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-   -   Pretty sure I'm poly... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25643)

Courious 07-16-2012 02:45 AM

Pretty sure I'm poly...
 
Hello! So here's the long story short.

I am a very loving person. I often find I have way more love and attention to give to others than they can handle. I've been interested in poly for at least a couple years, but I don't think my hubby is into it.

I've tried to talk to him about it a couple times, but not really seriously. I'm wondering if he is saying he's not into it because he thinks it'd mean me stepping out more than him or something. TBH, he probably wouldn't find someone else, at least not right away, and I kinda already have someone in mind (he's up for being with me, knowing I'll stay with my hubby).

So my first question is, how do I have this talk with him ~ I need real, serious advice on this one. He's usually in a better mood when he's drinking/stoned, is that a legitimate time to bring it up. Because honestly, I think it'd be best that way...

My second question is about myself. The thought of someone I love sleeping with someone else kinda makes me feel a little icky. But I think maybe it's a self-confidence thing, like if I had more faith in myself and how awesome I am, I wouldn't mind it, because I'd know in my heart of heart that no one can love someone else the way they love me.

So how do you get past those feelings?

Thanks in advance :)

Tonberry 07-16-2012 04:02 AM

First, I don't think bringing it up when he's drunk is such a good idea. You need a serious talk and he'll need to be on an even playing field with you, if you bring it up when he's "diminished", it's like you're giving yourself an unfair advantage in this discussion.

Secondly, the fact that the person you're interested in already knows you're intentions before you brought it up with your husband... is not so good. Now, it's great that you haven't cheated on him, but from his point of view, maybe you already have: you went behind his back to arrange things with another guy, rather than discussing things with him when you started having feelings, he could feel very betrayed.
So I think after you bring it up you might have to earn his trust, and you could have to say goodbye to your plan of getting together with that specific guy, and do it when your husband is actually involved in the decision before the fact, which might make him more secure about it, and not feel like it's already decided and if he says no he's losing you, so he has no choice.

About the feelings of "ickiness", I guess you need to really think about what you think might cause them. Insecurity is indeed a big thing for a lot of people, and if you're not a very confident person that could be it. You could be scared of comparison, or just feel like you're losing a "possession" by "sharing" someone.
Either way, you'll need to come to terms with it first, just like your husband will have to come to term with his own hangups, if he does want to work on them, of course.

But if you want him to actually have a voice, and be part of the decision, I don't think cornering him into the discussion is likely to make him feel appreciated. I know it's a difficult discussion to have, and it's hard to bring it up, because I was in your shoes once, but you risk hurting him if you don't go into it thinking about him as much as you can, and putting aside for a moment your fantasies about your ideal relationships. Most partners need time to be willing to get into it, when I brought it up it took over a year before anything happened, you need to talk it through, talk a lot, and be clear that you love him and want to stay with him no matter what.
Or, if you think poly is such a part of you that you can't live without it, then be prepared to leave him if he's not fine with it. And I would advise against letting him go with it "so he doesn't lose you". It's a very toxic way of thinking, if he goes into it thinking that, it's probably best that you do break up because I can't see a lot of good coming out of it.

...A bit more of a rant than I originally planned. Either way, let us know how things went after you have the talk.

Courious 07-16-2012 05:14 AM

Yeah, I realize I shouldn't have talked to the other guy first. It just kind of happened one night when we were hanging out. Just a couple nights ago. I've been feeling poly for a couple of years,so it's not like I want to open our relationship so I can sleep with this one guy.

And thank you for your reply!

Tonberry 07-16-2012 06:48 AM

I didn't mean this was the only reason :) I can see how when there is nobody you have in mind, it can seem pointless to bring it up, it just seems easier for the partners because they don't have the fear that what you want is leave them for the other person.

I just wanted to point out how your husband might feel about it, I do realise you didn't plan it all or tried to go behind his back, but it's quite possible that he'll feel that way, so it's good to be ready in case he does :)

Courious 07-16-2012 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 143616)
I didn't mean this was the only reason :) I can see how when there is nobody you have in mind, it can seem pointless to bring it up, it just seems easier for the partners because they don't have the fear that what you want is leave them for the other person.

I just wanted to point out how your husband might feel about it, I do realise you didn't plan it all or tried to go behind his back, but it's quite possible that he'll feel that way, so it's good to be ready in case he does :)

Thanks for that. I've been thinking about your 1st reply all evening, and I am planning to talk to him gently, and soon. And, I will do it when we are most relaxed and comfortable together, which will probably be after a couple of drinks ;)

And after bringing it up that way, I'm sure we'll additional, more sober conversations about it. I guess I just feel like the 'breaking the news' convo might go better if he's as relaxed as possible, ykwim?

GalaGirl 07-16-2012 02:00 PM

I'd spit it out.

"How do you feel about poly? Do you see that for us in any kind of way? What would be your dealbreakers? Is it not even on the map? Talk to me."

Then see if he's open to deeper talk on it or not.

GG

PolyCNYM 07-16-2012 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Courious (Post 143619)
Thanks for that. I've been thinking about your 1st reply all evening, and I am planning to talk to him gently, and soon. And, I will do it when we are most relaxed and comfortable together, which will probably be after a couple of drinks ;)

And after bringing it up that way, I'm sure we'll additional, more sober conversations about it. I guess I just feel like the 'breaking the news' convo might go better if he's as relaxed as possible, ykwim?

I think that is a good idea. You can float out the idea again while he is relaxed and gage his reaction. You can then have a longer talk about it when you can both really focus.

Courious 07-17-2012 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyCNYM (Post 143666)
I think that is a good idea. You can float out the idea again while he is relaxed and gage his reaction. You can then have a longer talk about it when you can both really focus.

I am hoping to talk to him this evening.... wish me luck and send me good vibes!

PolyCNYM 07-17-2012 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Courious (Post 143929)
I am hoping to talk to him this evening.... wish me luck and send me good vibes!

I hope all goes well and good vibes are sent. :)

GalaGirl 07-17-2012 11:56 PM

Gl! :)

gg


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