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sexymuffy 07-15-2012 08:58 PM

Happy to meet you all!
My husband JC have been married 15 years, but are are new to the poly world. At this point, he has a secondary relationship and I am going through a long process of self reflection before I will be ready for another relationship.

In 2006 we met a lovely young girl that became our lover, eventhough that wasn't really the plan. We intended on having a 3-some with her and it turned into a much deeper relationship. She was open about our relationship with her family and friends, but I couldn't reiprocate. She ended the relationship when she realized she would have to be the closeted lover and was not happy with that.

Recently JC met Bee online. Their friendship quickly grew and they began sexting frequently. JC is a very flirty guy and this didn't bother me at all. I could tell their relationship was getting serious and I decided to discuss it with him. It was then that JC decided to tell me he was very interested in her and he had developed an emotional relationship with her. At first, it was hard for me to take as we really hadn't discussed being poly. but after some deep conversations with JC and some soul searching within myself, I was able to accept it. Since Bee lives many states away from us, it was easy for me to accept this long-distance relationship. Since then, they have decided to meet.

JC is going up to meet her next weekend and I am starting to freak out! I know my feelings are out of control. JC and I have been married for a long time and have survived hard times. Our relationship is solid and I'm not worried about him leaving me. I know that his relationship with Bee will not directly affect my relationship with JC. In fact it has brought us closer together. I have "met" Bee and she and I have become good friends. In fact, I am closer to her than any other friend in my life, ever. I am going through a lot of personal changes and she has been a great confidant for me. I can talk to her about every aspect in my life except JC. We have decided to leave him out of our conversations so we don't cross any lines. This was mostly to protect Bee since she is so far away from JC she can't have the phyical relationship I have with him.

But now I really need someone to talk to about this and I have no one! Bee is the only friend I have that knows JC and I are in an open relationship and I can't talk to her about it. I think it would be unfair to both of them for me to discuss my inability to control my feelings.

I would love to have a friendship with an person I'm not involved with who is going through the same things as me. Someone who also needs a friend to gripe to, confide in with no judgements. So, if there is anyone out there willing to talk me through these hard times, I would love to hear from you!

CielDuMatin 07-15-2012 09:58 PM

Welcome to the forum!

It certainly sounds like you are doing a lot of things very right - you are in contact with your partner's lover and have built up a very functioning relationship.

You say you aren't afraid of him leaving her for you, and you say that your relationship with him has got even stronger. So what are your fears?

dawnandgary 07-15-2012 10:24 PM

also new
i dont know alot about this but im a good listener so u can talk 2 me my name is dawn i live in davenport ia with my boyfriend we've been togeather for 2 yrs. if u dont want 2 talk 2 me i understand and good luck

sexymuffy 07-16-2012 03:28 AM


I'm really not sure what I'm afraid of. I am feeling scared, nervous, sad and left out. and he hasn't even left yet!

Part of it is just being apart. The only time we have apart for an extended amount of time was when we evacuated after Hurrican Katrina. I went to OK to stay with family, but JC stayed close to home so he could get back to the house as soon as possible. So I know that it part of my feelings is just separation anxiety.

I am nervous about what it will be like when he returns. We have no secrets and for the past 15 years we have shared all of our life experiences. Now he'll have this trip with Bee and I know he'll want to talk about it. Not kiss and tell, but where did they go, what sites they saw... and I don't know if I'll be able to listen to his stories without going "there". You know, start wondering what else they did together that they don't want to share with me. And then I'm down the jealousy rabbit hole! But at the same time, I hate to tell him not to talk about the trip at all because I don't want to start feeling like he has a secret. Am I going to be able to recover from that? Or is it going to make us drift apart?

Also, I don't feel comfortable talking to either one of them during the trip because I don't want to intrude. But that makes me feel left out. And I don't like that feeling. They are going this journey together and I don't get to go. I'm not included. This is the feeling that is really getting to me.

I also worried about how this will affect my friendship with Bee. Will I feel wierd talking to her afterwards? Will she feel wierd talking to me? She says that no matter what happens between her and JC she and I will always be friends and I really want that to be true. I would hate to loose her friendship.

So that's where I am. Thank you all for listening! I am hoping for some more good feedback!

kdt26417 07-18-2012 11:58 PM

Greetings sexymuffy,
Welcome to our forum.

I think you should try to just take this one day at a time, and try to communicate your feelings to JC and Bee, even if it feels weird or uncomfortable. Relationships tend to change over time, but very often the change is for the good, so try to keep that positive thought in mind. You, Bee, and JC may grow closer because of this, who knows.

Just think how Bee feels when JC can't be with her ... Long-Distance Relationships can be a rough road to travel. Empathizing will probably help you feel less threatened (or left out).

Anyway, I'm glad you joined us on our website.
Kevin T.

sexymuffy 07-19-2012 04:53 AM

thanks for the advice
Thanks for your advice. I do really understand how hard it is for Bee. And i think about that a lot. She and I had a long talk today about our feelings. She was concerned that I might be feeling anxious and was very open to listening to my feelings. We tallked about her concerns too so it was a mutual conversation, not one sided.

I am trying to use this as a growing experience for me. I am secure in my relationship, but this is uncharted waters for me. I know that most of my feelings are tied up in being out of my comfort zone. This will be a good thing for me regardless of the outcome.

At this point I don't know why I accepted the idea of polyamory. Why I let JC have a relationship with Bee. Was it because I am poly or was it because that is what JC wants.

I think my biggest fear is that after this is trist is over I'll realize that the poly life isn't for me. I know that if I choose not to be poly I will either have to learn to tolerate his other lovers or loose our marriage. And that is a tough pill to swallow. JC and I have already discussed this issue and he has made it clear that he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. But if I am not comfortable with his polyness, then it will eventually split us apart. he says that he has lived without being open about who he is long enough and doesn't want to go back to being mono. He is okay if I want to stay mono.

i don't want to change him. but I need to be true to myself. But first I need to figure out what will make me happy with or without JC.

kdt26417 07-19-2012 08:41 PM

Well, you certainly have some tough soul-searching to do on the road ahead. It says a lot for you that you're not trying to change (or dictate) JC, you're just trying to figure out what you should do about the situation for you.

Whatever you decide, take your time about deciding it. Sometimes we experience something that at first seems impossible, like we just can't do it ... but then later on, we find that it unexpectedly becomes more manageable for us. You may find that you have more strength for this situation than you thought you had.


"At this point I don't know why I accepted the idea of polyamory. Why I let JC have a relationship with Bee. Was it because I am poly or was it because that is what JC wants?"
Well that's certainly something to think about, and interesting questions. Just remember that however you got here, you now know that it is something JC wants. You have to figure out whether you can live with that part of his nature. If you can't, then it will come down to, either he'd have to change (and break up with Bee), or you'd have to break up with him. None of the paths you can go on are easy paths. So as I said, don't be in a rush to decide anything. Give yourself some time to maybe acclimatize to this new kind of situation.

Think about what you will need to get you through this impending trip that JC is going on. Will you need him to contact you very often? Are there things you can do (friends to see, hobbies to work on, etc.) that would help take your mind off of some of the fears and loneliness? What else could be done that would make this a little easier?

I hope things work out okay.

sexymuffy 07-23-2012 04:07 AM

JC meets Bee

I spoke to JC about my feelings and he was very concerned. He was afraid he was going to come home to a divorce. After I let him know that I wasn't going to divorce him so quickly after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids he calmed down and really listened to my feelings. I let him know that these were personal things I needed to deal with. not something I needed him to fix, but support me as I travel this path.

Well, he left yesterday morning. As I watched him pack, I got excited thinking about them meeting for the first time. I was able to use that NRE to my advantage! I thought about what they would be wearing and I could see the smiles on their faces and it made me happy!

Later that night I called JC to check in with him. He wasn't supposed to meet Bee until today so I wasn't worried about interrupting them. So he says "would you be upset if I told you that we already had sex?" He has never been one for beating around the bush or subtly! After I got over the initial shock, I realized that I was more than okay with it. Not upset at all! I know then that all my fears were unfounded and all was well. I texted Bee later that night just to let her know that I was okay with her relationship with JC and our friendship was still in tact! That weren't with each other during the day today so I was able to text/call both without feeling like intruding. they are together now and I am trying to be patient, but I can't wait to hear how the evening went!

I guess I am closer to compersion that I thought!

anexplorer 07-23-2012 06:06 AM

Thank you so much for sharing this experience here, sexymuffy. It makes me really happy to hear about how your feelings have worked out in the end. Please keep us all posted.

Best Wishes!

kdt26417 07-23-2012 08:44 PM

That's great news, sexymuffy. I hope you will be able to continue to experience that compersion, and work out any insecurities one by one as they come up.

Best wishes to you, JC, and Bee.
Kevin T.

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