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-   -   Jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25644)

BohemianMLHR81 07-16-2012 03:02 AM

I have spent tha last 3 hours reading post after post of what is suppose to be mature secure people who are in the polyamory lifestyle. As a single woman I would run from almost every couple that have posts in here. All I see is insecurities, whining, and jealousy because a partner makes a connection with someone. From my understanding of the difference between Swinging and Polyamory is a connection! Without emotions, feelings, connections all you have is sex! It really makes me wonder if I joined the right site to find mature adults who have sense enough to actually realise that a person can love more than one partner. Some people have no business in either the swinging lifestyle or polyamory.

KyleKat 07-16-2012 03:22 AM

Most the new people that start out here, myself included, join because they are having difficulty coping with something they've been taught all their life is immoral. Others are posting about their insecurities and seeking guidance of getting past that. People don't join forums to profess how easy life is. That's both boring to read and to talk about. Not everyone who posts here is interested in being poly either. There are mono people who join to get help or perspective about their significant other, people who have been asked to consider poly, and all sorts of stuff.

If you think this is a swingers board you should go look at swingersboard.com. I was actually told by people there to not even attempt to include emotions because that is disaster. So no, this isn't just some swingers board masquerading as polyamory. This is a place where like minded people can talk about their issues.

BohemianMLHR81 07-16-2012 03:45 AM

Missed point
I do believe kat that you missed the point of my post. If this is indeed a site for people who want loving relationships with more than one person than I am indeed on the correct site. The point of my post that you obviously missed is the fact that there are hundreds of posts made by people who claim to be in a poly relationship and are bent out of shape because their partner developes a connection of emotions with another person which is the whole basis of a poly relationship. As I stated in my post if emotions, feelings, love, is NOT present then you simply have sex. SEX is NOT polyamory.
Then again maybe I am on the wrong site since I do want the love with multiple people and most of the people on here posting do not want their partners to have any feelings for the other people all as it bruises their egos.
I have been in the swinging lifestyle longer than either you or your wife have been alive. I am well aware of what being a swinger is. If all I wanted was non attachment sex I would be on a swingers site! I have also had several poly relationships in the past that was built on love and the jealousy displayed in some of these posts was no where in the equasion of my past relationships.

Tonberry 07-16-2012 03:46 AM

I don't personally have issues with jealousy in polyamory at this time, but I don't think it's bad that people do. They post here because they want to work through it. They don't take the position that if they're jealous, then they're right, and the situation is wrong, and poly is wrong. They try to figure out what causes the jealousy and they fix that.

I have 3 brothers and as a kid, there was jealousy all around from all of us. But we knew it wasn't right to be jealous of your siblings so we worked it out. Just knowing it didn't make it go away though.

Some people are more jealous than other, but being fit for poly doesn't mean you never experience jealousy, it means you know how to deal with it and move past it. I think acknowledging one's weaknesses is a form of maturity, and the people who post here and admit that they are jealous are showing aspects of themselves that a lot of people would want to hide. But they put it here for all of us to see so that we can help them through it. I don't think it's immature.

Also keep in mind that some threads have a venting aspect to them. People who have no place to talk about these things (mostly because people would probably just tell them "he/she is cheating, dump them!" or would say "well it's your fault for being poly" or just wouldn't understand at all) come to the forums, and here they can talk, and sometimes it all comes out in ways that aren't necessarily pretty. But then you can sort through the feelings and see what to bring up to your partners, instead of having that explosion of feelings in front of them and compromising one or more relationships.

Some people can analyse their feelings and have calm conversations with their partners and sort everything that way. These people have no need to post about it here though. So of course the people who do post are those who need some help dealing with their feelings and want an outside perspective to know where the line is between jealousy that should be worked on, and feelings that just mean someone is treating you like crap and you should confront them.

NovemberRain 07-16-2012 05:10 AM

I'm wondering, Bohemian, what you're hoping to get out of this thread or this forum by starting out with scolding the people of this forum. ?

I'm also wondering how you missed all the love and success that other see when they read here.

BohemianMLHR81 07-16-2012 05:38 AM

I really do not know at this point. I came to this site to find a couple for a loving relationship free of childish issues. IMO the whole purpose of having a poly relationship is to have love and emotions involved instead of just having casual NSA partners. My ex husband and I had an open relationship free of all jealousy. the people that he and i both chose to have relationships with were also free of all jealousy. We all were mature enough to realise that it is possible to love more than one person. But I am sorry the feeling that I got by reading countless posts was that the people posting did not want their spouse loving anyone but them. This is the impression that I as an individual got from reading these posts. I am not here for casual NSA no emotion, no feeling, no love, sex. I can get that on any swingers site.

BohemianMLHR81 07-16-2012 05:45 AM

Thank you for a well thought out reply. I understand that jealousy is a human emotion. That was not what has turned me off. The fact that they made an issue of a human emotion with their spouses and then tried to make those spouses feel guilt is the turnoff. Again I am not attacking. I am giving my perspective as a single woman as to what I am reading in these posts and how I as a single woman would NEVER enter into a relationship with any couple who have these issues on their plate. And if for some reason those issues did develope while I were involved with a couple I would exit stage left.

sparklepop 07-16-2012 10:51 AM

Before I begin, I wanted to point out that my response here is neither meant as an attack, nor am I feeling in the slightest bit defensive of the other people posting here. I would merely like to offer my perspective. Hopefully your perspective of my perspective will be clear and we can keep this friendly, eh?

You seem to understand that people feel insecure sometimes. Yet, you seem to think people are trying to make their partners feel guilty for their own emotions? Why do you think that? I am genuinely confused.

As far as I thought, if someone is asking for advice (here or anywhere else), they are not usually actually asking for their opinion to be confirmed. The act of seeking advice, regardless of the content of their post, means that the person is trying to become more evolved and deal with their issues, in order to reach that supposed Holy Grail of 'no insecurity'. The people who are making their partners feel guilty for their own feelings are the people who aren't posting here. They are at home yelling at their husband for texting another woman.

I believe that most people, given a choice, would naturally rather not experience negative emotion. It's no fun for anyone. I don't think that people here are trying to say "come, help me drown my partner in my pool of negativity" - I think they are trying to stop themselves drowning in it. All you are seeing is their words on a computer screen - it's the only medium they have to communicate through. Try not to judge based on a bunch of letters that form a sentence.

You said yourself - aside from some poly relationships, you've had experience in the swinging realm for over 25 years. Perhaps you have never felt insecure? Or perhaps you've had time to deal with those feelings? Or - perhaps swinging is a different ball game than poly? I haven't had the pleasure of swinging, so you tell me :)

I'm also interested in your comment there, that you would have 'exited stage left' if you had experienced these levels of jealousy issues in your previous relationships.

Dealing with other people's emotions, nurturing them, helping them to grow, can have a knock-on effect of helping you to grow. You learn to be compassionate, empathetic.

You do realise that to say "some people have no business" being in the lifestyle is highly arrogant and presumptuous? Not being rude - just checking ;) You cannot pass holy judgement on the people who post here, based on a couple of threads. It is not your place to do so.

I could just as easily assume "You have no business in polyamory, if you expect people to behave perfectly and if you show minimum compassion for human emotion. You clearly have empathy issues - perhaps that's why you are single?". But I can't say that - I don't know the first thing about you. I would be judging you as a person based on a few sentences I'm reading on my screen. It's probably far from accurate and more importantly, it's not my place. I am not the All Seeing Eye of poly. I'm 27 - I'm not the All Seeing Eye of anything. If I stop smoking and make it to 70, it still won't be my place to judge what other people are right for. We can only judge ourselves. And that... I believe... is the point of this forum: to judge ourselves.

That being said, regardless of poly, we all have our own limit when it comes to dealing with other people's issues. I'm a Psychologist, so my limit is pretty high. I'm not saying that to be trite or arrogant - I have a genuinely high threshold for other people's woes. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has a pretty low threshold. I don't have the answers to everything, but, being a Psychologist... ~laughs~... I can see why this is the case. So I'll let her off.

If your threshold is on the low side, at least you seem to realise it - you said yourself, you're not looking for people with many issues? So you've got the first part of it sorted. Now you just need a place that houses all of those issue-free people. I think you're right: this might not be the place.

Perhaps I digress. Let's get back to your main point. The premise of your debate is a curious one for me... where is the actual disclaimer that said this forum is a sea of fully evolved, mature, issue-free poly people? Incidentally, who actually said this was a place to meet people? I didn't realise that this was a dating site. I'm not being sarcastic - I genuinely thought it was a forum. So, why did you think differently? Am I missing something? If so, take me to the hot women. I'm poly - I'll take them all.

Emm 07-16-2012 11:08 AM


Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 143611)
I'm wondering, Bohemian, what you're hoping to get out of this thread or this forum by starting out with scolding the people of this forum. ?

It's classic Concern Troll behaviour.

BohemianMLHR81 07-16-2012 11:34 AM

Thank you for the chuckle. I love the part about wife raising hell at husband. That is exact;ly the reason That I posted. I had that veryt thing happen to me last night. The wife in a couple that I had met with a cpl of weeks ago started sending me hateful texts yesterday about her husband talking to me without her being present. I made it clear to both of them when we met that I did not tolorate this kind of stupid behavior. As the 3rd wheel in any triad jealousy is a turnoff. We are the one's who catch the brunt of the BS. Then ultimately we are the one's who are removed from a 3 way relationship. The main two components that Swinging and Polyamory from my understanding is honesty and communication. Communication seems to be the key thing missing in some of the couples relationships that has produced jealousy. If I am not mistaken you had in one of your replies the analogy of a waterbed. This is true. You have to have your relationship in good condition before you try to add someone else to it. Someone new in the mix is not going to FIX a cheating husband or wife, a wife who is not interested in sex, or a husband who is not talented in the whole sexual act. Adding someone new to a relationship with no trust or trust worthyness, or neglect, or loniness, or rejection is only going to create a lot of heartache usually for the person added.
Unless ytou have been the added single woman in a couples relationships then you can not see it from that angle. I have been part of the couple adding a single as well as another couple. I have been the single one added. It is always the added people that is given the boot when the base couple have issues. Maybe I do lack empathy as you put it but I do believe that if you as a couple need to spice things up adding anyone else to the mix is NOT the way to do that. While I do NOT have a PHD I do know about human nature and I have seen hundreds of relationships crumble over the last 25 years in both lifestyles and jealousy was always a factor. Also if you have a problem in your relationship then as a couple your focus should be on each other not other people.
Look at it from my respective...If this couple that I have met is doing things behind each others back, or they lack communication and trust with each other then how am I suppose to think they will treat me. Will they lie to me? Will they use me as an excuse for their lack of trust? Will one of them call me screaming because the other had an hour of time with me they did not know about? IMO from 25 years experience of being around sexually free lifestyles when a couple lacks the trust and communication it becomes lack of respect for the added people's feelings.
As for my state of being single. My husband decided that the sexual freedom he had was not enough so he had sex with my daughter at the age of 14. So pardon me if I have no tolorance for any kind of red flags!

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