wolf knew them. With Loveleigh, it was a different story. She and I jointly planned a poly meet up in our area, over the internet, at the same time that she and Runic Wolf were linked on OK Cupid. Their first date ended up being the day before the poly meet up, so I met her, in person, for the first time then. I really liked her and we've stayed friends even though she decided that she was more interested in a friendship with him. If nothing else, it is nice to have more local poly friends.


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