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-   -   Poly Colorado Couple looking for Female Unicorn (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25645)

icelandicman 07-16-2012 03:43 AM

Poly Colorado Couple looking for Female Unicorn
I am a 33 year old male who has been happily married for the past 3 years. The reason why I am here is because my wife and I are looking for our female third to share our lives with. Now keep in mind this is not going to be a kinky, purely sexual relationship. My wife and I are looking for a soul mate.

We are both pagan and love the outdoors. My wife is a goddess in every sense of the word and I pamper her to no end. We are both dedicated to making the best out of our lives. My wife is a professional pastry chef and I am a professional in training (a.k.a: full time student working on my master's).

We currently have 2 dogs and 2 ferrets and we enjoy spending time with our animals as much as we love spending time together. My wife is really into Roller Derby and I am really supportive of her dreams to be the next big thing in Roller Derby. We have a really good relationship and enjoy each other.

Interests include, but are not limited to; making the most out of life, farmer's markets, cooking, baking, movies, theater, and other fun activities. We like billiards, pub crawls, pub trivia, and cruising some of our favorite metaphysical stores. We live in a small town but we have big dreams.

My wife is a tree hugging, crystal loving, shopping girl with a green thumb and a heart of gold. I am a logical idealist, whiz in the kitchen, guy there to lend my support to my wife while she starts up her bakery!

My wife is of Spanish descent and I am an eclectic mix of Scandanavian, Italian, and Samoan. We are both into piercings and tattoos and have grand plans to add to our small collection.

We are pickers who often find treasures in thrift stores, antique shops, and garage sales but that doesn't mean we horde because we do not believe in excess. My wife loves candles and I <3 watches with a passion even though I refuse to wear any other watch then the one my wife bought me.

Now if we sound like a couple you would like to get to know, then please feel free to message us so that we can talk. Especially if you are in the Colorado area or looking to visit the Colorado area as we prefer not to engage in a long distance relationship.

Magdlyn 07-16-2012 11:59 AM

Hi Icelandic,

I was drawn to your post because I am a thrift store junkie as well. Pyrex is my main obsession-- the colors and designs are so pretty and combinations are almost infinite! I love the thrill of the hunt.

Anyway, you say you're looking for a unicorn, so you know their rarity. Would you be open to a person who was more into your wife emotionally and sexually, and just liked you as a friend, or vice versa? This is what usually happens, at least 90% of the time. If a woman started out into both of you, but became closer with one of you after hot sex NRE slowed down, would you veto her?

Is this your first foray into poly dating, or have you 2 had separate lovers in the past?

icelandicman 07-16-2012 10:25 PM

Hey Mags,

I totally understand just how rare the elusive "unicorn" can be but to be honest with you this is not our first foray into poly dating and we have had 2 seperate lovers in the past. Unfortunately it was just not the dynamic we are looking for. We are looking for someone to share our lives with.

We would like to have someone together so that there are three equally passionate, involved, emotional individuals with equal say in the relationship. We have had a relationship like this a couple of times in the past and it was very successful. The only reason why they didn't continue to be successful is that the other individuals moved on in different ways and keeping the relationship proved to be next to impossible.

Since my wife and I are both in this together; if a potential girl were to be more emotionally and sexually into my wife then my wife would not allow the relationship to continue. Same thing with me if the "girl" were to be more into me. I know that only gives us 10% to work with, but we are not in a hurry and can wait for the right one to come along.

On a more happy note; Yes! We both love thrift store shopping. I have found some really nice jewelry at my thrift store on many occasions. I have found Tiffany's, not the knock off stuff because I had it authenticated. I have also found some really cheap prices on some good boks like a 1st Edition Walt Whitman Leaves of Grass.

CielDuMatin 07-17-2012 08:21 PM

Hey, sounds like you are going into this with your eyes open about your chances of finding someone, and that you are patient - so many that come on here aren't - they expect that they will post an ad and all the unicorns will just come running!

I wish you luck!

icelandicman 07-17-2012 08:28 PM

Well we would love to toss out our proverbial nets and catch ourselves a dozen unicorns to chose from. But we are being realistic about it. And we can wait patiently until till our unicorn comes.

Magdlyn 07-18-2012 01:35 PM

Well, I just feel bad for any prospects that come your way, who feel equal NRE/lust for both of you, but over time feel more connected to one or the other, or one of you still finds her desirable, but the other becomes less enamoured, and then said failed unicorn gets vetoed, rejected.

I hope you warn her clearly up front, stay equally in love with both of us, or your ass is out! And be warned, if one of us finds ourselves less drawn to you (which is out of her control), you are also gonna find yourself history.

Hmmmm... no wonder most unicorns have low self esteem and are merely looking for scraps of attention from established couples, to agree to such a scenario.

Good job finding Tiffany jewelry in the thrifts!

icelandicman 07-18-2012 02:42 PM

Wow Magdlyn,

I feel like you are almost painting a picture of my wife and I as some cold, unfeeling couple. We are more then aware of the condition of emotions and feelings. I know it can and will happen when someone goes into a relationship such as this, but I think it is better to clarify our process step by step.

#1: A well written ad pointing out that indeed that my current relationship is a primary relationship and that my wife and I are a package deal. This usually weeds out 90% of the "applicants" (which is why a true unicorn is so RARE) because everyone has their own, personal definition of polyamory. If the "unicorn" decides to answer the ad they do so accepting these terms.

#2: When my wife and I find said "unicorn" the relationship will always start as just friends. Meaning that we will go out, hang out, get to know each other, chat, text, etc. During this period we would feel out our potential unicorn. It also gives us the chance to gauge compatibility. This has worked wonders for us because it enables us to see if there is more of a connection to one of us then the other. (i.e: we find out the girl is more attracted to my wife over me and visa versa) At that point because it is just "dating" and no committment is made, we can chose not to pursue a more intimate relationship.

#3: If the potential "unicorn" moves on to the next phase it is because she has found a genuine connection to both of us that does not strictly revolve around physical, sexual connection. Yes those things are important but they are not the entire foundation for a relationship.

#4: If the feelings of the potential "unicorn" change in the future; we understand that happens. And if that does happen we will cross that bridge when we come to it. The only comment I will make is that my wife and I are the primary relationship and that means our relationship comes first.

Also... You mentioned something about "Hmmmm... no wonder most unicorns have low self esteem and are merely looking for scraps of attention from established couples, to agree to such a scenario." I find that comment a bit offensive because it almost seems like you are blaming couples like my wife and I for someone's low self esteem. A person with low self esteem should not be going around looking for polyamorous relationships in order to find love to raise their self esteem. Self esteem should be personal and the responsibility of the individual and not the couple. This is why we have our step by step process. If I feel like someone has self esteem issues and they are merely "starved for attention" then we will not proceed further into a relationship.

Emm 07-18-2012 03:33 PM


Originally Posted by icelandicman (Post 144100)
Also... You mentioned something about "Hmmmm... no wonder most unicorns have low self esteem and are merely looking for scraps of attention from established couples, to agree to such a scenario." I find that comment a bit offensive because it almost seems like you are blaming couples like my wife and I for someone's low self esteem.

IMO, it's more that unicorn hunters come across as slightly predatory; they may not deliberately sabotage anyone's self esteem, but when the rules their prey is expected to agree with are as arbitrary and one-sided as the ones you have on the table the only taker may be someone who has low self esteem to begin with.

Just on the offchance that you haven't already stumbled across it, here's a unicorn hunter's flowchart. Anyone signing up for that with her eyes open must either be a masochist or feel she has no worth as a human being.

icelandicman 07-18-2012 03:44 PM

I am not sure why you feel these rules are one sided. Maybe that is how you feel and I can't change that. We care about the feelings of all individuals and that is paramount. That is why we are very clear up front about our intentions. It is not because we want to be jerks. It is because we have been burned so many times before as well by females who come in claiming they want to meet a couple when in fact all they want is to meet a female or a male.

It is not like I am expecting a "sister wife" scenario where the woman coming in can have only me and she has no relationship with anyone else other then me. That would be criminal. Same thing for my wife if the girl was only allowed to be with my wife and she was not allowed to be with me.

I seriously thought this was a good idea to be open about things in a forum but I guess not. I guess it is just another place where you are supposed to feel comfortable to discuss how you feel but still have to be prepared for personal attacks. I guess that is why people keep these things inside the closet so much. We get enough crap from people outside the community let alone having to defend ourselves within the community as well.

Emm 07-18-2012 04:08 PM

The rules are one-sided because you have it set up as an "us and her" situation before you even have a "her". Your future unicorn will not be given the opportunity to negotiate the terms of her own relationship but will have to fit into the narrowly defined shape you've already decided on. I will say, though, if you're at least not barring her from having outside relationships you may not be as controlling as you originally appeared.

You can feel free to discuss how you feel, but if you come in saying "we really want to start juggling hot coals", don't be surprised and/or offended when people warn you to wear gloves.

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