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-   -   guilt after sex? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25615)

sparklepop 07-15-2012 11:18 AM

guilt after sex?
Morning everyone,

So, I had a strange experience last night.

I slept with a girl I've been dating for the first time.

This is my second sexual partner outside my poly relationship. The first was around Christmas.

On both occasions, I have noticed that I felt strange afterwards. Kind of down, perhaps even a strange guilt sensation and felt a real need to connect to my primary girlfriend.

I called my GF when I got home from my date (we are currently living long-distance) and she was talking about work and other things, generally seeming very happy. She said she felt absolutely fine about me sleeping with this girl.

I was really glad she wasn't upset; but I found my feelings very strange. I'd just had good sex with a great girl, my lovely girlfriend didn't mind and all should be well in the world, right?! :rolleyes:

The first person I slept with, in December, was probably the worst sex of my life... ~grins~... so, I thought that was the likely reason for feeling bad afterwards. Last night was really good; yet I still had the same feelings.

When I lived with my GF earlier this year, we went out together and ended up kissing a girl all night. Just kissing. It felt completely liberating and great, until we got home and went to bed. My GF slept in her husband's bed and I slept on my own in my bed... and suddenly, I had those strange feelings again.

I enjoy dating other people, flirting with and kissing other people, but when it comes to the sex part, I feel like something is off. I have always preferred sex with someone I love. This girl was probably almost as good, as exciting, in bed as my girlfriend; just minus the love factor. I had a brief moment of "why am I doing this?"

I wondered how you all feel after you've slept with someone else? Whether you've experienced similar feelings? Do you 'prefer' sex with your primary for any reason? Prefer sex with your secondaries? (that is, if you work on a hierarchical basis, of course).

I'd love your thoughts!

~ Sparklepop

nycindie 07-15-2012 01:37 PM

Maybe you just would feel better if you hold off on having sex until after you establish more of a relationship first. Some people just naturally roll that way. The thing is to sort out what you are comfortable with and not to compromise your integrity. If jumping into bed before a loving relationship has been established makes you feel icky, then explore ways to get to that point differently, ways that make you feel good.

There are lots of ways to build relationships:
  • Attraction > friends > love > lovers
  • Attraction > friends > lovers > love
  • Attraction > lovers > love > friends
  • Attraction > lovers > friends > love
  • Friends > love > attraction > lovers
  • Friends > attraction > love > lovers
  • Friends > attraction > lovers > love
And probably more than that.

sparklepop 07-15-2012 03:28 PM

I originally posted this question because I was having feelings of guilt regarding my primary partner, after I sleep with other people.

But you've given me something to think about. Perhaps it's not just guilt, but general 'too soon' ickiness. Hmm...

Tonberry 07-15-2012 09:01 PM

Yeah, after reading your post, it seems to me the main problem is that you prefer sex with people you have a stronger bond with. So if anything else happens, it might not feel right. Maybe you feel guilty not towards your GF but towards yourself, for doing something you would rather not have done in hindsight.

I think nycindie is on to something. Try and develop stronger bonds before letting sex happens, and see if it makes you feel better. Maybe you simply haven't been completely true to yourself.

GalaGirl 07-16-2012 03:03 PM

Could also be the sex high wearing off. We get a lot of endorphins and feel good hits during and after sex.

When the "Whee! Good time!" hormones and things clear out of the body you could end up feeling a bit blah.


sparklepop 07-16-2012 03:13 PM

Haha... GG... I prefer that response to delving into any psycho-sexual issues I may have.

Perhaps it's a little bit of both. I do enjoy the hunt. Maybe I'll go Tantric.


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