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-   -   Partner wants to introduce me to his new fling (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25666)

tiggerdatiger 07-16-2012 04:59 PM

Partner wants to introduce me to his new fling
So, my partner wants to introduce me to his new fling, someone who he had met up with a few times already. I was a little put on the spot last night when that opportunity was brought up, and at first I said I wasn't ready. Then, thought about it... it might be a good idea to meet... The reality is I'm now going to meet them for lunch today. They both have the day off of work, and after I go back to work (wish I had a more fun diversion to keep me distracted), I know they'll go back to his place to hook up for a while, spend the day together, etc.

Just looking for any words of encouragement, etc., as I'm trying to process this before meeting. I'm starting to feel that green monster pop up and want to make sure I keep it at bay for the meeting...

Castalia 07-16-2012 05:25 PM

Good luck. I hope all goes well and work is busy enough to keep you distracted.

sparklepop 07-16-2012 05:50 PM

Hi Tigger :)

I think I remember you saying from another post that you are quite new to poly? I'm quite new too (16 months) and I think it's very normal to be feeling apprehensive about all of these new situations you find yourself in.

One thing I've found it that the fear of these events is worse than the actual event.

In fact, meeting the person can help *so* much with any jealousy feelings. It also gives you a chance to show your partner how wonderful you are by being charming and welcoming to this new person ;)

Is this their first time actually hooking up? Or have they hooked up before you meeting them? If it's their first time, I think that does add a little stress for you... but it's great that you've got work to distract you.

The best advice I can give you... is keep your chin up, be brave, put your most charming hat on and get in there. I promise that you might actually have fun. Let us know how you get on!

tiggerdatiger 07-16-2012 05:59 PM

Hey there! Yes, I'm definitely new to all this. I've only been in this relationship for a near 8 months (my first of this nature).

Your thoughts are soothing... thanks so much!

I'm sure that the anticipation is worse than the actual experience. Almost like getting a shot, or drawing blood. Heh.

My partner has hooked up a couple of times before with this fling. And the fling is brought up more times in conversation than others, I've noticed, which makes it tougher, and as a result, I'm curious about the connection. In fact, we've had some hard moments because one of the times they spent the night, and I had a real tough time with that (we don't live together yet). I'm getting a little better at navigating this, and processing it, but it's still tough.

I know that meeting will help. My partner is probably pushing for us to meet to take away any some of my jealous feelings.

(Deep breath)... getting ready to do this in an hour or so, and hoping to feel confident and charming...

dollface 07-16-2012 07:21 PM

meeting helps
Im pretty new myself, but meeting the othee person does help a lot with the jealousy because you geta to experience first hand what their connection is rather than just sitting thereto on your own letting your imagination going wild.

tiggerdatiger 07-16-2012 08:36 PM

Hoo boy. Okay, I just had the lunch with my partner and his fling, and now I'm in processing mode. Overall, it went okay. We found commonalities to talk about, I felt like we connected overall, etc. There's no interest for me in doing more with him still (I was approached first by the guy, turned him down, but my guy was into him, and asked that I resume conversation with him to start so they can meet originally).

The guy did have a few lite barbs in the beginning towards me. I can tell he can be a little sarcastic (and more than likely out of insecurity, of course). It was 'all in good fun', but odd when you first meet someone, and considering who they are, who I am, etc.

The guy had put out a couple of things like 'Should I order the tuna? Would you mind if that's on my breath?', asking my partner in front of me, as it's known that they will go off now and hook up. :-/

I felt that was a little odd.

And, the had a couple of moments himself that he seemed to be put off by. My partner and I shared a (maybe) 3 second unspoken acknowledgement of sweetness (in each others eyes, but oh so brief), and he was perturbed enough by that to bring it up? And he didn't seem to like it when my partner said 'Goodbye, sweetie', calling me 'sweetie'.

This, also, didn't make me feel too good. I'm glad that these things happened for him to see... it wasn't overboard or anything by any means, but I'm curious why (considering the situation) this guy would be upset by these moments.

My brain is reeling just a little bit, knowing that I probably won't have a conversation with my guy until later tonight after all is said and done (maybe tomorrow), and this guy will go back with a potentially sarcastic judging tone, and maybe have other judgment calls on me... but this is that little green monster rearing it's ugly head a little... I have to remind myself that my guy is into me and wants our relationship. He just gave me a key to his home yesterday.

My partner did seem to be pretty disconnected towards the end, as when the guy went to get a box for his leftovers, and all he could say to me was 'have a good rest of your day'... and trailed off, not saying any more, not asking questions (in private for a quick check-in) or giving me just a little reassurance, which I'm going to have to reiterate that I need especially right after something like this. I waited at a crosswalk for the signal for what seemed like forever as my guy looked on, crossed the street, and walked back to work.

And first thing, I pop on here to type... which is seeming to help a little... (sigh). Sometimes I question if I can handle this... given the circumstances, I think it's a bit more than what I imagined... or I'm just in the moment processing right after... it's still my first relationship like this, it's under 8 months, and this is the first time I'm meeting a hookup that my guy talks about (more than normal) right before they leave to go back to his home to have sex and hang out all day while I go back to work.

tiggerdatiger 07-16-2012 10:23 PM

Hard to focus on work, as this is still on my mind a coupla hours later... I guess what I'm most worried about is the fling is young (22) and my guy is 43. The boy demonstrated that jealousy streak a little bit... and coupled with the judgmental side that came out a little (insecurity), I realize there was just a couple of competitive barbs that were put out there... and a little bit of staking claim.

My guy is really excited about the boy, and is more of a logical sort than a feeler (like myself), so in some cases, I'm left to sort through my feelings unless I can explain them in a real logical way. I'm not even thinking about the sex they're having as an issue for me... it's just more about the jealousy streak... where does it come from? More than likely it would come after the boy might've idealized my BF and their connection together. And he might work (judgmental side and other) to wedge a little between us, in a competitive way (insecurity tossed in, as well). I noticed a couple hints of the competitive nature regarding me at the lunch already. This is the tough thing to process as I know they'll be spending the rest of the day together. Or, is this just normal stuff that comes up regularly?

Marcus 07-17-2012 03:15 AM

After I met my girlfriends boyfriend the first time (we had encountered each other a couple of times but never actually had a conversation) I was thrilled. He was cool, I was cool, everything was obviously a'ok. After the meeting I told her that I liked him and how glad I was that we had gotten along so well. She relayed to me later that he agreed and said "Yah, I don't think Alpha Males really work in polyamory"

That still rings very true to me. The type of competition in an Alpha Male type personality is not going to work out very well in any relationship I'm involved in. I'm not in this to prove myself, to out flank an opponent, or to strut my tail feathers and try to impress my mate.

Hopefully the competitive streak you picked up on is just in your head. Or possibly just his social awkwardness from being nervous himself. If either of those are the case then those are issues which can be worked through. Either way, your emotional approach and your boyfriends logical approach will likely need to sit down and talk about your feelings. It will remain very important (imo) that the two of you are able to express your thoughts to each other safely.

dragonflysky 07-17-2012 06:27 AM

"The boy....."???!!! What's that all about? Seems like a bit of sarcasm and condescension on your part here. He may be young, but he's 22, which is at least legally an adult. Perhaps the other guy was picking up on some of your attitude towards him and became reactive???

You don't have to like this other guy. It's someone your partner is interested in. But it generally behooves one to treat others with courtesy for your partner's sake unless the other person is being a real A--hole to you.

sparklepop 07-17-2012 10:36 AM

I personally didn't read anything into you calling him 'the boy'. If you meant it scathingly, you were in an emotional moment of processing your feelings.

Most likely, your boyfriend found it as awkward as you did. He's in the middle, because he doesn't want to make his date uncomfortable by being overly demonstrative with you and doesn't want to hurt you by being overly demonstrative with him.

Either the guy is an Alpha Male and was purposefully saying little things to make you jealous, or he lacks a sensitivity bone.

Either way, you're probably better off not being too involved with him if being around him makes your feelings worse. Better yet, you could say something at the time - i.e. after the tuna comment, you could have said "a little discretion please, gentlemen..." If he is the game playing type, it should call him on it.

I once had a girl who made my girlfriend extremely jealous on purpose. I either overlooked it or didn't see it at first. I knew that I felt so awkward in the middle of them, trying to keep both happy. My girlfriend and I actually used to hide our affection in front of secondary partners, to make them feel more comfortable. We realised that this made it worse. Now I am very free around my girlfriend in front of secondary partners. Behaving in a normal way around her seems to help curb any games new people might play. Maybe I'm picking different types of people.... but all I know is when we weren't openly affectionate, the girls would play games... now that we are openly affectionate, the girls don't play games. Perhaps there's something to be said for showing a solid front. If they can't see cracks, they don't try to stick a crowbar in there?

I wouldn't badmouth this guy to your partner, but if he asks what you thought of him, you can always be honest and say you felt he was trying to get at you, but you could have just been reading him the wrong way.

And yes, you should definitely communicate your feelings. You shouldn't have to work through them alone. You both chose poly, your boyfriend is reaping the rewards - he has to pick up his end of the slack too. The slack being your feelings that result from his actions. Just because you're both open to sleeping with others, doesn't meant you have to be a robot. Especially since this is new.

In terms of the guy, some people try to push buttons and some people are just less sensitive than others. My girlfriend isn't very sensitive. For example, we were just on the phone this morning with her online sub boy (P), who will never be able to meet her. She slept with someone in 'real life' for the first time on Tuesday, also a sub boy. Probably not easy for him to hear. She declared to us on the phone "oh, I have a new method for training sub boys!" when neither of us responded, not wanting to hear the details, she repeated herself. P eventually meekly said "oh yeah?" to which she replied "yes! Before they get any pleasure, they have to learn how to please me!" Due to other things she'd told us earlier in the week, we immediately knew that this meant she'd taught him how to make her come with oral sex and then had sex with him as he reward. Lovely way for us to start the day. ;) We both went quiet and she couldn't understand why. Just lacks the tact bone. Or we have too many sensitive bones, who knows.

Sometimes things do slip out and people don't intend for them to.

You're still very new to poly and emotions do feel big at first. They still feel big for me too - I'm like you; less logic, more feeling. Be true to yourself and ask yourself what the root of the problem is. Are you scared he'll leave you? Are you scared he prefers this guy sexually? Are you mostly just angry because you felt your BF could have handled the meeting better? Once you know those things, have a chat with your boyfriend.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

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